To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

[chillijam23]

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

In the US they call it ‘the freshers’ fifteen’ because most people gain a stone in their first year at uni. 3 dress sizes correlates to 3 stone, though, which is a significant amount. Is there any chance she might have thyroid problems?

Has she mentioned feeling a bit tired, skin seeming more dry than usual, hair quality changing etc? If so, I would suggest a GP trip just to have her bloods checked on that basis (the GP will then ask if she has gained weight, so you don’t need to raise this as an underlying reason of concern).

Weight is such an emotive topic and as much as the people saying "you have a duty to talk to her" are right in a way, but please don't speak to her about her size as being a negative thing, as the chances are she's feeling self conscious about it anyway and being shamed about it (and she will feel shame if you focus on the appearance) will only make her feel worse and encourage bad eating habits/possible disordered eating.

How was her relationship with food been before she went away? She's not a particularly small petite person anyway I guess being a size 14 and short pre uni? Has she always been prone to putting weight on easily? I imagine it's a combination of alcohol, inactivity and eating junk food.

I'd speak to her about budgeting, how uni is going, what a standard week looks like, what she's got planned for life going forward, what living conditions are like etc. A lot of student houses are so grim you wouldn't want to use the kitchen anyway :D so maybe find out how day to day life is looking, find out if she's struggling/wants to improve in any areas of her course/daily life (focus, mood, energy, money(!) will all be affected if she's eating badly) and suggest getting some staple healthy habits in place to improve those areas which will suit her living conditions and you'll find her weight gain will reduce anyway.

3 stone does not = 3 dress sizes. Increasing body fat will increase dress size a lot faster than that. Also, you can increase weight and drop dress sizes with a change in body composition.

Thanks everyone.

Just picking up some of the questions above...

As far as i can tell she's fitted in well at uni, says she loves it, and has made plenty of friends. She even went away on holiday with some of her uni mates earlier in the summer.

I wouldn't say shes lost weight over the summer probably about the same. We eat reasonably healthy meals at home, mostly home cooked, but she's been going out a lot with her friends while they've been home for the summer. Lots of nights in the pub etc.

I was your daughter OP- tall, a size 14 before I went, shot up to a size 20 quite quickly.

My mum did nothing but mention it every time I was home, it gave me serious issues around food and weight that I'm only just unlearning now (I'm 38).

She will know she's gained weight. You pointing it out won't achieve anything aside from make her feel self-conscious.

If it helps, I lost most of it quite quickly in later uni years/after graduating as I stopped living like a first year student aka existing on cider and potato waffles.

That's a massive amount of weight to put on in such a short time

Health wise it's a worry especially as she's (apparently) not comfort eating because she's sad

I know we're all paranoid about fat shaming and hurting people's feelings but.....
surely you can ask her the question?

The young people I know all lost weight in their first year of uni because they weren't eating

I lost weight at Uni - first time in charge of own meals and lots of walking.

However D1 has put on a bit - not such a huge amount - she developed a hip problem making her wary of walking more, she dislikes cooking for herself and she been put on an anti depressant for anxiety which can cause weight gain. So I can see the reasons so don't need to say anything.

I think your right to be worried but approaching another adult about weight is very hard - so I'd start with a lifestyle checking - check she eating okay giving student recipe books of helping with shopping - mild question about amount drinking etc - thing is she may not want to discuss any of it with you but I'd start with that.

Also think it's not unreasonable to be a bit worried and make it clear she can talk to you if she wants to.

At uni I had an undiagnosed under active thyroid maybe it’s worth encouraging some bloods just to check health?

Let's not beat around the bush here: she's obese. Going up 3-4 dress sizes in under a year is a lot of drinking and / or eating.

I would raise it somehow with my DD - she'd be angry initially but if I was able to help in any way she would then listen. But it can't be a chastisement. I would also raise it as worry about health rather than weight per se.

It does for me. Lost 5.5 stone and 5 dress sizes recently.

But there was no need to be pedantic. It’s a rule of thumb measurement. A leap from size 14 to 20/22 is definitely more than a stone. Probably more than 2 stone. That was the point. As was the fact that IF THE DD HAS OTHER SYMPTOMS it may be worth checking her thyroid. I also have hypothyroidism in case you’d like to nit pick that comment too.

She was generally a size 10 in high school started to put on weight towards the end of high school and into college.

Shes just over 5ft 2in, and i know she was just over 12 1/2 stone prior to going to uni (she was weighed at a hospital appointment i went to with her)

I think THAT is also my point

Mum is anxious not to offend or fat shame

Question doesn't get asked

Thyroid malfunction (for example) goes unmedicated

Big problem

So she largely ate the same as you over summer except maybe a few meals / drinking sessions out?

With a weight gain on 3-4 dress sizes in a year (so probably 3-4 stone), I'd wonder if she was on steroids or anti-psychotic medication tbh, or developed a serious thyroid problem. Everyone gains a stone or so at uni but that much in one year when you're already not slim?

People loosing weight at uni is equally unhealthy, as it can come from a place of insecurity and body image issues. However it's more society accepted when actually anorexia and disordered eating is still a huge issue.

Honestly we have the kind of relationship where she would tell me if she was on medication for anything. I believe she would anyway.

She ate similar meals to us when at home but would be out with her friends at the pub etc 2 or 3 times a week. She's also quite a big snacker so she'd quite often come in from the corner shop over the summer with crisps, chocolate, biscuits etc

Without being rude, she knows she's fat and she is also old enough to lose it if she cares to do so. It would have caused serious issues with my relationship with my mother if she had said anything. I had to come to the decision to lose it when I was ready to do so.

Of course

You're right

I was simply balancing out the "everyone puts on weight in their first year of uni"

I'm not advocating weight loss unless it's needed/healthy to lose the weight

I'd consider PCOS and thyroid.

Sensitive much 🙂Well done on the weight loss, it's not at all easy.

I wasn't being pedantic, there are just a lot of untruths around weight/fitness/size and so I just wanted to point out that is not necessarily true. I have put on 2 stone and stayed exactly the same clothes size and am surrounded by people in sport the same as me.

Just because you can't see if, doesn't mean it isn't happening and that's why people need to work on lifestyle, not appearances/scale weight.

She's also quite a big snacker so she'd quite often come in from the corner shop over the summer with crisps, chocolate, biscuits etc

Are you assuming that she's put on weight because she's eating too many calories?

YANBU to be concerned but you would be to day anything to her. She will be well aware of her weight gain.

The only way I would approach it is about asking what clubs she's involved in. Uni is a brilliant time to try a load of different sports.

Alcohol = hidden calories and easy on a night out if having cider etc to max out your daily calories.

As an 18-yr-old back in the 1980s my mum put a cheque for £100 under my pillow with a note saying she'd cash it if I lost weight. She did this because she knew I was miserable about it, and in her misguided way she thought this would motivate me. It didn't make me lose the weight, but it did make me feel even more terrible about myself. I forgive her, because her heart was in the right place.

OP, I wouldn't say anything. She will know she's put on weight, she will probably be miserable about it, and will probably pretend she doesn't care and everything is fine, hoping that no-one will mention it. If you do mention it, she is likely to be defensive and ashamed and mortified, and it won't actually achieve anything. There is no way she is unaware of what being overweight means for her health, her social standing and how others view her. It will already be weighing on her (no pun intended) and she doesn't need others to point it out, no matter how well intentioned. Don't talk about it in a passive aggressive way either, like mentioning healthy food or exercise classes, or someone you know who's lost a lot of weight etc. She'll know exactly what you're getting at.

I think you just have to accept her the way she is - I know as your beloved daughter you're worried about her health, but she is young, and if it becomes more of a problem she will certainly have it pointed out by others (doctors etc). As her mum you can be the person/place where she'll feel no judgement, only love and support. And if she shares any concerns with you, you can then encourage her to your heart's content.

I’d be deeply concerned if my 19 year old daughter was a size 14, I’d go out of my mind if she was a size 22. I would have to say something although I appreciate it will be very difficult.

In MN world speaking to a family member about nearly doubling their size is fat shaming and will lead to anorexia and eating disorders.

In the real world most of the UK is obese because nobody wants to say anything.

If she snacks that much then yes it's probably due to the snacks.

I don't think it is true that everyone puts on weight at uni.None of my 4 did, 2 lost andc1 worryingly so