To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

[chillijam23]

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

I was at uni un the late 80s, early 90s. I recall more than a few people being overweight - men and women.
Loads of people did regular exercise; maybe it depends on the groups you spent time with. Sports societies were a big thing, as well as most students cycling everywhere.
Lots of smoking - yes. Not takeaways as such, but kebabs after a night out. Very, very cheap booze. We'd go out with a fiver. 1 quid to get in the union bar, 3 quid on 3 pints of Purple Nasty and a quid for a kebab or bag of chips on the way home. Happy days!

I'm sorry your parents didn't support you (I presume they were meant to if you were not eligible for a grant).

I do think times have changed, but I think students 40 years ago certainly could eat and drink a lot of crap and easily put on a lot of weight. It was a lot cheaper I to do so I think.

Ah well, differing experiences and memories!

I suppose the 'not exercising' thing was that no one particularly needed to, they were all slim already anyway! No one was saying 'I need to get to the gym or go for a jog to keep fit or keep my weight down'. There was a gym but it was tucked away in the far corner of campus and was very much a minority pursuit.

There were sports teams but it was much more of an artsy environment. The main forms of exercise amongst the people I knew were walking around, talking about the meaning of life, singing, acting, socialising, analysing poetry and expending vast amounts of energy on friendship fallouts!

Thanks. I'm not sure i'd put it to her as bluntly as that but i am getting inclined to speak to her about it tbh.

You're right about DH. Me and DD have a good relationship but shes always been a definite daddy's girl, so i think there's a part of it that he just doesnt want to admit to.

I just dont think there's any way he can't see if hes honest. She quite obviously looks very big and she isnt the type to hide in baggy tshirts etc, so its not like shes even hiding/disguising it.

Yes I think youre right. I would never ever shame her over it but as a mother i don't think i can just ignore it. I suspect DH knows deep down its an issue but its easier for him to not face it.

I'm genuinely concerned about her going back to uni now and just carrying on with the same lifestyle.

Does she feel ok in herself? Not constantly tired, sluggish, feeling the cold? I'm thinking about her thyroid.

I wouldnt say so no. She tends to be one of those who will stay up late and sleep in late when she can, which probably doesnt help with energy levels, but shes always out and about doing stuff.

Are her periods OK? No unusual sudden facial hair growth? Thinking about PCOS as well as thyroid. I've had terrible hormone problems over the last few years and it's taught me a bit of humility. That weight gain especially huge like that isn't always a simple case of way too much to eat.

No i don't think so - my SIL has PCOS so i do know the signs around that.

I think it’s fairly normal to put on weight at uni, I know I did. However that’s a massive amount of weight in a short time frame. I think I went from a size 10 to a size 12-14. My dad has always been brutally honest and said I was looking fat when I came home. It was the kick I needed and I then lost all that weight in the second year. I didn’t take what he said negatively as it was the truth.

I would say it is quite a concerning amount to put on in just a year. I think having a conversation with her would be reasonable, however reassure from the get go that you are coming from a place of care and not shaming her. There are a multitude of things that could cause a gain in weight like this, it could certainly be that she’s enjoying herself, eating out with friends, drinking a lot etc. but it could also be an indicator of stress, a deterioration in mental health (she could still come across as bubbly even if she is struggling), or even an underlying health condition such as a thyroid problem.

As children it’s common for parents to have conversations with us about healthy eating and exercise, questions certainly start being raised from health care professionals and teachers if children become overweight, I believe this conversation shouldn’t just end the moment the children turn 18, especially as she is still so young.

If it’s just a case of she’s enjoying herself too much perhaps just a reminder of moderation, especially when it comes to drinking, and an offer of help with food shopping as a food shop on a student budget mainly consists of cheap carbs. And perhaps delve into your family medical history a little, some education around how healthy eating and exercise will help avoid certain conditions that run in the family.

Reassure that you will love her at a size 6 or a size 60, but it comes from a place of checking in that everything is okay.

Thank you.

Although i don't feel any better from the perspective of what DH's attitude is, glad i posted this thread. I have always kinda been adamant its not something i'd bring up with her and its her body, but a lot of the posts on here make sense.

I guess there was a bit of an element of me being selfish and not wanting to bring it up because it is a really difficult conversation, but it feels like its at the point where it needs to be had.

If she carries on like this for her final two years at uni she could be in quite a scary place by then.

Some posters concerned that the daughter might develop an eating disorder when “fat shamed” are quite surprising. At the height and weight given by OP she was already obese before starting uni (BMI above 30 is obesity) so her eating has been already disordered for some time and it’s not a new thing, probably just escalated when she left home and became solely responsible for her meals.

BMI is not a good measure of health for a vast majority of the population. However, fitness levels, level of good nutrition and a quick increase in visceral body fat are more concerning factors.

I do not disagree, however I have no idea where "the vast majority" of the population comes from. BMI is not a good measure for several groups:

• short people - this is reflected in the fact that there are different cut-offs for BMI categories for Asian population (on average shorter than Europeans). The cut-off for the overweight category is 23.5, not 25. I am only slightly taller than OP's daughter and at my highest ever BMI (24) I definitely looked overweight and could feel it in my joints.
• body builders and athletes with very high muscle mass, it tends to give higher results than expected.
• very tall people - again, it's higher than expected so a tall slim person might have a BMI of 24 and look lean.

OP's daughter fits into the first category and already has some cardiovascular symptoms (out of breath on a walk). For the vast majority of the population being overweight or obese is correlated with worse health outcomes.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/bmi-not-accurate-in-predicting-obesity-in-majority-of-people-study-finds

I am incorrect on saying "vast", but for sure it can safely be said that for a majority without the use of other metrics, it is going to be inaccurate as a measure of health.

As you say, being out of breath, carrying excess body fat and high blood pressure are all better measures of health.

My daughter gained a lot of weight in 6 th form and I didn't say anything which I now deeply regret. She went to Uni and then developed orthorexia in her third year . Yes in her third year, that is how unwell she became. She came home, had counselling and meds a d is now recovered, but still very aware that she doesn't ever want to be overweight ever again.
She is a sensible eater , a Mum, but has said to me that she wishes I had addressed her weight gain with her. She understands why I didn't but a kind sensitive approach would have been appreciated.
Luckily we have always had a great relationship and thankfully it has continued.

OP, only you know how your DD will react if you do decide to speak to her about it, but if she's put on even more weight by the time she comes home next time, I think I'd be inclined to say something like 'I've noticed you've put on quite a lot of weight over the last 12 months DD, are you happy with your current weight? If she says 'yes, I'm fine, leave me alone', then just do that. On the other hand she may say 'no, I hate it, but I don't have time to prepare healthy meals, or you don't fit in if you don't drink 5 pints a night', or whatever, then hopefully you might be able to give her a bit of guidance, or suggest she goes to the GP for a check up if you think it's necessary. I think the most important thing about it is not to sound like you're criticising her.

Oh that's horrendous! I'm so glad shes recovered now.

With DD i don't want to see it get a lot worse before she realises things need to change. She probably manages most things now and isnt bothered, has fun etc, but if she carries on the way she is she'll end up 20st+ by her final year and the impact so much weight will have on her it isnt going to be much fun trying to keep up with her friends on nights out etc.

Thank you. This makes a lot of sense and i think is how i'd go about it. She is so outgoing and bubbly i do worry its just easy for her to turn a blind eye to it (guess she gets that from DH...) but i am hoping she'd acknowledge it and want support.

Maybe take her back to school shopping. Buy some new clothes, help her look her best. Build confidence. Will she need any clothes for job interviews?

And, when timing is right, let her know that you think she is not being do healthy? Not looking after self - up late, drinking, hangover & (craving unhealthy foods.)

She might be mirroring eating / drinking behavior of her friend.
Cycle of hangover cravings
Ready meals … instant everything. Snacks. Maybe you can talk making quick satisfying money saving meals? Help plan Uni meals / veg and chicken meals? Cut down on some things. It might be hard to be openly dieting in her housing if others are eating badly?
Stress eating?

Kindly tell her you want her to be healthy, you can help.
Do think maybe helping her look best, as she is now, and opening the door to the conversation can help.
Weight loss is a long slow process.

Around the time I turned 18, I started putting on weight really easily. I am well educated on nutrition and have an active lifestyle and have to exercise very regularly and really be mindful constantly of what I eat to maintain a healthy weight. It took me a few years to figure this out properly.

I have PCOS which has an impact but other than that think I must just be unlucky (I am the exact opposite of those people who can eat loads of junk food and be stick thin!).