AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

No one is owed sex. Absolutely no one. I did a search because I thought this might be an MRA sock but you actually say you have a daughter. I bloody hope you’ve not raised her to believe she has a duty to have sex with her husband in the future, how horrifying.

Part of a woman apparently not wanting sex could be lack of her partner's technique, vaginal dryness and the anxiety that causes, and so on. For a 'disinterested' man who is affectionate but avoids sex, it could be he is nervous of erectile dysfunction. A woman can, by open or covert use of lubricant, appear to be tumescent but a man can't fake an erection. If the libido fades it's very hard for either a woman or a man to simulate arousal; even if one feels one owes the partner sex, it's fairly obvious the thrill, or the ability to feel the thrill, has gone. It takes a measure of doing, to lie next to someone you love and to know that person doesn't desire you. It builds resentment, which isn't fair but is almost unavoidable. Do we have a duty to meet our partner's needs? On balance, I think so, if we want the relationship to be mutually fulfilling.

You do know the OP is a woman, right?

So your husband is quite happy seeing you as a walking sex object and have sex with you despite not you being enthusiastic about it, but it’s ok because he does normal household stuff like occasionally give you a lift or walk the dogs to ‘be kind’.

This thread is depressing.

I knew someone would take umbrage on my behalf. Please don’t — I’m very happy in my relationship. It might depress you but it doesn’t depress me, and given that it’s my relationship, that’s what counts.

You put it on an open forum and the fact you knew someone would see it for what it is crossed your mind. If you’ve convinced yourself that it’s ok then obviously carry on. Absolutely no comment like mine will change your mind. But it’s still a depressing read.

I did put it on an open forum, yes, knowing full well that there are always people who can only see black and white. Perhaps stop reading the thread if it’s depressing you so much?

For me, there's so much more than sex that makes my relationship more than a friendship.

Full commitment, 100% trust, mostly shared experiences. I don't come home to my friends each day, celebrating or moaning about my day. I don't snap at my friends, knowing they'll forgive me because it's PMS, a stressful day, tiredness. And most importantly, I don't have children and shared family with my friends, who depend on both of us for the family to continue together.

I get what you mean, that intimacy is important for you (and most couples), but relationships are so much more than that, especially as you age and after decades together.

I've been with my husband for 19 years and we've had our dry months and then other more active ones. We've had periods of depression between us that have stopped the sex and periods of content with regular sex. Ebbs and flows.

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse

You can’t say the above with one breath and then tell everyone it’s their duty with the next! You either believe in enthusiastic genuine consent, or you don’t.

I’m totally uninterested in sex for the most part and hate being touched or anything by the majority of the world. I never thought I would mind losing that aspect of my life. But I miss my husband’s touch. I miss sex with him, kisses, hugs, holding hands. We have lived like room mates for the last two years since he cheated and it isn’t because of me - I forgave him. He just doesn’t love me and it feels like dying every day. I’d probably be fine if we still had some physical contact and sex. But the loneliness is killing me. So yes, I think sec and s a duty of marriage to a point.

Talk about drama. No idea where you got any of that from her post!?

Chill…. My daughter is very well, happy and accomplished … Thank you for your concern! 🙄
i said you owe your partner with whom you exchanged vows, to love, and to cherish and not to make them feel neglected, unloved, and unwanted. To stare at your phone while your partner is craving affection and feeling unwanted and alone, year after year is even more horrifying! ( selfish & unkind… ). It’s called making love for a reason !
please don’t get mad and leave my daughter alone 😂

I had done, but the poster before you’s post caught my eye. It’s depressing in the sense that when some women face biological reasoning why they don’t want much/any sex they still feel they owe men their bodies as a duty. And convince themselves it’s for receptive love. It’s not, as Kathy Burke once said, ‘men would fuck a ham sandwich given half the chance’. They don’t associate sex with a loving connection, they truly believe they need and deserve it.

I’m sure many women do this. Because they don’t want to deal with the sulking, comments and bad mood of their partner is they say no too often. Sometimes they might find they get into the mood once they get going, maybe they just can’t wait for it to be over and fake an orgasm. I do think that in many relationships it becomes an issue if one partner wants it more and the other isn’t feeling like sex at all at that time of life due to young kids etc. I think in most healthy relationships regular sex is expected and if you don’t partake when you don’t fancy it you’ll get grief. I’m single and very happy single, so this isn’t me but I’d like lying if I said I’d never had duty sex. I had a lot of duty sex when I was with the father of my DC. I generally enjoyed it when it happened but I’d have been happier rolling over and getting more sleep.

You can do all of that and not be forced into having sex. You are completely conflicting love and sex. They are only one and the same when both people are in enthusiastic agreement.

No need to get personal, surely you can tolerate a different opinion and a lively debate! Thanks

So, yes, sometimes I have sex with him when I’m not particularly in the mood, because I love him. And sometimes he’ll pick me up from the station after a long day at work, or walk my dogs for me because I’m knackered. He doesn’t necessarily want to do those things either, but does it to be kind.

She will have sex with her husband just to placate his sex drive not because she wants to. And that poster’s equivalent for her was perfectly typical household occurrences, done ‘to be kind’ and not because that’s what normal adults do day to day.

Where did I get personal

This is completely different and abnormal though, not many couples stay together after infidelity, let alone if the cheater then withdraws emotionally and physically.

Why are you doing this to yourselves? Surely it would be better for both of you to have a chance of finding happiness again?

You didn’t have to, you chose to say it.

Good lord,I am sure op is not trying to force anyone into sex!! That’s not what I’m saying either!!! Op .. please correct me if I misunderstood ! This is not about forcing sex … just like when vowing to love and to cherish it’s not by FORCE … it’s about being considerate, kind, thoughtful , eager team player….. this really isn’t about ‘sexy’ per se I think… again … happy to be corrected op… without fury / horror or personal attacks though. 💓💓💓

So ‘you don’t have to but you’re a bad husband/wife if you don’t’. Gotcha.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner?

Absolutely fucking not.

End of story.

Yes, absolutely, it’s depressing when men feel entitled to sex and/or women feel it’s their duty to provide it. I think you’re rather tarring all men with the same brush, though, and I’m not sure that’s helpful when discussing specific cases.

I also think it’s patronising to assume you know the ‘real’ truth about my relationship (‘you knew someone would see it for what it is‘ … ‘you’ve convinced yourself that it’s ok’) and I’m just too stupid — or naive or whatever it might be — to see it myself. Ultimately, I’m pretty sure I know a bit more about my relationship and how it operates than you do.

But it was ever thus: MN is not the place for nuanced debate… (That’s not a dig at you; it’s a note to self…)

No it shouldn’t be a duty and you should never do it if you don’t feel it. I think there should be an open discussion about sex drives and whether you are both happy. Myself and my husband hardly ever have sex but it’s not really an issue between us it’s just a blip in our marriage in my eyes as I’m sure we will have sex more often when our son is older.