Most pleasant way to split and clear Grandparents house

[MotherWill]

How do you do it?
Big house, lots of people hosted over the years, everyone feels they have a stake in it. The couple are suddenly looking very frail and I can sense old sibling rivalries and the grandchildren jostling.

What's the fairest/kindest/least traumatic way to handle the logistics.

Three siblings plus long term partners
Six grandchildren from 22 to 17.

Obviously in an ideal world it would all fall magically into place but after overhearing a grandchild picking through Granny's jewellery box I think we have trouble ahead.

What's works? What doesn't?

My grandmother was a very skilled artist and used to make all manner of things. She also collected antique items.

She had a book - if you wanted it, you wrote it in the book. If you looked through the book and someone else had already written it in, it was tough.

She also used to write things in the book herself if she wanted someone in particular to have something.

This book was used when she died to ensure everyone was treated equally.

Could you take photographs of all the items that you think might go missing? You could take photos of them in situ and close up.

If you are asked why you are doing this, you could say it is for insurance purposes.
might this work?

I would agree with you but the cats are mercenary in their pursuit. My friend's mother was ill advised and left a percentage to the cats. It meant we had to get everything, all chattels, clothes, jewellery, holiday souvenirs valued and agreed.
The house clearing was an emotional journey stirring up all sorts of things for my friend, some lovely, some cathartic, exhausting. The cats just made her furious and she now has a water pistol to hand in the garden, that's now a lifetime grudge not about the money just the huge amount of admin.
Looking back she wishes she'd passed more to the solicitor and estate firms but the at the time she felt more need to be hands on.

Just to add to the "lock up the house" comment. Find out where all the keys are now and destroy all those unnecessary. My grandparents neighbours had keys and helped themselves to stuff, as did some relatives.
The executor needs to be 100% aware that everything must be accounted for and this is a legal requirement.
Vultures circling is awful.

There's absolutely nothing at all in the OP to suggest that her parents should disinherit their entire family. One girl looking at a necklace?

everyone has a stake in it
grabby SIL
sibling rivalries etc etc.
I disagree.

Everyone but the cats does have a stake. One of the in-laws (lovely) has been visiting for 30 years!
The most recent in- law has been around for five.
Lots of memories, lots of love, the cats wouldn't care at all

A detailed will I think is the answer. So the grandparents decide.

I agree it is unseemly. In spite of all the challenge with valuation etc, a part of me feels when someone leaves everything to a cats home or charity a sense of well done or laughter.

this is reminding me to make a detailed will.

One of my parents’ siblings did this too. They even took the item they knew had been specifically promised to my parent (due to a shared hobby). Years later, I found out which sibling it was and it was the one I least suspected! This person wasn’t particularly close to my grandparents either.

Before this, when my grandparents were in their 80s, one of my cousins visited them at home, admired a large item of their furniture and left with it strapped to the roof of her car! I’m still surprised by this, as this cousin has always seemed a) - lovely and b) - a minimalist. Inheritance seems to bring out a new side in some people and it’s not their best side.

Absolutely! And look very carefully at whether charity bequests are a percentage or a fixed sum, both have pros & cons.

We've gone for a straight forward will (better than no will) and then a letter of wishes that will change as we all age and circumstances and needs alter.

I think a decent open conversation with your siblings now to acknowledge that there will be items very special to yourselves that it might help to list now so that "nothing is disposed of inadvertently that is special to someone" and that a discussion takes place where an item has more than one admirer?

Thank you everyone, I'm carefully reading all your thoughts - good, bad & practical.

I can see our situation playing out in many ways including a niece driving off with her little car rammed with treasures!

But mostly I'm forming a mind set of does it really matter so thank you particularly to those who've shared how they feel about stuff when emotions have settled down.

Yes, my mum (a fairly spritely 79) has already done this at her own instigation.

You have to be very very careful around this stuff. I think they need professional help to get the will in order.

It was without doubt a Machiavellian move by the grand daughter, with plausible deniability since I was a witness and dear Granny enjoying a good old reminisce (although she left out all the sad bits). Luckily no promises were made, just put that back where you found it which I will remind everyone of if anyone claims otherwise.

Without doubt the kid has issues that should have been tackled ten years ago and she'll carry that through life. It's not so cute or excusable when they are drinking, vaping, marching around demanding respect as a fellow adult.

I'm going to cultivate a 'its just stuff' with my own family.
Stick to direct siblings only for an initial run through.
Agree a plan and a bit of a timescale.
Wake at a hotel with promise of garden party later on in year.
Communicate with grand kids via parents, with a get back to you, once people's wants are a bit clearer.
We can't have six grandkids, plus three step kids, three partners, a miserable ex, a lovely ex all rampaging through the house with sticky labels.

I'm weary of pressing mum to make any promises or detailed devisions because she won't want to upset anyone but could get the blame for pleasing no one if it gets out of hand.

My mum left a list of things that were to go to particular people, and a year or so before she asked her children whether there were particular items of furniture they wanted when she didn't need them any more. There were, or course, a lot of little, and not so little, things that weren't on the list. We adult children all got together a week or so after the funeral to sort out and clean her house and at that time, as well as on further occasions, we discussed whether any of us wanted any of the things that weren't on her list. She had some silver cutlery and tableware that weren't on the list (the 'good' items were listed). When we went through that lot we went through the items one by one to see who wanted them and, if there was a difference in value then we ensured that at the end things were distributed more or less fairly. It was just us adult children. We could choose things for our own children, but it was still out of our own 'share'. For instance, my mother had listed some silver cutlery to go to one of my sister's children, but had not listed a canteen of mid-century silver plated cutlery which I knew my daughter would really like to have, so I asked for that. There was one picture she had listed to go to one of my sisters, none of her other pictures were listed but I chose a couple of tiny oil paintings of the Australian countryside and some of the other pictures were chosen by my other sisters. Anything which none of us wanted for ourselves or our children was either went to auction or given to charity. It did help that we all have different taste in things, so it wasn't too difficult to divide things up!

None of the family apart from her own children (and our husbands) were included when we went through her house. All of our husbands kept well out of it when we were choosing what we wanted (they are all very kind, sensible and sensitive men), but they all helped with cleaning, tidying, repairing, touching up paintwork etc.

If you can encourage your parents to think about making a list of what they want to go to whom, eventually, that would really help. Other than that, you need to restrict who comes into the house afterwards until you (adult children) have decided on the distribution of anything that is important to you/valuable. That distribution can include anyone you think, between you, that your parents would have wanted to have something - so extended family, Mabel from bingo, Mrs Bloggs next door etc. After that it you want to you can invite the rest of the family to come and choose something from what is left as a memento of your parents.

I am being treated for cancer and my life-span is limited (death is NOT imminent!) I have already started making a list of the things I own and who they should go to after I shuffle off this mortal coil. I know it will make things very much easier for everyone I leave behind.

I suppose if you've got nowt, sometimes life is easier.

My advice - as far as money and the house go, forget the grandchildren. Split the estate evenly between the children of those two people and they can sort out what to pass down to their own children themselves. All other material possessions may be squabbled over, that's probably unavoidable to a certain extent.

I discussed with my mum who she wanted to attend her funeral a while back, as I knew she had nothing to do with one sister, who had ‘taken’ items promised to her and other sisters, there is much more background to her taking things that didn’t belong to her, including items totalling quite a bit in value. She did say on no account did she want her to attend, I broached the subject of said sisters immediate family, this threw her but she came to conclusion it was best to basically ban them from her funeral and her house.
My sister was on board about this, as she knew how horrendous she’d been to our mother and to a lesser degree their sisters.
sometimes these conversations are needed, even though you’d rather not.

It’s a no win situation ime- it’s not just who gets what but there is the unsolvable upset about who got more than …… And as much of it is people putting huge emotional or guessed financial value on things. It’s impossible to make it fair in everyone’s eyes.

People need to remember that they aren't entitled to anything when someone dies. Certainly not partners.
When my MIL and FIL bought their house a few years back - out right, so no mortgage - I kept pushing for them to make a will so that any arguments they could foresee between their 3 kids, would be stamped out before. Thankfully they have, and they've told the 3 children that they were to pick one item they each wanted, and whatever they hadn't put in the will, will be gone through and binned, given away or kept. So the basically, the house is getting split 4 ways: the 3 kids having their share and the fourth being split eagerly between the grandkids. So either someone buys the rest out, or it gets sold and monies divided up.
My MIL said to me 'I've not put you in, but you are with my son so you'll benefit.' I said, 'I wouldn't have expected you to. As my own mother says, you don't put inlaws into a will because folk do split up, and why should they then benefit.'
I've been with my partner for 13 years, as good as married, 2 kids and 3 cats, but life happens and folk do break up. But they certainly shouldn't benefit from their ex-inlaws.
So in your case OP, partners should be kept well away. Their hands firmly inside the carriage. And grandchildren need to reined in as well and left outside until decisions have been made.

They’re never going to do it in a weekend. It took two of us a week to do a three bed semi. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life.

Family meeting of just the three children, all agree that only they will do the clearing (no spouses, no grandchildren), everyone else gets to nominate one item they would especially like for a keepsake.

I'm an only DC and I have to say when the time comes, I just want it done as quickly as possible. Other than some photos there's nothing we need or have room for, so ideally I just want to get a company in and strip the place. Unfortunately DH seems to have some desire to go in and assess things of value, but as he likely would want me to do it, then that's a no.

It's just stuff. Unless any of it is particularly valuable, why not just let the others go in there and take what they want as long as it's done by a certain date.