AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

I don't think anyone should be 'obligated' to have sex with their partner in a long-term relationship. However they should not expect the relationship to continue long-term either. Sex, or physical intimacy, is a critical part of a relationship and it isn't fair for one partner to 'unilaterally' decide they no longer want it yet still expect commitment.

My partner stopped wanting sex about 18 months ago and we're about to break up over it. Also doesn't want any other types of intimacy however, hasn't really touched me in months.

I think it's a situation that has no real answer. It's wrong to expect someone to have sex if they don't want it but it's also wrong to have the power to end your partner's sex life and expect them to happily stay faithful to you. Everyone deserves a satisfying life, but not to the detriment of an unwilling partner. I do think there should be little bits of give and take within a relationship and that extends to aspects other than sexual.

Blimey MN is odd today - sex as an obligation, don’t have sex except if you want kids on another thread

like an incel invasion

Ok I think in a weird way I know what OP is saying. I think duty is the wrong word personally… but I would be pretty frustrated if my DH stopped wanting sex (unless he was going through one of the examples you mentioned)

Intimacy is important to me and DH. It’s not unreasonable to want that x

My husband doesn't really have a sex drive. Mine is not that strong either. We haven't DTD for 20 years. But I guess we are intimate enough and close enough in other ways now we are older, it doesn't matter. I guess it might matter to some.

My previous partners did expect sex in passive aggressive ways and it’s not long before that’s a turn off so probably why I still actively want to have sex with my DP and enjoy it as he always treats sex like a nice to have, not an expectation

At times I have felt tired and been in 2 minds whether to continue with what has started, which is not the same as doing it through duty. I know I always have a choice and there are no consequences. my DP would be horrified if I went through with it to make him happy if I didn’t want to, so I know I can say at any point I don’t want to and he will be fine about it.

I get what OP is saying and I would feel the same, you don’t want someone doing it through duty you want them to want to have sex with you. Not unreasonable to want your partner to desire you at all and if they are making no effort you will feel rejected and unhappy

That's what it is for me too. The last time I tried to initiate sex, I stopped, I mean, she'd have done it but I felt like a sexual offender. I hadn't done anything other than put nice underwear on and started kissing and making it clear I was in the mood. I got off her and said 'It's okay'. I want her to want it, not just do it because I want it. And she doesn't.

OP has updated, it's worth reading all her posts

Duty - no
Reasonable expectation - yes
Communication - lots of

It's unfair to choose a sexless marriage alone.

How do you know it's a 'she' who doesn't want sex?
Plenty of men have little or no sex drive, it's not just women.

That’s how I feel too. My DP has a lower sex drive than me and worries that I’ll look elsewhere (I won’t) so he will make the effort even if he’s tired and wouldn’t otherwise be in the mood because he knows I’d like it more than him.

Of course he enjoys it, and is always the one who instigates, even though with a different partner I don’t think he would so often.

He has asked what happens if he doesn’t want it in future, will I leave etc and I’ve said that as long as we still have cuddles and kissing it doesn’t need to be sex. But without any physical intimacy you’re just friends or flatmates, at which case the terms of the monogamous relationship we signed up for may have to change. I’m too young to never have sex again (he’s even younger but has health anxiety and worries he won’t be up for it when he’s older). I’m lucky HRT has revived my libido to pre DC levels, but I know that may not last.

With my previous partner we had an expectation that we’d have sex every time we spent the night together. If either of us didn’t feel like it then of course we didn’t do it, but there was no ‘wooing’ required, we just went to bed and got naked and got into the swing of it!

Enthusiastic positive desire is exactly what I expect in a relationship. It's really not unreasonable to expect that at some point your partner will actively want to have sex with you. Not all the time and not on demand, of course, but it's integral to a romantic relationship.

Beyond that, the frequency and the type of sex comes down to compatibility, and shifting libidos need to be navigated with proper communication (rather than shrugs or unexplained rejection).

No one should ever feel obligated to have sex with anyone ever. Married or not. I would be horrified if my husband had sex with me out of duty and I know he’d feel the same.

An expectation that you’d have sex in a relationship, totally fine. But never a duty.

It's not a duty or an obligation - I think that's the wrong way of putting it, nobody should do the deed because they feel like they owe it to their partner.

If you've had that level of intimacy and it's changed suddenly, being frustrated is understandable. I don't think I'd be happy in a relationship that wasn't intimate, and it might be a dealbreaker. The only way of getting to the bottom of it is by talking.

Not a duty no, but I think that the relationship is pretty much over if one partner stops wanting sex entirely. That's really just a friendship. You either compromise or you let your partner go.

Not a duty, but I do feel it is isn't unreasonable for it to be a regular part of a relationship, if both parties want that.

I think a lot of men get into relationships thinking that if they get into a relationship, this means that the woman has consented to sex forever.

You hear horrible phrases like "he has it on tap".

They think that just because the woman is his wife, that he is now entitled to have sex with her.

What men actually need to learn is that they need consent EVERY time.

It's an interesting book. Explains a lot about different types of sex drive, brakes and acceleration factors.

That doesn't meet the need for intimacy and affection though.

I do believe there is a duty to be a good partner. To show them love and to make them feel appreciated, loved, cared for. To ensure you aim to uplift them and not to tear them down. That, in turn, is what leads to good intimacy.

The duty isn't sex. The duty is what comes before it.

Bloody hell. Duty sex? No thank you, what a huge turn off.

Going to go against the grain here OP but yes I agree with you to some extent . I don’t have high sex drive at all, would be happy maybe once a month whereas DH would prefer every day! Relationships are give and take - I try to have sex more often than I would naturally like (albeit there’s no pressure on me to from DH) to keep DH happy. He in return does other things to keep me happy! Arrangement seems to be working ok so far as 15 years together plus 2 kids 😊

What men actually need to learn is that they need consent EVERY time.

Obviously, otherwise it's rape.

I've read it too. It's very good!