To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

[chillijam23]

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

I gained a stone my first year at uni from eating rubbish and drinking too much. I lost it again the second year when I faced the fact that I couldn't carry on eating/drinking like that, because it just wasn't healthy and I hated the extra weight and how it felt on my body. However, I appreciate that many people don't feel like that and the fat acceptance movement has changed things a lot since then. To go from a size 14 to a 20/22 in one year though is a big weight gain, I'm guessing. I have no idea whether you say anything or not, as it seems to be an absolute minefield to talk about weight with anyone these days. I'm not surprised you're concerned.

You're absolutely not unreasonable. That's a huge amount of weight to put on in a short space of time; she will certainly be aware of it and is very likely not happy about it.

Being very overweight at such a young age is setting her up for health problems now and in the future, and the heavier she is the harder it's going to be for her to embed healthy exercise habits. I don't know what, if anything, you can do at this point, but your concern is most definitely valid.

YANBU at all OP - if she was my DD I’d be worried too. Size 22 isn’t just a little bit overweight, it’s really quite extreme for how young she is and I’d be concerned about her overall health.

To be honest I think I’d have to say something. Sometimes a wake up call is needed.

I happily bring up concerns like these with my adult DC but I think I parent in a different way to most. I just run through the minefield.

She knows she's gained weight. What are you trying to achieve actually?

I agree. It’s not as if she’s just matured and put on a few kgs/womanly curves - she’s almost certainly in the obese category, for your DH to ignore a serious health concern is doing her a disservice.

Perhaps send her a care package with healthy foods /money for shopping so she can buy herself better options.
It wouldn't take many takeaways to push your weight up, 2 a week would do it and student deals on pizzas etc can be the cheapest way to eat

It takes much more than 2 takeaways a week to go from a size 14-22 is such a short period of time.

Do not say or do anything. She is an adult and it is her own fucking business.

That's a lot of weight and I'd be concerned. It's wrong to say everyone puts on weight at uni. I work at a uni and most students are slim.

@CherryValley5 not if shes short and she's sedentary it won't. There's 300 calories in a single slice of average pizza. Eat several of those a couple of times a week and it would add up.

Or maybe it's not fat, maybe she's hiding a pregnancy.

I don't believe in body positivity or "own fucking business" for adults at that size so I would say something. I had the opposite problem with my DD as it happens, and it turned out to be a medical issue.

She’s 19, an adolescent, still living at home part time with a brain that isn’t even fully developed yet. As her mother OP is more than reasonable to have concerns. Would you really rather your child’s weight spiral further out of control than risk hurting their feelings?

"Freshman 15"

I went up from a 10 to a 14-16 in my first year of uni, my mum presented me with a gym pass in the summer holidays! I did use it and feel better for it, but I'm not sure stuff like that would go down well in these days of fat shaming.

I'd be concerned too. I don't think I'd do much about it whilst she is still at uni though, unless she puts on even more...it's really difficult to cook healthily on a budget in a house with other students nicking food, when you're going out socialising a lot.

You could try cooking healthy food on a budget together in the holidays (eg lentil dishes) under a guise of trying new things if she isn't into that kind of thing already, but I doubt that would solve the issue

As someone who is both short and quite sedentary - a few pizzas a week alone absolutely does not enable you to pile on that much weight in such a short period of time. My bet would be a medical issue on top of things

Don’t be ridiculous re: pregnancy - I think OP may have the common sense to realise the difference between a baby bump and weight gain..

I too would be very worried but I absolutely wouldn't address it unless she raised it, or said something that was related (feeling depressed etc). It's likely to be just a really unhealthy lifestyle since starting uni and adjusting to change.

I think your time to talk about it was over the summer which has gone. I don't think it would be helpful having the conversation now.

The fact that people now see it as shameful to be concerned for and want to look after your child’s health/weight says an awful lot about the state of society. The majority of the UK is now overweight, attitudes like this are a big part of the issue.

You're not unreasonable to be concerned from a health perspective, but I would think very carefully before discussing it with her. She's an adult.