To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

[chillijam23]

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

It really depends on your relationship with your daughter. It’s most likely that it will not help at all if you say something. Often, food and fat are very problematic topics, especially for mothers and daughters.

One of the worst things about being a parent is that you are rightly concerned about things which you can’t do anything about.

I can see the dilemma but ultimately I would have to say something. A size 22 is very large for a young girl. Maybe start by asking her if she is enjoying living away from home and how she is managing cooking and household tasks. That may open a conversation about what she is eating etc.

I would be careful not to upset her as she is likely of the weight gain herself. My mum constantly used to call me fat when I was younger and she once shouted at me when I came home from uni and I had went up a dress size. She screamed at me and called me ten tonne tessie which was absolutely awful but in her own weird way, she believed she was helping as she thought she would shock me into doing something about it. I'm a healthy size 12 as an adult but it's left me with lifelong issues with food and my appearance. Don't be that person OP!

I remember an American term called freshman 15 for 15lb on. Totally normal in my experience for women at uni to gain weight when away from home. Most of my friends piled couple stone on in 1st year (we weren't into sports). We all ended up joining the gym and a slimming class in second year as we were cheesed off

Is it really normal to put on weight at university? My children have lost weight at university as not eating and sleeping properly as too busy socialising etc! They weren't very big to start with. I always assumed this was the norm but maybe not?

Weight is a very difficult and emotive topic to discuss though. Your daughter will be well aware she has put on weight and is highly unlikely to appreciate any unsolicited comments. I would try to ensure the home diet is healthy and nourishing and only offer your thoughts if she brings up the subject. I am overweight and there is no way that anyone can bring up the subject in a helpful way. I know I am overweight. I know it's not healthy. I try not to eat too much. I fail. The only person who can change things is me and people's unqualified love and support is the most helpful thing, regardless of how much I weigh.

I think if I was your dd I would much prefer you sat down and had a conversation with me about my lifestyle choices that might be contributing to my weight gain rather than give very unsubtle hints like giving me a gym pass or healthy food vouchers.

She is an adult and presumably, an intelligent adult, if she is at university. She must be very aware of the weight gain.

I think having a conversation about eating habits is very normal when young people go away for the first time.Most parents are concerned about their children coping well adjusting to looking after themselves.

So yes talk to her - on the proviso the conversation is from the angle of concern re health and wellbeing and not criticism.

I put on a lot of weight in my first year at Uni too. It was a combination of swapping my mum's well balanced, home cooking for takeaways and pot noodles, dropping all the structured sport I'd had at school and too much alcohol. It took me a long time to shift it. I'm not sure you can do much though OP, your DD will be acutely aware she's gained weight but the will power to shift it obviously can only come from her. I guess you could just ask her if she's finding time to eat properly and has enough cash to buy fresh food.

As a binge eater I know it takes a lot of eating to go up so many sizes so quickly. Many times there isn't an emotional cause or trauma, for me it was just I was away from home and could finally eat whatever I wanted. Which just so happened to be a lot of unhealthy food.
I realised what I'd done and then lost it all for the 3rd year. She'll hit the realisation point

How can they all afford so many takeaways? Things have changed so much!

It was the dark ages but we ate in hall, at the college and faculty cafeteria, and cooked in the communal kitchens dotted around, usually together with friends. We also drank mostly in cheap college bars.

We’d maybe eat out once a term to celebrate something.

Yes I think you should be concerned. For a short, young adult to be a size 22 is a big health concern.
What you should do depends on your relationship.

I wouldn’t say a thing. Just encourage healthy eating at home and don’t buy or fund junk food, processed snacks or takeaways for her in the holidays. Just say oh we are trying to eat more healthily now.

anything at all is better than an eating disorder. You don’t want to kick start anything by remarking.

I'm guessing credit cards. I was a full-time university student between 1976 and 1981, in the glorious era of grants and paid tuition. Of course, grants were means tested and parents expected to make up the difference (not all did - I recall some children of relatively well-off parents who got very little to live on). But we could not get credit cards, which meant what you got to live on was ALL you got.

Take-aways weren't really a feature for us in my student days.

Although it may not feel like it to you, she is now an adult. She needs to make her own life decisions and choices. She knows the situation.

However, I think that finances and social life have a large part to do with all of this and maybe self consciousness. Just love and support her and if she comes up with the idea of getting healthier, support her.

I get this completely. My mum was obsessed with her own weight and our fridge at home was full of low fat and diet products which were absolutely disgusting. We were only allowed takeaways as a very rare treat and no chocolate, biscuits or cakes were ever in the house (apart from those shitty fibre one things). Not that I condone a diet full of "treats" but I think a big part of being a kid is excitedly eating a chocolate cookie with no guilt or understanding of calories. You just eat it because it's delicious and then you go back to playing.

As soon as I moved out, I got a bit over excited that I could make my own food choices without guilt and I gained a bit of weight. Coupled with the fact that I did a lot of sports at school which I had then dropped when I left for uni and all the alcohol, a fair bit of weight went on quickly.

You really think that the average 18 year old is being granted a credit card? 😵‍💫
I tried for DD as I wanted her to start building up her credit score - it is borderline impossible to get one so young.

I didn’t really answer your question which is YANBU to be concerned though. But I would keep your concerns private.

Sounds like she has fallen victim to the freshers fifteen! I was the same at uni.

I think you can have a talk about time management, health and well-being, and balancing study with exercise without mentioning weight or appearances. Maybe say you read an article about university students neglecting their health.

Can you help her make healthy meals or meal preps to make it easier for her during the week so she isn’t ordering takeaways? Does she have any active hobbies you could encourage or could you encourage her with a gym membership - even if it was to meet more people via classes?

I think it’s tricky to bring this up in the right way that doesn’t focus on weight gain and add pressure to her. Maybe encourage sport and healthy eating as stress relief and fuelling her brain correctly for all the studying! It is also important to be physically fit enough to sit a week of exams, for example, as they take a toll both mentally and physically.

I can see why you would want to try to halt or reverse the weight gain .
But how you approach the situation will have an impact on your relationship.
You do not want to be the mum who criticised/shamed her daughter . She will not forgive you quickly for that .
Has she settled well in uni? Friends? No problems confidence wise?
I would try to find out if anything was troubling her and causing her to comfort eat.
If not then then maybe get her a weekly food box subscription.

I agree. I’ve been pretty much every size that they make, and 14 to 22 really is a massive jump in a year-ish period.

I binge ate heavily in first/second year of uni. We had no sweets, fizzy drinks etc. at home and I was in a whole new world of being able to buy whatever I wanted and get bags of chips after nights out. I definitely didn’t go up 4 sizes in a school year though…

I don’t know what the answer is OP. It’s a massive amount of weight especially on a shorter person. But how you would broach it, I don’t know. I just know I wouldn’t have been too receptive to anything at that age…

How we put on weight. Coffee loaded with sugar or syrup. Sugary breakfast cereal instead healthier options at home. Pot noodles. Crisps and chocolate as quick and easy than cooking. Late night bags of chips after boozing. High calorie mixers such as red bull in triple vodka. Don't think I saw fruit or veg in my first year

This is a really tricky problem. My daughter gained a lot of weight in sixth form and I was too scared to say anything because I was worried it would potentially cause ED .
She went to Uni and ironically developed Orthorexia after a couple of stressful situations. She had to give up Uni in her third year because she was so unwell.
She is a lot better now . I will ask her what the teenager version of DD , wishes I had advised .

You're not unreasonable to be concerned. I think your husband is unreasonable not to be. She's so young and that is a lot of weight to gain so quickly and it's obviously very unhealthy to be that size.

I actually would say something if it was my child and it would be from a place of love. Depending on your relationship, it could be a difficult conversation, but I think it's one that is worth having as long as she knows you love her and it's only because you're concerned.

so how much weight did your DC put on at uni?
Did they finish year 1 with an obese BMI?

@chillijam23 Absolutely ok for you to be concerned. Absolutely NOT ok for you to say anything to her.

She will absolutely know she has put on weight and it will be bothering her, but if you raise it with her, she will probably be even more upset about it. She is an adult and she will need to want to lose weight for herself. I'm someone who has struggled with my weight since late teens and would love to be thin

Could you say your worried if she is eating healthy and ask if there is anything you can do to help.
That opens the conversation without it been about weight and looks. I am pretty sure my parents were worried I wasn't eating enough when I came home after the first term and sent me back with lots of home cooked frozen meals for the freezer.
It is easy to under estimate how hard it is to get used to shopping, planning and cooking at 18. Anything you can do to help make it simple may help. A big shop of easy reasonably healthy food at the start of term? Doesn't have to be super wholesome but just easy things so she doesn't keep getting takeaways or filling up on snacks.
Cooking for one in student kitchens means super simple. Omelettes, jacket potatos, pesto pasta, salad- really get back to basics with her and help her come up with a plan.

It's true they eat badly at uni, mine came home skeletal.

It's difficult because there is no way she isn't aware of this. No-one could be happy with such weight gain so what could you achieve by talking to her?
Weight gained becomes harder to lose as you get older and we are not talking about a few pounds here.
If she were a younger teen I would definately get involved because it's a parent's responsibility that their child is not over or under nourished. At 18 and not in your home most of the time it's different. The trouble is if you do nothing you may regret not trying to help.

I would try to get a picture of her lifestyle- is she cooking or buying junk?
Encourage her to get fit, join sports though the adage you can't exercise away a bad diet is true.