To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

[chillijam23]

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

Lots of people are perfectly healthy, not overweight and a size 14. Why would it be of deep concern to you?

Really. I was one of the only ones without a credit card at my uni. Definitely possible.

Well it’s the most likely cause isn’t it?

Although I agree it's a concerning weight gain, there is absolutely no doubt that she is aware of it - you shouldn't discuss it unless she comes to you about it nothing good will come of that discussion.

I don't think a conversation will achieve what some posters imagine it will.

Unless she a) hasn't noticed her weight gain and/or b) doesn’t know how to lose weight, then it won't help. And there is no way that either of those things are the case. She's a young woman with a mirror in the age of social media, she knows how her appearance has changed. And everyone knows the theory of healthy eating and how to lose weight. Either she doesn't want to lose weight or she can't do it. And I don't think you, OP, as her slim mother who hasn't experienced this yourself, can actually help her with it. From what you say she's been putting on weight for years and it's just accelerated with her leaving home.

I can see why you're worried about her and that you love her, but I don't think you can fix this for her. It's a very hard thing about being a parent. Just be there for her as a loving, supportive presence and she might come to you at some point or maybe she won't. I think some people really believe that overweight people are just a bit stupid, and once someone explains the health implications and the principles of nutrition then hooray problem solved but it doesn't work like that. It's not simple at all.

What do you think you will accomplish by bringing it up? She is aware of the weight gain. If you were in her shoes, what would it accomplish if your mother mentioned it to you? It’s not about protecting her feelings - it’s about the fact it is useless to bring it up unless she decides to do so.

She knows she's gained weight. You don't need to tell her. But you're also going to be concerned with such a significant weight gain

First, maybe she should do some tests to see if there is anything going on. I gained a ton of weight at that age and turns out I had Hashimotos! The weight only came off once I was medicated. Doesn't hurt to rule out a medical cause.

That aside, is there anything you can do to help her be healthier? Not necessarily weight but health overall? I think if you're going to broach this sensitive subject, ask yourself what the objective is. It'll probably be better received (although not a given) if you ask if she needs some help to improve her health. If you can afford a meal service for her or send her back to uni with prepared healthy meals for the freezer, offer to do C25K together if you can etc

It is very common to put on weight at uni and even has a term associated with it - 'freshers 15'. Lot's of people would carry that weight and you'd hardly notice and then they lose it again, but it is a thing.

At her height and weight OP’s daughter was already obese at size 14 before starting university.

I would be very concerned OP but it looks like her weight issues have started much earlier. She’s a grown up though and surely aware that she’s obese.

I think approaching it from a health perspective it’s absolutely fine to bring it up. I went the other way when I started uni and lost quite a lot of weight, not deliberately but just a bit of the stress of the workload, living away from parents for the first time so didn’t really think to make proper meals that first year, basically living on snacks, vodka and coffee, always either studying, working, running or out partying! I didn’t regularly weigh myself and hadn’t really noticed myself losing it but when I came home for the summer my mum did notice and raised it with me not in an awful or cruel way but literally from a health perspective and when I did weigh myself I was really shocked. My mum helped me get into better habits and learn how to batch cook loads of different meals, helped me get back to normal exercising etc and I really benefitted from that guidance to get into a healthy routine and never felt she was being awful. If you can give guidance in a healthy way I think that could be great.

We are all open and honest in our family and if anyone gained that much weight in a short time or to be honest if any of our children, nieces, nephews were anything but a healthy weight it would be spoken about with them.

We are all very active and healthy so someone putting on weight like this would be very at odds with us all and we would think something is wrong and they would need help and support to lose the weight.

In your family the dynamics may be different but lets me honest, a size 20/22 for a young woman is incredibly obese and unhealthy.

I can't see why a friendly and supportive chat with her would be amiss.

Ermm...it's quite a likely explanation.

I put a stone on in my first year from eating a lot of takeaways, and generally not wanting to cook in a disgusting kitchen. Plus being all "I can choose what to eat now, yey!" In my second year I moved in with friends and joined the gym and lost that stone. Personally I wouldn't say anything, my parents never mentioned my weight and I'd have been mortified if they had.

Since she was already obese before starting uni it sounds like the issues have been on going for a while now.

I would definitely encourage her to join slimming world and gym now before it escalates.

I'm 5' 5" and going from a 14 to a 20/22 means 5 stone for me. I'm currently 18/20 and hoping to get back down with the 16;8 fasting and walking at least 7000 steps a day. I have also stopped drinking alcohol - this may be a contributory factor for your daughter, I know people can drink a lot at uni. However, being reminded that I was fat was never helpful, I already knew! You can maybe persuade her to get health checked because being told I was prediabetic did it for me. She needs to get her blood sugar checked.

When I was a student we didn't just have a couple of takeaways a week. It was mcdonalds for lunch, late night chips after the pub, crisps chocolate in big sizes watching movies etc.

However that was the early 2000s most teens are super health conscious these days thanks to fitness influencers and you tube, and don't drink like we used to.

It is very common to put on weight at uni and even has a term associated with it - 'freshers 15'. Lot's of people would carry that weight and you'd hardly notice and then they lose it again, but it is a thing.

Maybe some gain a few pounds but I don't think it's common to go up 3-4 dress sizes and that shouldn't be normalised.

Because as many people have said, having a chat about it more often than not just leads to embarrassment, shame, feeling unloved and just eating more and secretly. Puts a wedge between you. It rarely has the desired effect.

Im surprised at people saying it's common to gain weight at uni. I lost loads of weight in my first year and my periods stopped for 6 months, mainly because I hated the food in halls.

Maybe she needs to get into drinking vodka or gin instead of beer? Far fewer calories.

you forgot number 3: is extremely rude

There are a few illnesses/hormone issues that can develop in late teens, such as PCOS, or Cushing's Syndrome, or thyroid issues as another poster mentioned. If she has gone on the pill for the first time, that can affect weight.

Take a tactful look at her chin - if she is growing dark hairs excessively, it could be Cushing's Syndrome.
If her eyebrows are thinning at the outer edges and her eyes are always itchy, that could be a thyroid issue.

I'm really, REALLY surprised she has not mentioned this in conversation to you OP. Are you not very close? Could there be a reason she hasn't mentioned this?

As someone who has struggled with weight all my life, particularly since teens, I just can't imagine a scenario I wouldn't have at some point, spoken to my mother about it.

That being said, the ONLY time I gained this much weight, this fast, was gaining 5 stone in a few months, after having the contraceptive implant fitted. GP & nurses (whom I did speak to about it, as I knew myself I'd not changed anything about my lifestyle, not a bean) absolutely assured me that the contraceptive implant could not cause weight gain, and if anything, caused weight loss in some people. A few years later, I started dropping weight randomly, very fast - had people commenting on it, asking what I was doing to lose weight. Absolutely nothing - I hadn't changed eating habits, exercise or lifestyle in any way. The only thing that had changed, so it turned out, was the contraceptive implant had ran past the time of effectiveness (I was very late having it removed). I have met one other person this has happened to.

I'd not find it hard to imagine that she would be using contraception whilst away at Uni. Whilst it's not typical to gain such a large amount of weight, so quickly, from contraception, it absolutely happens in a minority of cases. For me, it almost as if it 'triggered' my PCOS symptoms, which I was later diagnosed with (whether it would have emerged anyway, who knows, but it certainly triggered something).

There are also other medical problems it could be - cushings syndrome is one.

I don't want to get into the great big 'fat debate' with people, where we all argue that fat people are just lazy and greedy vs medical issue cause, but at 5 foot 2, and speaking from experience of having weight issues, gaining that amount of weight in a year by diet alone is a massive undertaking and not an easy feat, without some other problems at play. If it WERE from diet alone, I'd be really concerned at what's suddenly changed so quickly, to make her diet change that drastically and quickly.

Drinking and a bad diet will absolutely make you gain weight, and weight gain can be surprisingly rapid - this is too rapid. Why hasn't she spoken to you herself, is my other concern.

I'd have no idea how you'd raise this with her given she hasn't initiated the conversation herself. But there's more to this.

I’d be really concerned. Size 22 is very obese & unhealthy. It will have consequences for her energy & health moving forward, She’s an adult though & she may have got sucked into a “body positivity” mindset. Very tricky.

20 years ago when I was there it was very common to gain weight. All the booze and takeaways and inactive lifestyles, both men and women.