SAHMS ON MN

[UBIA]

This is supposedly a site for mums - all types of mums.

On such a website, why is there so much hate and vitriol against mums who choose to SAH for a while?

The usual excuse for the storm of reactions is about financial vulnerability. Ok, I get that. But what if they're not financially vulnerable? How would you know? Bring a SAHM might have made you financially vulnerable - but you can't extrapolate that onto everyone else.

Why do people give anecdotes about some friend or their mother who was bored / insane / husband had an affair etc? Why? This is like saying "My friend had a job but she got depressed." So what? Also, if men are going to cheat, that's what they'll do anyway. Anyone can cheat in any type of marriage.

Why do people assume SAHMs are there for housework purposes? That depends on where / how they live and if they have cleaners, just like anyone else.

Why di people tell SAHMs their marriages are not 'equal?' Equality is about mutual respect. It has nothing to do with what job you do or money.

Frequently, people will say things like," Well, after my divorce the fact I was working meant I wasn't screwed." Ok, this is good obviously, but also, that's just you. How do you know the financial circumstances of anyone else - working or not? And why do you assume people haven't factored this sort of thing in?

Dime SAHMs will be screwed after divorce, sure. But others will not be. It depends on so many factors. Just like it does for anyone who works - it's all relative and completely circumstantial.

It is very odd that in a site for mums, the only mums that seem acceptable are the ones who don't SAH! MN is not like real life at all in this respect, it's very extreme (as I read it) because I don't know anyone in real life who makes assumptions about SAHMs or who would even care about this for 3 seconds. AIBU to think MN should be more open-minded and just live and let live without all the crazy assumptions.

Mums net hates SAHDs more. Apparently they are all lazy users 😒

People are always a bit scornful of anyone who brings their child up differently than they did. As if it's a criticism of their parenting. It's silly.

….don’t know what posts you have been reading, but I see quite the opposite.

I’ve seen them called cocklodgers 🤣

Eh, it absolutely goes both ways. I’ve been called all sorts for working full time with young children, my ‘favourite’ was someone calling me sick for using nursery for my DS when he was a baby.

It's just bizarre.
I don't understand why anyone actually cares what others choose to do with their lives (as long as it's legal......).

I see quite the opposite in posts like "I wouldn't send my child to nursery to be looked after by someone else" etc, etc. I think many SAHP can be just as judgemental.

@StEthelburgaRose - this is what I mean. If you live on any street anywhere, you must surely see all types of people in all types of marriages, working, not working, just living their lives. You would never assume to tell a neighbour how to live or what her marriage was like. How would you know? So why tell strangers in the internet?

SAHM - lazy sponger
FT working mum - 'How could she leave her children all day?'
PT working mum - should get FT job instead of claiming UC

Whatever a mother does, she will be criticised!

You do realise that this is a public forum, where a diverse group of people will comment based on a mixed of personal experience, research, personal norms etc.

This isn’t a flag waving “we all support each other life choices regardless”. The fact you are on AIBU means you are actively looking for alternate views. It’s not called “all agree with me I’m right”

"Eh, it absolutely goes both ways"

I'm sure that's so, but again, so what really? Somebody could say make an unfounded or unpleasant judgement about my life or our marriage set up. But I still wouldn't be interested in theirs, or have anything to say. Other people's marriages or lifestyles don't impact me in any way.

I haven't seen anyone berating SAHMs but women do share their experiences of being screwed over and left with nothing because of financial insecurity. Women are sharing these things not to demean being a SAHM but to inform and warn those that are wanting to or doing it that they need to think about these things.

I never envisaged my ex would not want to financially contribute towards his children when I had them but here we are! Women need to make informed choices and that means hearing the negative sides of being a SAHM too. It's all rosy when you first decide to do it and if it works for your family that's brilliant but a lot of women have been left destitute for these choices.

If you are truly happy why does it bother you so?

Back to being a sahm and I wouldn’t say it’s all vitriolic, I’d say a lot comes from a place of concern. In the process of possibly breaking up at the mo and I only get it now. I got both in real life ‘well for some’ when sah, ‘ god do your kids not mind’ when I worked out of the home. I’ll tell you though I miss the gratitude of working out of the house - sahm do not get told enough they’re doing well!!! Don’t worry about what other people think but I would now always tell people to do courses or something so they can fall into a job if needs be x

It's far more than 'sharing anecdotes' though. Unless a woman is asking for help regarding finances, why give it unsolicited? Why assume you know her financial outlook better than her?

It's misogyny 101. Women, no matter what they do, can't win.

Because everyone judges everyone else's choices. The SAHM is a lazy cow who will be screwed when her husband inevitably leaves her for someone he works with. I as FT working mum should never have had children if I'm going to hand them over to strangers to raise because I'm so money and career obsessed that I don't care if my kids don't recognise me.

'It's misogyny 101. Women, no matter what they do, can't win.'

Yes I think you're right. Internalised misogyny.

I see mostly women being criticized by mostly women for making choices whatever they are, we should be challenging this rather than joining in!

There was a thread similar to this the other day, where the mum came on to air how desperately sad she was that working mums have to work. That she far preferred organising a seasonal wardrobe for her DC, ironing her DH's clothes while he's working or doing his hobbies, and sipping coffee at 11am.

The general consensus was that she wasn't a SAHM. Her children, with no additional needs, were in school. Therefore she was a housewife and leaving herself in a financially precarious position for no real reason. The attitude of "masculine man provides" was torn to shreds, too - rightfully so.

On the other hand, there was plenty of support for SAHMs. No one had anything bad to say about that. It's a hard job, and most women don't choose to do it. Circumstances often lead to it, but very few women are waiting to pop out a baby and then stay at home for several years.

All in all, it's generally none of anyone's business. But if people come onto a public forum and discuss these things, they're going to get a wide range of opinions. And it seems generally sensible not to financially tie yourself to relying completely on a man, no matter how wonderful he seems. Taking aside infidelity, there's poor health or death to consider. Throwing all your eggs in someone else's basket isn't very sensible to lots of women; many who have been there and done it, or seen it happen to close friends and relatives.

It's probably because of all the threads about awful partners to be fair.

I was a SAHM for nearly 14 years (looking after an elderly relative for the last 2 years of that) - and treasured every moment of it but I did absolutely ruin my career path because of it. I had a good job in the civil service in a very unique role that I loved before kids - and was on more money than DH. Only he then got to progress a business, pay well into a private pension whilst I carried 100% of the family load. And if I'm honest, I'm resentful because he's sitting on a huge pension where I'll have a state one and what I've paid in over the last 6 years.

I just think women get screwed over whatever path you take having children.....

i don’t care if a woman stays at home or works full time or part time. I guess I don’t like the inevitable “well I stay at home because my husband earns 5 times what I do”- why can’t you just say “I stay at home because I want to and I can”

"If you are truly happy why does it bother you so?"

Because it's very strange and doesn't reflect real life. Nobody in real life talks or thinks about SAHMs. It's not a 'thing.' Just like nobody walks around thinking about anyone else's job. People are to busy in their own lives to care.

I had to comment a couple of days ago when a poster told a SAHM that she should be embarrassed that she's not supporting herself financially.

Because of course taking care of the kids and all of the house admin etc is valueless, as is her happiness and life style choices.

There does seem to be a level of vitriol out there reserved for those of us who have stepped out of the paid workforce, for whatever reasons. I feel like I am more than covering my share of our joint load, as does my husband. Do I miss being a lawyer and working 60 hour weeks? Frankly, no I bloody don't!! Some do though, and they should go back to work if they choose.

People should just live as they choose as long as they're not hurting anyone and the members of their household are all on board with their own role.

Maybe that is why people are curious? It isn't very common anymore.