AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

Just thinking out loud… tbh if a man said his wife/ partner owes him sex , I would go berserk 😂
it’s just not what I thought the op meant…but yeah.:: I see why it’s infuriated some …no offence … good how debates make us examine & challenge our own thoughts …

maybe I’ll share my experience sometime …☮️

No.
Sex is not a duty.
🤢

Are you..... a man?

Cross-posted as I didn't read your other messages - I see you're not! Sorry but YABVVVVVU. Duty - ick. Kind of gross you'd want your partner to have sex because he felt he had to... that's a bit rapey. Doesn't matter if you're female or not.

Sorry that you have mismatched drives, that's an issue that needs to be addressed. But he does not in any way 'owe' it to you.

I can't help but wonder why you're asking the question

I was in your position for about 3 years.

i got to the end of my tether and said it was couples counselling or finishing things. Counselling worked. Bizarrely we didn't even talk about sex and I can't remember what we talked about over those months. But now we have an amazing relationship and sex life is normal.

My advice is that there is an underlying cause and you need to be prepared to walk away.

For me - and my DH - sex doesn’t and never has begun in the bedroom. Neither of us could just turn it on like that. He sends me flirty messages all the time, I send him biscuits to his work to dip in his tea, he kisses me like he means it when he gets home etc …sex is about more than a physical act imo, it’s an intrinsic, ongoing part of a happy marriage … not something bolted on out of duty.

No. It is never a ‘duty’. Why would you want to do it with someone who is not in the mood?

This thread has triggered me. I used to enjoy sex but then it did become a chore and now I realise it was peri menopausal symptoms. But I used to do it as DH had high sex drive. Now I experience pain . Seen go nothing wrong physically and an prescribed hrt. Still no joy. I feel so much for my DH as we are missing that intimacy. I tell gp this to deaf ears and she says give it time and I’m tensing myself. I feel less of a woman but I don’t know what to do I’m 50 for reference. Anyone Else had similar ?

Not a duty as such, but with kids, time of month then menopause , it can be easy for women to not feel like it, then stuck in a rut with no sex and constant excuses men am sure have their own reasons for not wanting sex, but as a couple it's important to make an effort for both of you, even if it's one day of the week
Lack of sex and moresoitimacy of any kind can be a cause of breakdown of so many relationships and I know many couples that basically just given up , and I do feel for the partner that is craving.

Yes agree with everything you have said.

Fucking hell. It’s not a “duty”. I thank God I married a reasonable man every time I venture into the internet.

there are lots of reasons someone doesn’t want to have sex. But a partner that referred to it as a duty would put me off

“But I used to do it as DH had high drive”. A key question here is: were you coerced?

I think the OP is being very unreasonable, but I agree with you. Relationships thrive on give and take and your account shows that and it works for you.

Where I take issue is sex being a duty!

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case.

OP, that's what "duty sex" is. It's the opposite of enthusiastic consent.

Undoubtedly. Our situation is complicated as we are abroad and working through green card process and have to be together. And after 25 years of giving up my entire life to move across the world for him away from family and friends I don’t know who I am anymore and can’t imagine wanting to bother starting over. I’m in therapy for it. He seems more than happy to just act like nothing is different except not being physical. I’m struggling with it.

My reading comprehension is fine, thanks.
I've read enough threads on here to know that if a woman doesn't want to have sex with her husband she would never be told she is neglectful and abusive by witholding sex.

Me and DP used to have a very active sex life, but since I hit perimenopause I don’t feel like it as much to be honest. I know he would like to more and sometimes I do do it when I’m not in the mood as I know we haven’t had sex that week. Someone can’t make themselves want it more than they do, so I think you have to be honest with yourself that he is just “going thorough the motions” sometimes. How old is he? Testosterone levels drop when men are in their 40’s, so that could be a reason.

Not true..we haven't had sex for years and are as close now as we were when young - we've been together for over 25 years..I think far too much emphasis is placed upon it by the media and that you are somehow abnormal if you're just not bothered about it.

I'm glad you have a therapist you can talk to, being lonely WITH a spouse is much harder than being lonely single.

I hope you can get the green card soon and start to move forwards. You need to get to the stage where you choose yourself. Like anything, I guess that's hitting rock bottom and realising change is necessary.

All the best, hang in there.

No it shouldn't be a duty. DH is hypersexual, he would do it three times a day if he could. For years I was somewhat asexual (now we wonder if it was the SSRIs I was prescribed) and I would try and make myself reciprocal maybe once a week but it put a pressure on as I had no libido. I'm still fairly ambivalent about sex - sometimes I'm horny, sometimes just not - but I don't think sex is enjoyable for anyone if both parties aren't feeling it. We find other ways to be intimate, and I have a lot of friends who are the same

This was me with dh1. We had lots in common but he had zero set drive. Never bothered with anyone after me. Dh2 is a different story.

It won't change. You either accept him as he is or leave.

YABVU.

Sex should never be seen as a duty or an obligation one partner owes another. No matter how you cut it or dress it up-once sex is seen as something "owed" to another person-it falls into the camp of coercion.

I don't know why anyone would want to have sex with someone they've essentially coerced/pressured into it. What is sexy about that?

Now, if your partner isn't meeting your needs/wants sexually, that is a discussion that needs to be had. You need to figure out if this is just where his sex drive is currently and if there are any underlying causes for it (i.e., depression, stress, etc) or if the amount of sex you're having is fine for him. It could very well be a case of a mismatched libidos, and that's another discussion entirely if you can continue in the relationship or if you need to leave to find a more fulfilling relationship sexually.

Either way, it all comes down to the fact that you can't label sex as a duty one partner owes another. It's not. I remember when I was younger and in my first serious relationship-I used to have "duty sex" all the time. The reason I did it was to get him off my case and stop him pawing at me. I remember one time giving in because I knew it was the only way to avoid an argument (as he'd already argued with me for nearly two hours for it and wasn't letting up) and lying there, and almost crying because I felt that low about myself. At the time, I thought all men were like this and it was normal.

My sex drive at the time was normal (we used to have sex two/three times a week and he wanted more) but when he started pressurising me, it took a spiral downwards and my attraction to him disappeared. He became the pest and it was no longer enjoyable as I could only view him as this pathetic weasel who couldn't handle being told no.

I suppose my point is that often times when we place sex into the camp of "duty" the person whose alleged "duty" it is to fulfil-will eventually lose all existing attraction to their partner. It's not a healthy basis for a relationship and it's much better to leave a relationship where your sexual needs aren't being met than to try and coerce your partner into meeting your needs if their natural inclinations aren't the same as yours.

I personally would sit down with him, tell him how I feel about the lack of intimacy and it’s effect on me and our relationship, I would ask that he does his fair/equal share of childcare and house chores, so i have enough time to look after myself, gym, go out and meet new people… I would tell him I’m there for him if he wants to discuss any problems with a professional or with me ( lack of libido,ED,self esteem, depression,marriage counselling..), I feel this could be a wake up call for him to understand the impact of this, and that it’s something that has to be addressed one way or another, and that while yes everyone is free not to have intimacy they don’t want, everyone is also free to seek intimacy they crave elsewhere.
( also..can me old fashioned , but I do feel this situation can be tricky and unfair on young moms especially, as they tend to become burdened much more with responsibilities overnight, plus hormonal , physical , emotional challenges unique to them as women, so I don’t feel it’s a perfectly equal situation when such mom is craving physical love from her partner, and a husband demanding his ‘right’ to sex.. )..