Most pleasant way to split and clear Grandparents house

[MotherWill]

How do you do it?
Big house, lots of people hosted over the years, everyone feels they have a stake in it. The couple are suddenly looking very frail and I can sense old sibling rivalries and the grandchildren jostling.

What's the fairest/kindest/least traumatic way to handle the logistics.

Three siblings plus long term partners
Six grandchildren from 22 to 17.

Obviously in an ideal world it would all fall magically into place but after overhearing a grandchild picking through Granny's jewellery box I think we have trouble ahead.

What's works? What doesn't?

I can totally see where you are coming from. I would be mortified if one of my young adult kids were to go into granny's bedroom uninvited and bring out items from her jewellery box. Some people just don't have any sense of shame. I have a strong memory of when my Granddad died. He'd been ill for around a year and over that time had seen many of his close friends, who he'd been very generous to, all fade away in his hour of need. They stopped dropping in, when they realised he didn't have any disposable income and had family looking after him. It was quite heartbreaking for him to be honest. Being bed bound and in pain makes for long days and it would have been wonderful if he'd had his friends pop in for a chat.

It was even worse when some of those "friends" turn up on the doorstep within an hour of his death being announced. They had the audacity to march in and started pointing to different objects they wanted to have to "remember him by". It was truly shocking and very upsetting for my Mum to have to tell them to leave, in no uncertain terms. Some people just don't have any compassion if they can see a financial incentive.

@MotherWill I think you need to sit down and go through everything with her now. If you can. You do it as a daughter, not executor. Then leave it until you sell the house. Ask them to come and choose something then.

My DM didn’t have much but when I had to sell her home to pay for care fees, she started worrying about what we all wanted. My siblings came and had bits and pieces and I had a couple of bits of furniture I now don’t know what to do with! My DC didn’t want anything.

DM died and, as sole executor (SO much easier), I just did a house clearance as completion was imminent. 5 executors is nuts. That won’t be easy. I think it’s best if parents give things away as early as they can and know what’s valuable! Treat everyone equally! Don’t let one have a £2000 ring and another a £20 vase, or, as in my case, nothing from my gran. Clearly the least favourite! You don’t ever want anything valued either. It costs a lot and you don’t want it in the estate and pay IHT.

I’ve got jewellery and bags. DH and me have some watches. DDs won’t want all the jewellery but they will want some. Ditto the bags and watches. My family on both sides didn’t go in for nice things of any value so a house clearance (we’ve done parents and 2 aunts) isn’t so difficult. Only one aunt of DHs had anything much. It’s much easier if you know what they wish to give and to whom.

Not sure how you do this while they are both still living as it seems very cruel and money grabbing

but I go & ime start by taking photos of everything

Then things can't "disappear"

You get parents to give. My DM should have done that. Trying to get people to take things when they don’t want then is problematic too. DM could not understand why no one wanted her buttons or post cards she had written to herself.

The grandparents could ask each beneficiary to name one item they’d particularly like, and then divide the rest according to their own thoughts.

FWIW, my parents have decreed that upon their deaths, only my brother and I are to go to the house and discuss/divide the personal items. Not the grandkids (all adored, of course), my husband (adored) and my SIL (despised). There's a lot of difficult history and we each have acknowledged that things could get messy otherwise.

We had a much loved grandmother who was always promising us things from her house. When she died, we were left nothing, and were gutted. Not one thing of sentimental value, and due to a rift between our mother and her siblings, there was no chance to ask. We even went to the trouble of obtaining a copy of her will, just to check. 20 years on, it still rankles.

If your mother is still lucid, it is absolutely worth making a list with her now.

The executors set the tone. The grandchildren are removed from the process. Yes - you seal the place until an inventory is compiled.

One idea a friend family did while the grandparents were still alive and kicking was to get tiny coloured stickers and each person had a different colour
They went around the house all together and put coloured stickers on the bottom of each item they would like
If 2 or more wanted the same item it was discussed and then decided/bargained for - if Betty & Frank both wanted the clock and the vase
Then they decided between them to each chose either the clock or the vase

This is if these items just have sentimental value

Perhaps get an auctioneer to come along to value items if you think there are valuable items there or send photos off to auction house

Mum gave special pieces of jewellery before she died. After her death, she stipulated names in a hat and draw numbers 1-4 with first pick in that order, then reverse order ( ie, number 4 picked first for second round). We picked for our children as well.
Worked well.
It was interesting to see what my siblings picked, they (we) did not go for the valuable stuff, but stuff that was important to us and our DC.
Recipe books, wind chimes, vase and an ugly 70’s wall clock that resembled a fake Wooden sun ( but made from metal) were the first picks.

When my mum died many moons ago she left no will. We were 7, 10, 14 & 16. We were sat down and we went through her jewelry box with Dad and picked things out one by one. As a 7 year old I made poor choices. The boys were told to pick a ring each for their future wives.

When my gran died she know she was doing and had a list of everything made and typed up. I went and stuck labels on things for my siblings as the cousins lived on the same road. She gave her jewelry to us before she died. She knew she was dying though so did it sensibly.

In a will you can leave individual pieces and furniture so ask your parents to do that as far as possible.

But yes explain to all the grandchildren that they are not to pilfer. If they want something they should say. Keep a master list if that's what your siblings and parents are ok with. Some of the kids are most likely to need actual furniture so they should probably bare that in mind. And you and your siblings probably have all the furniture you need.

Thank you. It's crazy isn't it. I don't know if families with fond memories are likely to fall out more or less but the grand children will all be at a crucial 'gathering stuff' stage rather than 50 something adults. I know myself and a SIL are at the less, is less to clean stage.
But it's going to be tough, who is going to be hard enough to put the threadbare 1970s towels in the recycling. I don't think anyone will want the cuckoo clock but it could be that everyone wants it.
Thank you, once again for all your experiences.

In my family there was a big thing about who got the cuckoo clock.

Actually I found getting rid of tat easy. Only DH helped. Siblings didn’t bother to come anywhere near. You do generality separate stuff into meaningful or worth something or complete rubbish. I still have a case full of Barbie dolls in my hall. Strangely they have not yet made it to the dump. When people just want a few things and they’ve no value, let them have them. Get DM to give away other more valuable things early. No segments then. It’s done!