AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

I'm assuming you're a bloke. Not unreasonable to think you have a duty to your partner. Reprehensible to think your partner has a duty to you. This does not just apply to sex.

I’m twice divorced. In both cases, I went totally off sex after about seven years. I just didn’t fancy my DH any more and would think up all the usual excuses as to why I couldn’t do it.

Obviously this was a major factor in the breakdown of each marriage, but it certainly wasn’t the only one. XH1 was alcoholic and XH2 was a violent bully.

So there is some muddled up cause and effect going on there too.

For you OP, if DH refuses to discuss, then you might have to consider splitting.

you do realise a synonym of duty is Obligation right?

Are you implying everyone is OBLIGED to have sex just because they're in a LTR??

Fuck no.

Sex should never ever be an obligation. That is a slippery slope to coercive sex and rape, which are illegal.

That being said, if you don't want sex with your life partner, and that is upsetting them, then address WHY you don't want sex with them, and if it isn't fixable, then leave, and give them chance to find someone who does want them.

I have to say I sort of agree. Hopefully it shouldn't feel like a duty, but yes, part of being in a relationship is having sex!!

Absolutely not a duty but I’d say I’d hope my partner would explore the reasons for a low sex drive if it’s causing issues.

I agree with you. Sometimes I am not in the mood, but I know my partner is. So I do it anyway because I want to make him happy and make him feel loved. And I always appreciate knowing he desires me. So I "want" to do it in that sense. I don't feel obligated or forced or anything. Often I also find the act of starting will get me in the mood after all.

I don't always want to do lots of things but I do them anyway because I love the person I'm doing it for.

It’s funny the more you have sex as a woman (me anyway), the more enthusiastic I am, but difficult when you’re exhausted. In the process of possibly breaking up and if pinned to it this is probably the number one reason, we went nearly a year without, partly sickness, partly work, partly the non stop ness of life. I regret it now but also so sad but angry too that dh saw ‘I’m so wrecked’ as rejection and finally came to the conclusion I didn’t love him and fell out of love with me and puts ALL of it on me (I was and am wrecked). I love him so much

If I picture my husband having unenthusiastic sex with me at a time when he's exhausted, or doesn't feel well or is upset or angry or respectful, or doesn't find me attractive but pushes himself to go through with it out of a sense of duty, my vagina clamps shut and dries out.

I cannot imagine anything less sexy than someone forcing themselves to get on with it until I'd had my orgasm and then being relieved it was all over. I can only see duty sex being appealing to someone who gets off on having an unwilling partner, and I wouldn't want to ever have a sexual relationship with someone like that.

I'd much rather have enthusiastic, fun, mutually enjoyable sex less frequently and see to myself the rest of the time than be in a relationship where sex was an unpleasant task to be ticked off the to-do list.

I'm sorry you're feeling unloved and missing intimacy @2weanornot2wean I wrote a big missive regarding my general thoughts about this topic upthread, but I am sorry that you are in this position.

Fwiw, I'm not feeling it particularly at the moment, but I love DH and he makes every effort to satisfy me when we have sex, so I sometimes get on with it without being particularly in the mood. I miss feeling lust and desire - that longing!

No I absolutely do not think there is any such thing as duty.
If my husband had been kind, loving and considerate and taken his share of daily household tasks I would have wanted to have sex with him.
As it was his behaviour made my vagina dry up.

i was the 'unwilling' partner in the ops situation, i was tired, ill, in pain and sex was absolutely the las thing on my mind, i did still want to cuddle/be intimate with him though, but my ex would just take any attempt to cuddle as a green light and then harass me constantly to the point of sexual assault until i would just let him have sex to give myself some peace for another few weeks.

That isn't sustainable,
It got to the point i didn't want him anywhere near me and he disgusted me. my sex drive disappeared.

How is ANYONE meant to find their own sex drive when its being dictated by someone else who just bullies/abuses you into it for their own gratification?

I have a reasonable expectation that sex will be a part of a romantic relationship. However no one should ever have sex they don't want to have.

duty is just a more accepted term than coerced sex/rape

Agree. If you're not getting enough sex for your liking, you should work on the reasons why or leave.

No I dont think sex as an act is a duty or should be an expectation. I think sex is simply an outcome of both parties feeling secure, loved, prioritised and deeply connected to eachother. At the beginning there is likely more as you connect and envisage a wonderful future together filled with possibilities. But a marriage and intimacy is not about sex, it’s about all of the other stuff that leads to it.

This is very simple. He is just not that into you (anymore).

He is not bothered with the lack of intimacy, but you are. You have two choices: Break up or accept it.

Given that he clearly doesn't find you attractive, why would you still want to have sex with him?

Or divorce and move on with someone who wants to fuck you?

I am a woman and would not tolerate sexless relationship unless it is short term hurdle like illness etc.

No it's not a duty and.no.one should feel coherced into it. If they don't want to.

This is rape, plain and simple.

And I don't blame you for not wanting to have sex with him again. Once a man rapes you, it's next to impossible to find him attractive.

If the reason you are doing it is because you "owe" it then the relationship is dead and you should split up unless you are both happy to keep the relationship going on a sex-free basis.

Anyone who doesn't basically have a rapist mentality (though potentially in denial about that) would feel physically sick at the thought of having sex with someone who was only doing it out of some kind of sense of obligation.

Enthusiastic positive desire is the minimum. Resigned consent is utterly inadequate.

I hear you 💐

i know, reason #234 he's my ex :/
also why i'm very much anti 'obligation sex'

if you're unwilling but 'give in', it isn't consensual, its coercion.

I'm so sorry. It's just awful.

You want your partner to want you again and for the intimacy to return. That’s fine to need that! It’s rubbish to feel like you’re rejected by the person you love the most. As relationship go on the intimacy side can become stale and it can take you both putting in the effort to keep it going.

My relationship was exactly the same and I spoke to my dh about it. Explained how it was making me feel and then listened to what he had to say. It was a really hard chat but we both want to fight for our marriage so we are doing more. We’ve taken time to go on dates and have fun together again and it’s definitely helped with the intimacy side.

I think there is way too much emphasis on PIV. If you are getting on in your relationship and aren’t feeling tired, it can be a pleasure to get your partner off without feeling particularly horny yourself and without PIV.

There is also a difference between both partners feeling like sex simultaneously - like when you are at the beginning of a relationship, and setting time aside to be intimate. Often, that is enough to become aroused. And if not, it’s vitally important not to have expectations and to happily accept a no.