AIBU to not want to call my daughter’s genitals her vagina?

[BabyEl]

I know, I know, I know….we live in a enlightened age. I know it’s all the rage but vagina just doesn’t sit well with me.

my daughter has started to ask ‘what’s this’ pointing at her ‘bits’ and we need an answer soon!

i know all the arguments, I know “that’s what it’s called!” And “you call an arm an arm” etc but 1) that’s not what it’s called (technically that’s just the inner passage) and 2) when do people really use the word vagina?

do you say “my vagina is a bit sore today” or “oh yeah hubby, my vagina feels so good”

also vulva? No one says that anywhere.

do let’s put those arguments to bed.

secondly, “if you don’t use the real names and god forbid a crime occurs, the case could collapse due to incorrect name use”

I’ve seen this one a lot but I’m sceptical. Is our CPS so dull and dim witted that they will reject a child testimony because she failed to use medical grade terminology? I mean, maybe…? Is there any evidence of this happening?

anyway, I’d don’t like it. I don’t like front bottom, fanny or fufu either. I’m looking for something but not those and not the V word…

am I being unreasonable?

What drippy waffle (no, dont call it that) ... "vagina doesnt sit right with me?!"

@ISpyNoPlumPie

the correct medical/ anatomical words.

I teach older children but this is so scary, I actually wouldn't understand most of these. I think only the last three and 'front botty'. Really brings it home the importance of using clear language.

What possible adverse consequence is there to calling a thing by its correct name?

I wouldn’t shy away from using vulva and vagina but they’re very specific to me when it’s not always clear what part. For example if my child falls off their bike and hurts themself I don’t rush straight out with those words but use the more generic term ‘crotch’ first…. Because they could have hurt their too if thigh / bum cheeks / vulva / etc. I think this is more appropriate especially when I’m talking to a child I perhaps don’t know as well as my own or sometimes don’t know what body parts they have under their clothes.

How can you know the vagina is the inner part, yet fail to know the correct term for your daughter's general area is vulva lol

So close and yet so far!

Yeah because I've nothing better to do with my time.

Get a grip

We say vulva too. Growing up, my mum called it a "dewey" which is one I've never seen used elsewhere.

I think using weird nicknames is bloody immature.

That’s hilarious. I’m a health professional and worked for years on orthopaedics and elbows and knees are not slang words. Christ!

Front bottom is awful. I use fanny, my nieces say foo-foo, when I was little my grandma called it a tuppence.

My son has been calling his willy his "manhood" since age 6. I have no idea where he got this from, but it's been the cause of much hilarity for years.

Just call it what it actually is and be done with it! All these stupid euphemisms, confusing and completely unnecessary.

do you say “my vagina is a bit sore today” or “oh yeah hubby, my vagina feels so good”

I would say both of these things.

Yes and you also need to remember that a young child might not know that their genitals being touched is inappropriate. It might just be picked up in a random conversation.

Young girl: "Teacher, Danny touched my cookie today."

Teacher: "next time ask him to wash his hands first".

Young girl: "ok".

Havind said that apart from vulva and vagina and penis we also use crotch and privates sometimes for the general are
. I like privates because we have gone through the whole nspcc pants thing and remind the kids every once in a while that "privates are private".

For me this is the perfect post. Shows the scale by which we are making it harder as parents to identify when children have been abused. Why are people so bothered about the word vulva?

"have you hurt yourself? Can you tell me where?"

This is very true. I actually think it's worse when people use words like "cookie" or "betsy" or "peach" or "fairy" than made-up words like "nunny" or "foof", though I dislike any coy twee euphemisms. At least if a child discloses eg "Johnny keeps touching my nunny", an attentive caregiver would probably work out what the child means even if they're unfamiliar with that particular term, because it doesn't mean anything else either. Words that commonly have another, innocent, meaning are more problematic as the potential for misunderstanding is so much greater.

Also hearing anyone call female genitalia by any food name gives me a massive ick.

Thanks to everyone for your replies, you gave me a good chuckle. It seems most of you think I am being unreasonable, fair enough.

A few comments, though:

I was struck by the zeal of the “correct terms/proper names” crowd, who didn’t just tell me what they opted for, but often liked to include chastisements such as“for gods sake!” Or “ stop being ridiculous!”

To them I say “correct terms is subjective”. Half of you think vagina is correct, half of you think Vulva is correct so it can’t be that clear.

I also wonder how many of you use correct terms (or more accurately, medical terms) for other parts of the body. is it tummy or stomach? is it testicles or balls? Do you say bum or buttocks.

Correct terms’ is also very context specific.
Do your children go for a wee wee and a poo poo? Or do they urinate and defecate? Or do they shit and piss? Or do they see and poo? None of these words are ‘wrong’ per se, they’re only wrong in context.

Loads of people kept mentioning “shame” and that I shouldn’t be ashamed or make my daughter feel ashamed. I’m not ashamed nor did I mention any shame in the original post. I was just looking for a female equivalent of Willy, which doesn’t seem to exist. No shame in using the anatomical terms, just weirdness since I’ve never heard an actual person use ‘vulva’, ever irl.

Finally to the CPS safeguarding crowd I say, I’m increasingly convinced this idea of slang terms leading to failed convictions is an urban legend. No one has produced any evidence that this has ever happened despite it being so incredibly common it gets featured on true crime!

Worse still many then tried to shut down questioning with shame by claiming it was ‘weird’ that I even dared ask for evidence. Alright, I see, I guess I just need to accept what you say, right?

You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves. I’m reminded of the TRAs who say “why are you so interested in Childrens genitals?” If you question transitioning children.

(On a side note - these people always seem to use “cookie” as an example and yet no parent on this thread has said they use that word. Would fanny, foof or front bottom REALLY lead to CPS failure?)

Anyway, I think we may opt for Vulva. It’s a weird choice, but my feeling is that with all the middle-class zeal displayed on this thread, perhaps there’s a real chance it will develop into a term of common use.

Agreed. A caregiver might suss it out because there is likely to be no other part of that child's body that they call a made up word like a nunny or foof. We're so ensconced in cultural shame around genitalia. However I would imagine there are cases where the word used (cookie for example) leads to a misunderstanding and abuse isn't picked up on. Or language barriers get in the way, regional dialects, etc.

It's simply dangerous to raise your children not to know the correct terms for their anatomy.

Tummy is a universally known term for stomach. I don’t quite understand why that (and elbow wtf?) are being used as examples. No other part of the body has such a diverse and frankly weird set of euphemisms. I, for example, have never heard the word ‘foof’ used. Or Betsy or China or Peach or 95% of the other euphemisms on this thread, which clearly illustrates that’s there’s a definite need for the correct terminology, if only to avoid confusion. I think it’s great OP is going to use Vulva going forward, which means that in some small way this thread has had a positive result.

Why on earth would someone call it their peach or foof really odd. What's wrong with biology, it is what is it. So may seem embarrassed about normal body parts. That's odd.

(On a side note - these people always seem to use “cookie” as an example and yet no parent on this thread has said they use that word. Would fanny, foof or front bottom REALLY lead to CPS failure?)

@BabyEl I'm not sure if any poster has said they use "cookie" but "pie" and "peach" have definitely been mentioned - if not as being used by the poster in question, then being used by their mothers when they were children.

And also, several posters have clarified that the problem isn't so much a risk of failing to secure a conviction as it is the risk of a disclosure not being recognised by distracted caregivers. Posters working in this field have shared accounts of this happening, plus there's the case in Sweden which has been mentioned. I'm not sure why you think people are lying about this?

Not really. All good things have nicknames.
My husband
My chickens
My dog
My children
My house
My best friends
... All have their proper name and multiple nicknames depending on what they've done, what mood I'm in, how formal the convo is (see what I did there) etc etc... Why should your genitals/privates/lady garden/etc etc escape the treatment... It's a sign of respect and affection.

Why should it be so important and so sacred and so aloof that it can only be referred to with correct anatomical terms!?

My children have been raised to be friends with their body, all of it, to be at ease and familiar with it and for talking about it to be able to be done appropriately in any situation from the formal (doctors) to the informal (football crashed into your balls?) which will ultimately mean whether they are seeking medical attention or having good fun with a lover their privates can be in the conversation without the weirdness of arbitrary rules around how they might choose to refer to them in that moment.

Rock on 'choice of vocab and good relationships (communication) with all people of all roles in your life'.
That's what I say. 💪

Calling your vulva or vagina your peach or foof is a sign of respect for it.....😂😂

I call it a gina. I leave out the va part.

Finally to the CPS safeguarding crowd I say, I’m increasingly convinced this idea of slang terms leading to failed convictions is an urban legend. No one has produced any evidence that this has ever happened despite it being so incredibly common it gets featured on true crime!

please don’t blithely tell people to disregard all the advice from safeguarding experts. As has been explained time and time again it’s not necessarily to do with prosecution but with disclosure. Telling other parents official advice is due to an urban legend isn’t helpful.

we’ve not had cookie on this thread as that’s quite an American term but we have had pie, peach etc which is the same.