AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

I think it's unreasonable to expect a committed relationship to continue if you're not regularly participating in sex but that also goes for childcare, cleaning, emotional intimacy and whatever the terms were when you entered it

No, sex should be about enthusiastic consent. I’d hate it if I felt my husband didn’t want to have sex but felt obliged to. It would make feel dirty and awful to be frank. It also would not be the kind of sex I want, there would be no intimacy.

YABU sex should never be a duty.

Definitely not. Are you crazy?

Not a duty but yes there would be an expectation.
For me it's part of the intimacy of being a couple rather than just friends, once the intimacy goes the relationship does too

I mean i would absolutely hate it if i found out my partner was forcing himself to have sex with me when he didn't really want to.
But admittedly when i was married we sometimes had sex when he wanted it and i was a bit meh about it.

YABVVU

It's never a duty to provide sex but lack of sex may be a reason for someone to decide that they don't want to continue the relationship.

These types of posts have got to be journos digging surely... no-one talks like this. Yes, sex is important, no it's not a duty.

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Sex should never be duty. But, at the same time, I don't think people in sexless marriages can complain when said marriage then breaks down.

You should only have sex when you want to. If you don't want to, you should tackle the reasons why.

I don't think you can expect someone to stay in a sexless relationship. But I also don't think you should have sex if you don't want to.

I think sexual compatibility is highly important in relationships and people don't give it enough thought. Women are far too willing to accept poor sex and then inevitably get bored of putting up with it once they have a settled life. Builds resentment both ways imo.

I used to view it like this. Him whinging on about his needs and expecting me to do my duty. Some chats with women's aid, and therapy later made me realised that duty is just a more accepted term than coerced sex/rape. Nobody has a duty to have sex. That's not how loving relationships work.

Duty, absolutely not.

Reasonable expectation, yes - just like a partner who cares for you and supports you is also a reasonable expectation of a romantic relationship, you should be able to expect that they want to have sex with you.

The type and frequency of that sex is down to compatibility which should ideally be something you work out before getting into a committed relationship with anyone.

If the type or frequency either partner wants changes for whatever reason I would say they have a duty to communicate this honestly - in fact I would call honest communication in general a duty in a relationship.

If sex ever became a duty in my marriage I'd leave it. The only things I "owe" my husband are what I promised in my marriage vows. Since shagging wasn't mentioned that's something we do together for fun. If it ever stopped for any reason the conversation we'd be having wouldn't be about what either of us owes the other. It'd be about getting back on the same page of mutual enjoyment of intimacy of all kinds.

I'm also baffled by people who'd want to have sex with someone who was doing it out of a sense of duty rather than because they enthusiastically want to. Huge side eye to anyone who is comfortable using their life partner as a masturbation aid.

I think in general the only people who view sex as a "duty of marriage" are men who generally don't pull their weight in life and are surprised that their exhausted wives don't then want to shag them, consider sex to be both a need and a right, and are generally quite shit in bed.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly

Wow. You're saying these are not legit reasons. How about you pick up the chores and think of things that need doing then she might not be as exhausted enough to have sex.

You sound like you've spent too much time hanging out with incels.

It sounds like you're blaming your partner for not wanting intimacy, rather than yourself for not setting up the mood

My friend has lost her libido since early menopause hit her over a decade ago.

She actually has a reminder in her calendar each week to initiate sex with her husband.

She doesn't actually want sex but she knows how important sex is to him and for their relationship

They love each other v much and he's a great husband.

This works for them. Can imagine though if he wasn't a great husband she'd probably struggle to do this

She says he's not selfish and she'd be being selfish if she didn't do this for him

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy,

That is where you are going wrong. Sex does not equal intimacy. You can get intimacy through other things. Have you tried those?

but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

No.

God no, how bleak. I think as others have said if there's no longer compatability as to frequency, then honest conversations about the root cause are in order, and possibly some work to be done on the relationship. Physical intimacy is a big part of a relationship for me, but only if both of us are fully engaged and enthusiastic.

Sometimes I can't be arsed having sex with my husband but he's a kind, patient man so I do it - it takes me a few minutes to get into it and then I have a great time

He has never forced me, guilt tripped me or coerced me - but sometimes I do initially make myself do it because it's important and he's a brilliant man

I am not as attracted to him as I once was (he's 16y older than me) but I knew this would happen. We have sex maybe 3 times per week and he's very good. It's just the initial cba thing I struggle with

Sex should never be a duty but also don't be surprised if your marriage breaks down over it. Just because sex is not important to you doesn't mean it's not important to your partner.