To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

[chillijam23]

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

It isn't that parents aren't concerned, it is that you can very easily make the situation worse.

How can it be any worse? it's bad enough.

Size 14 to size 20/22 is a LOT more than the average stone of weight students supposedly put on in first year. Not all do.

Of course you can be concerned but there isn’t much you can actually do. Set a good example by eating well and being active. She’s an adult now you can’t influence what she does and will only damage your relationship if you bring it up. If she mentioned it offer to pay for a gym membership and/or send her fruit and veg boxes.

Don't recall gaining much at all really at uni so I don't think it's inevitable. But that was 30 years ago and we cooked a lot of house meals - chilli, lasagne etc. and Sunday carvery's.These days I suspect its all fastfood and takeaways. Since bake-off became a thing, cakes have featured more in life too. Didn't eat cake at all when younger, now its become almost trendy to have a perfect looking slice. Sign of the Times. I do remember using the uni gym and walking lots as didnt drive then.

I think there could be some cause for concern here because of potential mental health issues - is she comfort eating? Without any body shaming, I would have a conversation with her asking what she attributes the weight gain to and does it bother her. I had a similar conversation with my DD last summer as although she lost weight in her first year, she put on loads in year 2 (gone up from size 8 to 12) mainly due to having a pub job which meant drinking more and having more money and less time so living on fast food. She told me she didn't like her bigger belly and we both tried dieting for a couple of weeks, but then gave up and took the decision to love the bodies we're in. Your DD's weight gain seems to be more than that of poor student lifestyle. Starting uni can be very stressful and girls can develop eating disorders. She might need a bit of support.

What did you do in the past, as she was already obese before she went to university, it's just escalated really quickly. Can you honestly say she was a healthy weight until the end of high school? A woman's size 10 is still big for a 5 foot 2, 12 year old.

Whether it's been a constant theme or a sudden change should inform how you approach it with her.

Can you suggest a check at the doctor to rule out a medical cause, did she go on the pill or anything that started it off or was it just discovering alcohol - what do you think changed?

I would actually be concerned that if she has been a healthy weight most of her life and it changed quite quickly, that something happened to her and the eating is a trauma response.

Are you a healthy weight OP? I would say you could only approach this if you were overweight, in a 'I'm thinking of going to slimming world/weightwatchers etc' and see how she responds, she may not want to discuss but her reaction may give you a hint as to whether she's happy with her weight or not, but if you are already a healthy weight it will be difficult to navigate without coming across as condescending I'm afraid.

I put a lot of weight on at a similar time in my life and kept it on for years, I regret it and wish I hadn't but honestly if someone had sat me down (especially someone of a healthy weight) I don't think it would have had a positive effect, maybe it is just her lesson to learn. Maybe when she finishes uni and starts her career it will all change again, but it depends on where her life takes her, maybe shelve all this until this phase of her life is over, and just be a completely neutral ear if she ever wants to discuss anything.

I'd only be really worried if her fitness/health/size made it so she couldn't enjoy the same things as her peers.

Obvious that she knows she has gained too much weight, in a very short time. She knows this because she has had to buy new everything at least twice.

She had the internet for advice - there cannot be any info she can get from you that she can’t get elsewhere.

Don’t give her any comments or advice at all. At home, YOU, DH prepare for yourself/family, appropriate meals. Cut down juice, alcohol. Do this for yourselves.

Take her to shops to buy her clothes that fit, I can imagine she might be wearing old things that might not look great. Dont make any disapproving faces or words.
She owns this, just be her mother. Don’t encourage gain, but don’t be another negative voice either.
She will lose it if/when she wants to.

If she ever expresses that she wants help, then by all means - help.

Deeply concerned about a size 14?

If it was my DD I would definitely say something. That is a lot of weight gain in a short space of time, and I would want to try and support her as it is an obvious health risk. I think fine to butt out if a friend or stranger but no way if it was my daughter. I would be trying to find out the reasons, whether emotional, or medical.

@mm81736 Exactly, any mention of weight from anyone made me secret eat. I just loved eating and hated exercise and nobody was going to change that. It took my own realisation to do anything about it and make changes.

Why would you be concerned with a size 14? Have you got daughters?

How much do you think she knows about diet and nutrition, OP? I remember a friend of mine (in her 50s) did the Noom app and she was incredibly shocked because she had NO IDEA how many calories were in e.g. a big bowl of crisps or a takeaway. Is it possible that your DD is also not really understanding the connection between how she is eating/drinking and her weight gain?

Harsh, I’m glad you’re not my parent!

OP, talk to her about health issues that arise with obesity.

Maybe do a mother
/daughter health challenge with her? You both aim to get 10k steps in, or cook 3 x healthy meals and then share that with each other.

Think it was the clarification that she was a size 14 at 12/12.5 stone and 5’2”, which is obese. Women can wear size 14 whilst obese thanks to stretchy clothing!

My kids are at university. I would discuss it with them directly. We have a very open communication style in our family and there is lots of love too. I could not imagine not discussing this with my daughter one-to-one.

I probably phrased that badly earlier...she was quite sporty when she was younger but mostly stopped in the first couple of years of high school. It was year 9 onwards she started to put on weight, she's never been very slim but i'd say a healthy weight or not far off prior to that. I wouldn't argue that she would have been overweight by the time she went to college.

I'm a size 10/12 so yes difficult.

I wouldnt say its had much if any of an impact on what she does with her friends so far, but the impact on her fitness is definitely noticeable (to me anyway - that's how it came up in conversation with DH)

Size 14 already means a few extra pounds but getting to 22 so quickly is just going to make her much more difficult to lose this weight. She is young so she should start now, it will be much harder to lose it when she is in 30s or 40s. Sadly too many young people eat junk food, talk to her what she eats during the week? Absolutely encourage her to cut out any sort of snacking. I would get her interested in healthy eating and healthy cooking.

I think you are right to be concerned parents, weight is a sensitive subject though, so you will be treading on eggshells here. But this is four clothing sizes, and aside from the actual weight gain, the underlying issues for her general health will be very noticeable. Even at such a young age, her fitness will be compromised. I would be having a general health conversation, under the guise of checking in on foods eaten, hair and skin, sleep quality, getting vitamins and minerals, etc… Try and make it a lightweight discussion, as yes, technically an adult, but a very new adult, perhaps finding her feet, not quite sure on how to pace eating well, having a few drinks and unhealthy snacks. Exercise of some sort as well? Why not buy her a simple Fitbit that will tell her what her day has been like in terms of movement, a bit of cardio exercise, and simply prompting movement each hour? Think they are around £75 for an Aspire, no need for paying for extras.
Being a concerned parent, treading lightly, offering a bit of insight, isn’t fat shaming. It’s making sure that big mistakes are understood, that it’s ok to have a treat but in moderation, and looking after general health is good as a lifelong skill. The words used, the approach will be key. Hope it all goes well.

6-8 dress sizes is shocking. Hardly the freshman 15. Could she get her thyroid checked?

She's also quite a big snacker so she'd quite often come in from the corner shop over the summer with crisps, chocolate, biscuits etc

There's your answer.
Overweight people underestimate just how many calories they eat between meals.
I've never heard of putting on weight at uni being normal and haven't noticed it in people I know.

You are right to be concerned. However careful when talking to her. I'm an adult and my mother has brought up a few times my weight gain. She did it politely and it still made me feel like shit. I know I'm overwheright and I struggle with it. And it makes me feel sad and I'm trying to work on it. My mother bringing it up hurt and I don't really want to eat in front of her at the moment. And I have relatively ok self esteem so this was not expected. Im working really hard to lose weight and I don't even want to talk about it

You said she was wearing a 14 dress size . And now you think 22 ?
Are the items over sized and baggy on her?
I just think given she is only 5ft2 then when you gain weight at that height it does show more .
And she may be buying bigger then she needs clothes as she is probably well aware she has gained weight.
But maybe not as much as you or others are implying.
I'm 5.10 so compared to a woman who is 5.2 I can get away with carrying a bit more weight .