AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

I think men (because it's by and large men,) would do better to think about and address the reasons why their partner doesn't want sex with them than to bang on about it being a duty. A bit of self-reflection wouldn't come amiss.

And tbh by the time one partner is flinging the word "duty" at the other in this context, the relationship is best put out of its misery.

Are you serious? Would you like to have sex with your partner if he said "well, I don't feel like it but I will force myself since it's my duty". Would it be ok if I listened to a pod while performing my duty cause I have zero libido ? Or should I just take a sleeping pill?

Are you my DH?! 😂

What @JollyTallTeddy said. I agree. We're all fighting nature trying to remain monogamous but it's so ingrained that you should stay with one person for the rest of your life that if they're an issue eg sex you have to "work through it" and its seen as a failing if you can't.
Years ago women put up with their lot because of finances etc. I can't imagine desiring my dh when he's older, he does enough things now that give me the ick!

My partner wont have sex with me and hasnt done for 8 years!

Obviously there has to be consent on every occasion, and at a legal/physical level everyone is entitled to say No. But beyond that it gets into the nature of the relationship contract.

Marriage vows include a commitment not to have sex with anyone else. Given that sex is a normal adult thing to do, this implies that the partners will have sex with each other at some (perhaps implicitly) mutually-agreed frequency. (Apologies for the 🤓 tone here!)

If they can't find a way to agree on the frequency — and particularly if one insists on the frequency being zero when the other doesn't — then the relationship has broken down, because another part of the marriage contract is a commitment to solve problems together, whether that's "no sex" or "buying a Ferrari with the school fee fund money".

So the issue for me is not so much about the sex as it is about what it says about the relationship. For what it's worth I don't think that a marriage with a unilateral withdrawal of sex by one partner, in the absence of illness or disability, is likely to survive, but that will vary among people because it's part of the ongoing negotiations in the ways we deal with the fundamental problem — revealed in dozens of "AIBU about my DH" posts every day — of being individuals while also existing within a partnership.

(Of course lots of people don't get married, but I think the principle applies there too. You and your partner have made a commitment to sort out issues by negotiation, and if one of you has a red line that the other can't accept, then that has failed.)

OP - i think you should use your 2nd post on the thread to start a new thread in Relationships.

Unfortunately the majority of readers only read the opening post and they're all still responding to that and will for hours until your thread peters out.

My advice would be to talk to him about how you feel. The sitting looking at his phone thing is prob. porn.

No, sex should not be seen as duty or a chore. However, in a long term romantic relationship I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have the expectation of regular sex, otherwise you’re just friends and housemates. The important thing is that people are treated well enough to want to have sex - sharing chores, for example, so a partner isn’t too tired and feels valued AND (and this is important) that the sex is good, and satisfying, and life affirming. My DP is a wonderful bed partner (a multiple orgasm provider) and I can turn to him when I need a bit of stress relief or a good nights sleep. So we like to have sex 3-4 times a week (not bad for people in their 50s 😊) and it really takes the edge of the day to day stresses. If you’re doing all the work and the sex is crap, then you might benefit from couples therapy. Or just leave.

hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case.

Duty = a moral or legal obligation or action required as part of a job

Except you are, you are insinuating people should be coerced through societal pressure to have sex, that they required to do and thus are wrong and should be shamed or punished for not. You are talking about removing people rights to control use of their own body.

Even in the lightest way you stance can be taken its rape by bullying, shaming and peer pressure. Basically you can say no but you are wrong for doing so and a bad partner.

I personally think people with high sex drives are the problem. Its never anyone elses job to take care of your genital pleasure... if your so horny then masturbate like most people do.

What it actually comes down to though in what OP is describing is people with insecurities who hang their self worth and desirability as a person on weather another person will have sex with them which is frankly ridiculous. You have value regardless of sex and peoples sex drives rarely have anything to do with others but their own metal/physical health or hormone levels.

Lets also face it if this came from a man saying 'women have a duty to sleep with them' and moaning they are 'pissed off' because women are never 'in the mood' and always 'tired' so women are 'rejecting' them then theres a word for that... Incel.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, the lack of reciprocal affection and sex can be devastating.

If your partner is also sad about it, I would encourage you both to go to couples therapy to figure out if there are some things to be solved in the relationship that would help. This could be a game changer.

He might need some blood tests/ health check, so also worth visiting a good gp.

But ultimately, if he really doesn't want to engage on this and improve things, your relationship is not sustainable.

I wish you all the best.

I am actually shocked that anyone could ever think sex should be a duty. Yes, it should be part of a loving, intimate relationship and yes, there may be times when one or other of those in that relationship doesn't feel up to it. But that needs talking through, understanding, and coming to some sort of understanding. But duty? No.

I remember the time when my then husband came into my room and sat on the bed (we were already in separate rooms as our marriage was crumbling) and told me that as his wife, it was my duty to have sex, whether I wanted it or not.

I divorced him.

This 💯.

Agree with this. Think about the conditions that would make you want sex and create them. Really, the relationship and the sex should be good enough that the default is yes, not no (unless you’re ill or something). When I see people being surprised by their partner having an affair when they haven’t had sex for 6 years I alway think, ‘Why? Why would that surprise you?’ While nobody is entitled to sex, lots of people still want it for lots of very good biological, physiological, and psychological reasons. My DP describes sex as a hard reset. It clears his head and relaxes him and makes him feel loved. He’s not a bad person to want that.

''In regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner?''

NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Yes, in an otherwise healthy relationship there is an expectation of physical intimacy.

Yes YABU.

I wouldn't say it's a duty, but it does become a big issue if you sex drives move in opposite directions over time.

This.

I think if you both aren't bothered very much about sex then it's fine, it's where there is a mismatch in desire or expectation that creates the issue.

When you think about it, continued recreational sex has only really been possible without constant fear of pregnancy in the last 40-50 years or so. We are still very much programmed to go off it or for sex to be less of a priority as we get older. I'm really glad about that, personally, I don't want to be thinking about sex at 49 as much as I did at 19. I think there is external societal pressure on couples to carry on having sex for "a healthy relationship" when it's absolutely fine if both of them are not too fussed about it.

Duty

1. a moral or legal obligation; a responsibility.
2. a task or action that one is required to perform as part of one's job.

I don't want someone to fuck me because the feel obliged to do so or because they think it's their job. Just the word DUTY makes my insides seal shut and dry out.

Just the word DUTY makes my insides seal shut and dry out.

Yeah, me too.

Ughhhh this is so gross, reading it has made me feel icky. YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU to say that sex is a 'duty'.

Then finish reading what she said which was once she's into it has a great time.

It also makes me dry up the thought of having sex as a marital routine, because it's Sunday morning or Wednesday night or having to get in the mood when I'm tired because my husband feels like it.

It should be spontaneous and borne out of mutual feelings of desire and attraction and not done because the Daily Mail says you must have sex twice a week or else.

Me 3