SAHMS ON MN

[UBIA]

This is supposedly a site for mums - all types of mums.

On such a website, why is there so much hate and vitriol against mums who choose to SAH for a while?

The usual excuse for the storm of reactions is about financial vulnerability. Ok, I get that. But what if they're not financially vulnerable? How would you know? Bring a SAHM might have made you financially vulnerable - but you can't extrapolate that onto everyone else.

Why do people give anecdotes about some friend or their mother who was bored / insane / husband had an affair etc? Why? This is like saying "My friend had a job but she got depressed." So what? Also, if men are going to cheat, that's what they'll do anyway. Anyone can cheat in any type of marriage.

Why do people assume SAHMs are there for housework purposes? That depends on where / how they live and if they have cleaners, just like anyone else.

Why di people tell SAHMs their marriages are not 'equal?' Equality is about mutual respect. It has nothing to do with what job you do or money.

Frequently, people will say things like," Well, after my divorce the fact I was working meant I wasn't screwed." Ok, this is good obviously, but also, that's just you. How do you know the financial circumstances of anyone else - working or not? And why do you assume people haven't factored this sort of thing in?

Dime SAHMs will be screwed after divorce, sure. But others will not be. It depends on so many factors. Just like it does for anyone who works - it's all relative and completely circumstantial.

It is very odd that in a site for mums, the only mums that seem acceptable are the ones who don't SAH! MN is not like real life at all in this respect, it's very extreme (as I read it) because I don't know anyone in real life who makes assumptions about SAHMs or who would even care about this for 3 seconds. AIBU to think MN should be more open-minded and just live and let live without all the crazy assumptions.

Because it's a chat forum and this subject is one of 1000s the posters here chat about.

That's quite some rant you had there in your opening post.

I can't imagine you ranting at your neighbours or the mums at the school gate in exactly the same way 🤷‍♂️

It’s envy, nothing more complicated than that. Resentment that others get to stay home while they have to work.

I also think the threads about hideous husbands are hardly exclusive to SAHMs. Loads of women have them! Loads are screwed after divorce because they don't earn much or they have debts or the ex avoids paying maintenance. So many scenarios. Generally, people don't post on here to say their husbands are great, so it's skewed overall. But in real life contexts, surely people see s more balanced reality?

Love my job and never considered giving it up but couldn't care less what other mums do

It really, really isn't. I worked hard to get where I am in my career, and I absolutely love it. Not a cat's chance in hell would I have given it up.

I think the issue is most women don't get a choice about what they want, just what works best financially. I would have liked to have worked fewer hours instead of FT, but some people have to give up work because financially it is alot of stress just to pay a nursery, or it isn't viable at all. Whilst we are arguing with each other, we are missing the point that most of us don't get to choose how we would like to parent anymore.

@Motheranddaughter -exactly.

Probably because of the amount of threads from women going through breakups with awful partners, or who are in financially rubbish situations after being SAHMs, especially when not married. It is a financial risk that's undeniable. And I'd never want to put my husband under that amount of pressure, of being the sole earner.

not all sahm’s get the same reaction. The ones who get concern are the ones who need it. They become sahm because the family can’t afford for them to work. Child care costs more than they earn. They become sahm before they finish education or have any type of career. When they go to work they will be looking at no skill minimum wage jobs. These women and their children are extremely vulnerable. It needs to be talked about.

when I became a sahm, no one batted an eye. I had a degree and plenty of job history. I was able to consult very part-time to keep up my contacts and bring in a bit of cash. When I went back to work, it was in a higher position and a higher salary. Most of the sahm I know irl are similar. They are perfectly poised to briefly step out of the workforce and then step right back in. No one talks about those women because they aren’t vulnerable and they aren’t particularly at risk.

Maybe it's because so many women post on here about their common law marriage or call their partner their husband because they don't need a bit of paper to show their commitment. There is so much ignorance out there that makes a lot of women vulnerable. If posters can help other women by pointing out common law marriage etc is bullshit, then why shouldn't they?

I'm not a fan of the "man with a big job / SAHM" model. I think it's bad for equality not just for that couple, but for the rest of society

For as long as (usually) male bosses have a SAHM dealing with home life, they will continue to judge parents / employees who have to leave in time to collect children from nursery, can't attend meetings at 6pm, take time off when kids are sick etc

When men start pulling their weight at home, that's when we'll have greater equality

Sometimes yes perhaps. But not always. I love my job and I'm good at it. I'd hate to give it up

Ponderingwindow

I totally agree, but on MN, most people don't think like that. As soon as they see 'SAHM' that's it - off with the unsolicited financial advice, doom and gloom.

Truest statement on here unfortunately

I’m a SAHM and haven’t noticed any kind of division

It’s AIBU. People are almost always asking for opinions, so you can’t be surprised if people then share their opinions.

I agree it’s up there with bf/ff, cosleeping, sleep training and deferred school entry for summer borns.

Ok so you’re saying you attack sahm’s for other reasons then?

I don't think MN as a general rule is anti SAHM. But you will get comments about making sure you're not being financially penalised by doing so - often by other women who have experienced some of the downsides of being SAHP's.

No one is asking you to. The question was why do people on MN attack sahm’s? Are you saying you attack them for reasons other than envy?

NeedToChangeName · Today 16:05

I'm not a fan of the "man with a big job / SAHM" model. I think it's bad for equality not just for that couple, but for the rest of society

Ok, but if people didn't want to live like that, they would do something about it. They are just different to you, that's all. Society should never be prescriptive or 'one size fits all.' Think god it's not and we can choose our partners and how we prefer to live.

I find most of the time SAHM types are those that never quite fitted into society, and motherhood gives them a good exit out where they can sit at home and not have to interact with the wider world. The 'my little family' types of you know what I mean.

I'm not a sahm, I work part time in a low paid job but I sometimes think I'd be screwed either way to be honest. If I worked full time and he left I'd still have no where near enough income to cover the mortgage, bills and childcare. I couldn't even afford a one bed flat around here on my salary alone. I don't think it would necessarily be easier either way, working or not.

Where did @GiddyRobin say she attacked them at all? 😳

Many people attack others for their choices over a whole host of thing, but I think that post was just pointing out it's not always jealousy.

I think that's a bit of a lazy assumption, though probably true some of the time.

What about the judgemental SAHM’s? Are they envious too? Or do you think all mothers wish they could be SAHM’s?