AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

We know that.

I think some men genuinely don't see that.

In the last long relationship that I had, my boyfriend told me that his friends were saying he was lucky, because now he had

"Sex on tap".

I said to my boyfriend "but what about what the other person (the woman) wants?

He didn't think of it like that.

I broke up with him later as I didn't like a couple of things that he said

I think it's important to make the effort. If that means mustering up some enthusiasm then so be it.

So many women on here complaining about their men having affairs and then mention at the end that they haven't had sex for years or very rarely. 🤷‍♀️

Sex isn't a duty or owed nor is a relationship. If peoples sex drives don't match then the relationship can end. It's unreasonable to expect someone to want sex with you if you aren't pulling your weight around the home/with children. It's unreasonable to expect a partner who wants sex to stay in a sexless relationship. It's unreasonable to cheat on the basis a partner isn't having sex with you.

I think you can definitely have a relationship without sex.

In fact, I know one older couple who are extremely happy. And they never have sex. And they have never once had sex.

I know because she told me.

She told him at the start that she wouldn't want sex, and he was okay with it.

They've been together for ten years, they go out on loads of dates and hold hands. They're a great couple

This is exactly it. You can have sex, you can have intimacy, you can have sex and intimacy, you can have sex without intimacy, you can have intimacy without sex.

to have a healthy relationship you might not need sex or you might need sex. You need intimacy - no matter what that means for your relationship.

so if you’re in a relationship where you’re regularly having sex without intimacy, you’re unlikely to have a healthy relationship.

I would say.

Maybe unpopular opinion but still the man’s fault.. if you’re unhappy in your sexless marriage then end it like a decent human. Not continue the marriage whilst shagging someone else

I know one thing's for sure. I'd never want a Duty Fuck from my partner.

The thing with sex is that it is an imbalance of power. And women are more at risk. Which is why more women don't wat sex.

Men have no risk when they have sex.

I'm sure we would all like sex if we knew that it was going to be kind, caring, pleasurable and that the man would treat us well.

And If we knew there was no risk of violence and that the man wouldn't push us into doing stuff that we don't want to do.

Men are physically stronger. They can physically push us into doing thing we don't want to do during sex.

That is what has put me off sex.

The fear of violence and coercion. As it has happened to me before.

Men have no risk. If they have sex, the woman can't physically force the man to do anything.

That is why some women don't want sex.

I never really understood loss of libido till I experienced it myself. It isn't that I couldn't be bothered, it's a genuine disgust at the thought. Despite loving my partner and finding him attractive, and our sex life having previously been good. The loss of desire blindsided me. I wanted to want sex and i just couldn't. Hrt and good communication improved the situation for us.

I don't know what the answer is in general though. As i said in another post, I think the modern social set up does us no favours. I'm sure libidos wax and wane throughout life. Should people leave otherwise happy relationships for a better sex life - and then again and again until one day they are so old that none of it matters? Leaving a trail of misery? I'm not sure non monogamous relationships, ethical or otherwise, are the cure either.

No. You don’t owe sex to a partner. Not ever.

However, if a person really doesn’t want sex (and the reasons above have been excluded) then they do need to assess whether the relationship is working as mutually rewarding sex should be a natural, welcome component of a functional relationship.

My libido tanked with perimenopause and medication side effects, but my ex wouldn't accept those excuses, he completely tuned out. He then had the nerve to complain that the sex he was getting was like having a wank in me. Yes, Sir, it is.

We are not together anymore and he is full of regret.

I think different types of relationships should be acceptable, so people don't feel so much pressure.

If you want to have sex, great.

If you don't want to have sex, great.

As I said , I know a couple in their sixties who are extremely happy. They don't live together. They have their own houses.
But they go out for dates every weekend.

They never have sex. She told me that . She also told me that they are extremely happy and have been together for ten years.

I think that the duties that we owe our partners include loyalty, honesty, caring, equal partnership in all aspects of life.

If partners are meeting these,it is more likely that sex will be on the table - not literally though as I've got a bad back

In my marriage, none of these were in place and I forced myself to have sex with my ex. Because if I didn't, he would make our home life hell.

I'll never allow myself to be in that situation again where someone thinks they are owed access to my body.

This. 1000 times over. It amazes me when people think they can quit one part of a committed relationship but expect the others!

OP some find this very dull but when DH and I were in a rut (we had marriage counselling which helped so much and was a wonderful way to discuss it without it falling in to argument) we now schedule date nights which are basically our sex nights. I personally don’t like sex just being initiated on the fly and prefer to know when it’s coming (pardon the pun).
We focus a lot on non-sexual intimacy too during the week, and will maybe play a board game or something quite active over watching a movie on date night to keep things quite playful.
This was maybe 2 years ago? And it’s really changed us.

Sex is never a given, definitely not a duty and not something that should ever happen when one person doesn’t want it. How incredibly unnatural and hand maiden-y of you to feel it is. I suggest getting intensive psychiatric help and support.

I don't think sex should be expected in a relationship

Consent is always the most important.

You often hear of women "giving in" to their partner to keep him quiet

I think seeing it as a duty to enthusiastically engage with your partner in matters of interests, sex, what needs doing can only promote good vibes. Unilaterally giving up on the physical aspects of a relationship, and not even enjoying some of the closeness it brings, even if it is less fireworky, is a slippery slope

I completely understand what you mean Op. Unfortunately though, on MN there seem to be a lot of women who never want sex, so you won't get very balanced answers. You want to be wanted. You want him to desire you. You would never force him to have sex, but you want to not even have to have those thoughts, because he's initiating often.

I have been exactly where you are. Longest we went without was 2 months. I was so frustrated. Lots of rejection. Lots of chats but nothing changed. Things turneda corner for us when he started taking Tadalafil daily. It cures ED, but unlike viagra, you just take it every day. Huge improvement. You can order on Numan website. I would try it, if you can persuade him to actually take it.

I think if one person’s needs aren’t being met then it’s a problem regardless what we are talking about. If both parties are happy to be sexless then there is no issue.

Perfectly put. It's about putting the effort in to keep the spark alive.

@Completelyjo I would never, ever let him know that I cba sometimes

He has no idea. I inwardly roll my eyes and get on with it

He is the kindest man on this planet, and as I said - after a minute or two I'm 100% and have a great time

I actually think it's more common than we think for people not to be that bothered about having sex. The media pushes it as being vitally important and like the "be all and end all" of a relationship but I suspect there are a significant number of people who just can't be arsed and who would quite happily never bother with it.

But if it's important to you then you're free to leave and find a partner who feels the same as you do.

You are right no one should be forced. But I expect intimacy and sex in my relationship as that’s what I need. It’s not fair to say if you need sex in a relationship that you need counselling.

I was in the same situation. Every time, a month after giving birth the whinging about sex started. All three times gave in before the 6 weeks mark just to get him to leave me alone. Any time my back pain from an injury flared up, he’d ‘kindly’ offer to rub my back, then instantly turn it sexual. Exactly the same as this poster, I was physically repulsed by him in the end.

There is no ‘duty’ for sex, like others say that’s just a nicer word for being made to. Unfortunately there is no easy answer, incompatible sex drives can be a relationship killer.