To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

[chillijam23]

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

Don't bring up weight, but discuss with her healthy eating, alcohol and sugar intake and exercise.

Tbh I was kind of heartened that here was a man not projecting superficial ideals onto a young woman. Lots of fathers would be embarrassed, which I think is worse.

Id give her a little longer oP and see if she opens up about it. It’s not ideal but equally weight is more of a problem if it hangs about for years. It’s tricky as she really isn’t a child anymore- or at least is making the transition. There would definitely be a an undertone of “first taste of independence and you’ve slipped up” which is also not ideal in other ways. I suspect a bit of time will give you an opening to offer support on that front.

My generation didn't put in weight when we were at university as it was a time to be very active in sport and just generally lots of physical activity.

That was in the mid 80s and takeaways and snacks weren't such a big thing as they are today.

It was also socially a massive no no to be overweight.

Today they have 'fat shaming' and 'body positivity' and that 'be kind' nonsense which doesn't do anyone any favours and just encourages an unhealthy appearance.

I have three sons, two have become very overweight since they became adults and in their 20's are now definitely obese. The other is slim. I am slim, size 8-10 and fed them healthy food as kids, all normal weight till they had the option to buy takeaways and snacks ! ie until they had their own money. I talk to them about it IF they bring it up with me, never ever off my own bat. I worry about it, I am genuinely concerned for their health, but I cannot change it and I can only give advice if I am asked for it.Its hard, but I reckon when they are motivated they will change it ...I do know they both dislike being overweight for a million reasons ...

I haven't read the whole thread but we had similar with out daughter when she went to uni. Initially she/we put it down to moving out of home, too much partying, beer etc. DH and I were very worried we agreed it was best not to mention it as she was very happy, social, got good grades etc and we were concerned about giving her issues around food.

Once she graduated and was working the weight still did not come off although she said she was trying by focussing on diet and exercise. Eventually I asked her if she really was trying or was she just telling us she was. She was adamant she was and that she found it very disheartening to not be achieving much weight loss.

I suggested she go to the doctor and long story short she was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Looking back a few other things fell into place like bad breakouts on her skin, thinner hair etc. She is now receiving treatment, although there is no cure she now knows why she is like this and has been prescribed Metformin which helps with weight loss. She now sees a gynaecologist and a nutritionist regularly and is slowly losing weight, her skin is far clearer and she is happy that she can try and manage her symptoms.

I really hope your daughter does not have this as it is uncurable and affects fertility but it might be worth considering.

Maybe not.

It can be loads worse! Eating disorders are a living nightmare.

I would broach it directly, but I know that's not for everyone! In France we just tell people they are overweight!

I suppose I don't believe that OP suggesting a thyroid or a Pcos test can cause an eating disorder.

I see some people disagree but i do think it is pretty common for people to put on weight at uni now. Some of her friends i've seen over the summer look like they have, but nowhere near to the same extent.

I think its very different now to when i was at uni with the sheer number of takeaways and how easy it is getting food delivered via apps etc.

DD does also like a drink which obviously does not help

Unfortunately, as a lifetime sufferer of obesity I would be concerned too. However, your DD is an adult now and addressing it now is not appropriate.

TBH the Weightloss drugs are going to be a big game changer in the future so hopefully she will address her obesity herself when she is ready to.

Alcohol and cheap sugary carbs will do it. Then you've got a lifetime of insulin resistance

YANBU. If UK students gain weight at uni, it's probably down to the British drinking culture and the fact that young people here leave home without proper cooking and budgeting skills. Also subsidised student canteens that offer healthy choices would be a massive improvement.

Yes but going up 3 or 4 dress sizes is quite extreme.

Op's DD has gone up 4 dress sizes in what will have been around 9 months. She may already have an eating disorder.

Op I hope that you are finding this thread useful, it's a really difficult situation.

She's 19... and probably well aware! Be really careful with conversations like this because the psychological effect of you saying something could be long lasting. You are her safe space as a parent with whom she can feel secure and free from judgment etc

I agree it's quite a bit of weight to put on but with eating disorders (and all forms of disordered eating) at an all time high I would be treading very carefully. You want to avoid a shame, binge type cycle which can be linked to poor self esteem and twisted diet and wellness culture that's all over social media etc!

Instead I would ensure there are always healthy snacks available when she's home, keep a watchful eye on her mental heath etc, support her and boost her etc as I'm sure you already are. Suggest walks etc or long shopping trips as they are good exercise too! But ultimately leave her be, most people eat and drink too much while at uni due to lifestyle- it's not forever and once she's at work it should start to come off.

I agree, is she happy - with her course, her accomodation, her friendships, or is she sitting in her room crying and comfort eating, because she has practically doubled her body size in nine months and that isn’t a healthy thing to have happened.

That’s a huge amount of weight to gain and at her height likely to be obese, if not morbidly obese.

but you can’t raise it I don’t think : just facilitate what you can so she can live healthily eg pay for gym memberships and healthy meal box subscriptions and fresh fruit and vege deliveries (by way of example)

Just to add... we already know that clothes size labels vary and my daughter, who is a similar age wears some large sizes in some things as likes them to look baggy!

This last paragraph is very true. It’s not ideal but there are - yes there really are - more important issues in life than weight. I know some people really struggle to see that.

I know lots of people in very superficial families who all look great and are riddled with MH issues despite - and maybe even because of - their priorities. That’s not to say being healthy isn’t a good thing; but when things get out of whack it needs to be contextualised and handled appropriately. @Threetrees745 made me smile with the “ ten tonne tessie” comment, not because it isn’t awful, but because it’s exactly the sort of comment many these parents I know would make “ out of love and concern.” A bit of “gentle shaming” to set things right - without realising that maybe feeling accepted for who they are might help their Dc rather more in the bigger picture . Health is important; but the challenge for parents is that lots of things are important: confidence, acceptance, appropriate communication and a feeling of intrinsic self worth are often overlooked ( and even sacrificed) in favour of achievement and appearance.

I went up from a 6 to a 14. I was a very fussy eater as a child and my parents had a one meal for all policy, eat it or leave it.

Freed from those constraints at university I ate what I liked, mainly pizza. Nothing green.

A couple of years after graduating my diet had much improved and I was back down to a six.

It is such a tricky one. I'm her height and have just hit just under 12.5 stone and honestly I'm feeling it. To have gone up so much so quickly is a big deal and I think beyond the point where you can let it go. Even her starting weight will have been damaging to her health. She's so young, and if she doesn't get a handle on it now she likely never will and will suffer for it.

I'd approach it from the health angle, and stress as you have done here that it's her body to do with as she wishes but that you're worried about her health and is there anything she'd like to discuss with you.

I know we can (rightfully) be worried about discussing weight with young women for fear of triggering an eating disorder, but frankly with that weight gain at that height in that timeframe she may already have one.

You are her parent not a randomer off of the street. You are allowed to be concerned for your child even though she is an adult. I absolutely would raise it with her in a tactful way. It isn't bodyshaming to say she has put a fair bit of weight on and ask if you could get her a gym membership or a walking pad (doesn't take up too much space), make some healthy batch cooked meals that she can bung in her portion of the freezer. Your concern comes from a place of love. The fact that you are even asking on here how to approach it demonstrates that. We shouldn't be so afraid to be seen as bodyshaming that we can't tell the truth in a tactful way.

I think it's worth thinking how you would think about the situation if someone you loved had LOST so much weight they were clearly unwell.

Would you sit back and say nothing?

It's common for people to put on the 'freshers 15' - which is about a dress size or two.

Size 14 was not that healthy to start with IMO - it's the upper end of what someone that age should be tbh. I'd be very concerned in OP's situation as size 20/22 at age 19 is very shocking and I don't think we should normalise that.