AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

@noodlecanoodle Sometimes I can't be arsed having sex with my husband but he's a kind, patient man so I do it

He can’t be that kind if he enjoys having sex with someone who doesn’t want to.

Like the attitudes espoused by these fuckers? Nah, fuck that shit x.com/NatSecSoc/status/1838138908091035848

No and usually when it is seen as a duty, it is because needs that heavily outweigh sex aren’t being met.

YABU. Someone fucking you when you don't actually want to have sex with them will give you PTSD. Marriage is just not about fucking, it's why the vows day "in sickness and in health".

Sex without consent is always rape. I know you didn't mean to insinuate this, but rape would be the end result, since there is no consent.

I would argue that if sex is a "duty" you can't refuse if you don't feel like having sex, even if you never feel like having sex, then there can't be consent. This makes it rape by definition.

If you are not on the same page as your partner regarding sex then you need to break up, not get pissed of they are never in the mood.

Saying "no" always flies.

Ah another mra/incel 'visitor'. Mumsnet seems to love them. Any engagement is good engagement evidently. Don't feed the saddos.

I think for loads of women sex is a duty. Definitely not in the early days but after a long time. Whilst I’m in a happy, committed marriage more often than not I think ‘I can’t be arsed’. I will then resort to I’m tired, etc etc for a few days or weeks, but yeah it gets to a point I think ‘I better had to keep him quiet / happy / shut him up’.

Lots of my friends feel like that. We’re not submissive housewives who feel we need to service a man’s sexual desires. We’re just knackered working Mums who think ‘oh god, do we have to?’ We all say we enjoy it when we do it, so perhaps we shouldn’t put it off as much as we do.

There are lots of people in sexless marriages who are presumably quite happy with it.

But yes, for me, sex is part of the contract, and it was one of the reasons my marriage ended, when I knew I never wanted to have sex with my husband again. I didn't think it was fair to stay married on those terms.

YABVVU that is creating a blurred line between consent and rape, also leads to abusive situations

Wouldn't you find it a bit degrading to have sex with someone who does not want to have it with you?

I think both parties of a monogamous relationship have a duty to take their shared sex life seriously, if they wish the relationship to stay monogamous and in existence. That cuts both ways. Frequency, mutual satisfaction, trust, emotional and physical safety, equal free time, initiation, nonsexual physical intimacy all matter and both parties should be prepared to invest in and care about them.

Duty sex is grim. That said, I am a big believer in giving the mood a chance to get into you.

Are you a man, OP?

I think of this sort of thing quite often. I wonder if the way we've arranged our society is unhelpful to many of us.

When humans were still living in nomadic tribes, I believe there wasn't the expectation of monogamy. People had sex, women had babies, and the village helped bring them up.

I'm quite sure it wasn't all a bed of roses then, either, of course. But as mammals, rather than the controlled beings we have become, we're biologically wired to procreate.

We know that we are flying in the face of nature as humans are the only mammals, to my knowledge, to continue having sex whilst pregnant. I wonder if, in those tribes, women would spend more time with other women ( based on what I've read that seems to be so)

Men would probably go off hunting, possibly with younger women, and even those who weren't new mothers. Women would look out for each other, and so young women hopefully would not have been so vulnerable to rape and assault. I'd like to think that the older men would mentor the young ones too. I'm sure there would be outliers - but weren't people who were considered a danger ostracised from these groups? I think this is why so many of us subconsciously feel the need to fit in - in old times it was dangerous to be isolated.

And this is why I question how we are now 'meant' to stay with one person, and continue to desire them for a lifetime despite all the other 'unnatural' pressures of modern life. Great if we maintain our youthful sexual desires. Not so great if they become mismatched with our life partner's. And that must be extremely common, based on levels of infidelity. Is a sexual relationship part of a marriage commitment? Nobody has the right to force sex on another, of course. But 'should' there be an expectation that one party will go along with it to keep another happy? I imagine a lot of people do.

I think it is a great big philosophical question.

Tl:dr I'm not entirely sure that humans were designed to be monogamous, or live such isolated lives. Nor do I know the answer to how we fix this in our modern world. But it is an interesting thing to think about.

YANBU. Of course posters will say sex shouldn't be a 'duty', but I don't think that's what you're really suggesting. I think you're saying that sex should be a willing part of a relationship. And you're right. Because without sex, it's just a friendship isn't it.

Thanks for responses. I knew as soon as I posted this as I am not great at expressing what I mean over messages that it would be taken the wrong way. As I said in my OP I would never make anyone do anything that they didn't want to do.

I am a woman and to be honest I'm feeling very neglected and unwanted. Our sex drives aligned at the start of our relationship as we were both very young. 14 years on he is never in the mood and I can count on one hand the times he has initiated to me in perhaps the last 7 years. I have made every effort to talk about it and suggested medication, therapy, you name it. I don't want to separate over this but I must admit it leaves me feeling sad. I don't want pity or duty sex really, despite how I worded my OP, I just don't understand what's changed and why he's supposedly so tired all the time/just never up for it. We have sex maybe 1 time every 2-3 weeks which might be enough for some but it isn't for me. Sometimes once a month. I ask if he wants to every 3 or 4 days.

We both get a good 8 hours sleep a night, he doesn't have a physical job, he's just happy to sit on his phone at night or in bed and I'm tired of it. I do the lions share of household work and carry the mental load. I also work full time and we have a toddler, who sleeps well and is a joy.

Sorry if I've offended or triggered bad memories for anyone, it wasn't my intention. I do still believe in a loving relationship sex is very important. I feel like a roommate/cleaner/chef at the moment, not a romantic partner.

To answer the question, I don't think you ever have a duty to have sex with anyone, even your spouse. But I do think that both partners have a duty to regularly check in with each other and make sure they're happy with the relationship. It is very reasonable to want to be in a relationship that features regular sex, and to end a relationship that doesn't meet this.

OP, I highly recommend both you and your partner read Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are. It completely changed the way I view sex and has honestly changed my life for the better.

I do still believe in a loving relationship sex is very important. I feel like a roommate/cleaner/chef at the moment, not a romantic partner.

This is the problem! He can't expect you to do all the bullshit jobs of running a household but not treat you the way a loving partner should treat you.

Health, age all come into this, if you delete sex, it does not necessarily mean you have no marriage. Marriage is about navigating life together, moving through hard times and joyous times, supporting each other. Making decisions together. Intimacy is more than just penetrative sex.
Never a duty, though.

Yup. You don't want 'duty sex', what you want is for your partner to want sex with you.

I 'got' your OP. Even if many others didn't.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum one night. Tell him you are seriously considering divorce. Then see what he says. He needs to see you are dead serious.

Because you are not going to get out of this rut until he realises this is make or break for your marriage, and you are serious. Only then, will anything change.

I think people underestimate just how important it is. Yes - I do think there should be an expectation to make an effort. Otherwise it’s a friendship. Of course there are exceptions but the vast majority of people are not asexual and it’s so unfair to the other partner to deny them a sex life. And yes - I do think it’s totally legitimate to leave a marriage where there is a dead bedroom.

(and a very very unpopular opinion but the amount of posts I see on MN when wife goes off sex and then shock horror man has affair - who could have predicted?! It’s totally predictable…sex it’s important!!)

No. No one ‘needs’ sex. If you’re that desperate have a wank. That goes for both sexes

Absolutely NOT.

I have a low libido in general and since I became a mum maybe even have lost it all. My husband is careful not to make me feel like I have to have sex with him but I feel at least once or twice week I initiate sex, as it is important to him. For me, I could not have sex again and I wouldn’t miss it.

I sometimes wonder if it’s due to my inexperience too, I have only been with husband intimately and sex never rocked my world.

Following your update, I think in this situation the only way out is communication. When you talk about why he doesn't want sex, what are his reasons? Is it because he always feels too tired? If so, ask him what would make him feel less tired and try to tackle these things. Cut hours at work (and cut spending accordingly)? Less alcohol? More exercise/fresh air? Sleep problems? If none of the above he needs to go to the GP and explain he's experiencing unexplained fatigue. If he won't tackle these problems, then THAT'S the actual problem. Does he care enough about your relationship to fix it?