To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

[chillijam23]

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

Weight being such a taboo subject is a very British thing. In nearly every other culture, they simply say if they're worried about someone gaining weight. Because it's spoken about openly, people are less emotional about it.
I really don't think this is true. Yeah, in some Asian cultures it is socially acceptable to pat someone else's stomach and call them fat but I have seen locals be offended by it. Also I'm not British and I can tell that I know a few culture where people are very emotional about their weight.

His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned.

Um, no they don’t. I never did and neither did any of my friends.

Definitely more than the rest of the family, especially other DD and me (DH eats a lot but hes tall and active). I'd say probably more than last year but wasnt really noticing so much then.

I don't know whether he's noticed it or not or whether hes just ignoring it. He told me he didn't think i should worry.

Oh please! You’ve really got the bit between your teeth trying to vilify this guy haven’t you! Not everyone would aporoach this your way. It doesn’t make him wrong.

I personally wouldn’t create a storm round it either. I would wait for my opportunity to support dd when she reaches out - which will come op now you are aware having seen her again.

Than the OP's daughter, yes, but not the poster I was actually addressing with that remark.

There is no other way to put on weight!

Maybe she is anxious.

I would have asked if she is eating healthy, is everything ok with university, drinking enough water, does she need help/support with anything?

Size 14 to 20 is a lot.

What do you mean? ‘Maybe she is anxious’ she is still eating too many cals? That’s how you gain weight.

I don't think a week's holiday is really the root of the problem but yes point taken.

She's fairly close with her sister. Her sister has said something to me about it, that shes shocked at how much weight shes put on, but not that shes spoken to her about it.

No she doesnt work at uni.

Marriage with DH is generally good, thats why i was surprised at his reaction. I dont know if its just a bit head in the sand with him tbh.

Sorry just catching up on everything thanks for your messages.

I honestly wouldnt say i think shes struggling with anxiety or anything, i can't say i've noticed anything different in her character since last year. Obviously there is something going on with weight gain like that, possibly binging.

I'm hoping she'll go back to uni for this year like other people have said and realise enough is enough and start to lose the weight.

I'm also going to have another talk with DH tonight about the whole thing because his attitude has really annoyed me tbh.

I actually had a serious eating disorder at uni and was unusual coming home a stone lighter. I was very unwell. My friends however put on alot of weight from drinking. You are right to be a bit concerned however no need to say anything sge will know too well. My mum pointed out my weight loss which only served to spur me on. Terrible. Nothing said I’d 100 percent best as you say. She will be totally fine.

Spoke to DH again about this tonight...he did apologise for making out like i was ridiculous, but hes definitely in denial about it. He said he didnt think she was 'that big' and when i pointed out her fitness levels etc with the sponsored walk, he said it wasn't a surprise because she won't have been exercising at uni.

Not sure its made me feel any better having the chat tbh

I'm not surprised you don't feel any better. Why is he not facing up to this? Sounds rather like your DD may be the apple who hasn't fallen far from his tree if she's also acting like things are normal.

By contrast to 21st century advice, many moons ago when I returned home from my 1st year at uni, my mother greeted me with "you look like you've been bumped up by a bicycle pump!" I laugh about it now but OMG the message hit home. I cut back on food immediately (I also worked 3 part time jobs that summer so very busy) and by the end of the summer, I had dropped 2 stone and was back to my pre-uni weight. My "bike pump" weight was actually less than your DD weighed when she first started at uni and I'm 5'9. My mother's approach was brutal but effective.

It’s also known as shaming. Shaming can be effective - very in fact, in terms of manipulating people into you want them to do.

It’s just these days we try to avoid the fallout in other areas of that approach.

I mean kicking puppies works at first too. They tend to stop what they are doing.

Brutal but effective might have worked for you, but in another person might push them the other way into binge eating - it's not some kind of modern weakness to care about someone's emotional wellbeing.

And fat shaming isn't effective for most people - studies into this have shown it more often leads to weight gain than weight loss. So it might work for some people, but for the majority it will have the opposite effect to what you intend.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-49714697.amp

Why not just gently nudge her to investigate Pcos or thyroid with her GP? Rule out the medical stuff first.

Yes yes I know she is an adult.

Here's the thing

Your daughter appears to have the propensity to be overweight. 5 ft 2 and 12.5 stone is overweight.

So now....she is obese and your husband is explaining the logics of why she is obese .....no exercise, too much crap food and alcohol

Makes sense

Trouble is, that doesn't help her health

I'm assuming here that she is healthy (ie no thyroid issue for example) and she's "simply" fat

What do you do? Is it any of your business to do anything? Would it help her to talk to you about it?

If I were you I'd make up my own mind and not be led by your husband who might be a head in sand type of person

If I were you I WOULD talk to her. I would think carefully about what I said so there was no blame or shaming attached to my words

And see what she says

A lot of people gain weight at uni (I did, but lost it intentionally in the summer between first and second year) but going from a 14 to a 22 is a really significant amount of weight.

She definitely knows she has gained weight so I question whether telling her will do anything, but she is also an adult now and it’s not really your responsibility to encourage her to lose it. I would be concerned that she is potentially struggling with her mental health, and would be more inclined to ask whether she needs support with this, as overeating can often be a symptom or sign of something more serious.

Of course, she could just be drinking loads and hitting takeouts too hard. It’s not unreasonable for you to be worried about her health, but you can only help her to the extent that you can help any other adult lose weight. Shaming her will damage your relationship and she has to be motivated to do it herself.

That’s really what I think. Pointing out the obvious isn’t going to solve it ( and it will be obvious to her in that space of time. She must have had to buy new underwear and everything). If she was younger and needed it explained how to fix it etc, that would be different.

That doesn’t mean you are unreasonable to be worried, but there are two different questions here: Aibu to be worried and Aibu to point it out to her .

It's a sign of changing times. I recall perhaps 2 or 3 people being overweight when I was at university in the 1990s, and all of those were male. Not a single woman that I recall was overweight. Nobody really did any regular exercise that I can recall, apart from walking to and around campus, but perhaps 18 year old students started off slimmer in the first place? There was also a lot of smoking and barely any takeaways, although students would often go to the union at lunchtime or out for a pub meal. Even 'going for a coffee' wasn't a big thing - I don't really remember doing it. I used to go to a student society that had a weekly meeting in the early afternoon in somebody's halls-of-residence room. Nobody ever thought of bringing biscuits or cakes - and we didn't go hungry without them - but I suspect a similar group of students definitely would today.

Overall, there seemed to be less around to eat, fewer places to eat it and far more young people smoked.

I lost weight at university as I was on starvation rations due to no grant and a lack of money from my parents!