DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

We have 3 small children under 5. Both work full time . The last few months DH seems to be really resentful of being asked to do anything and has started to ignore me when I call his name. ‘DH , please can you get the potty ( because I’m feeding the children )’

He has always listed the things he does
I’ve hovered up again .
I’ve washed up 3 times today already !
I picked the children up from Nursery and played within them for an hour until you got home.

He is their father ! I would say I do three times as much as DH but wouldn’t even think about listing that I’ve changed 10 nappies , made dinner , dressed the children, swept up , gone shopping , been up since 6am.

Lately when I call him to help he has admitted he ignores me . This has been noticeable and has really hurt me .

I feel DH is creating a narrative that I’m always asking / moaning and it’s so hard on him as he is exhausted.

I don’t want this narrative of me being a nag and him listing off his jobs. I’m fed up. I do alot and DH gets off lightly at times . We both work FT.

When I tried to discuss this easier he said I am being sensitive !

Advice please .

So write your own list. Do the dc sleep through? Bet it's you that's sees to them. Add on sleep hours each to the list . Spell out he is a fucking lazy cunt.

I’d probably do my own list for a few days of exactly everything I do, absolutely everything …. but I can be quite petty like that!

My DH did this the other day, listed his 'jobs' he'd done. I told him in no uncertain terms to put a sock in it. Cheeky sod.

If he just did things knowing they needed to be done then you wouldn't have to ask him so much.
You have 3 young children and work full time . How did he not realise it would be pretty much full on all the time .

Sorry I forgot to say, yes give him your 'list'! As pp said.

I would sit down with him with a list of what you do. Will he then say he has the harder job, earns more money. If you have 3 under 5 I can imagine it is quite stressful but you need to be a partnership

Ask him if he wants a gold medal for his efforts ???? You should be a team working together not against each other x

Please start making your own list. When he does this, thank him for whatever he’s patting himself on the back about, then pull out your list of everything you’ve also done. He’ll stop eventually.

I think that you need to fight fire with fire for a few days until he shuts up in embarrassment. I assume that he thinks that he does more than 50% hence the arrogant attitude.

Part of me thinks don’t engage with this dickish behaviour but the other part says write down absolutely everything you do for a week and get him to do the same then compare. The object of the exercise after that would be to have an adult conversation about the fact that as parents you both have to take responsibility for your kids. Knock the whole “I’m helping” narrative on the head, if you both work FT the home stuff needs to be 50:50.

Write your own list and staple it to his fucking balls.

Write your list. Write his. Then tell him which tasks he’ll pick up to make it 50/50

You could buy him some well done stickers so he can see how childish he’s being, or respond to his list with your own.

Or sit down when the kids are asleep and tell him it’s pretty serious what this behaviour says about your marriage - that you didn’t have 3 kids by yourself, that you’re supposed to be a team pulling together rather than glory grabbing for basic care of the kids and home, that him ignoring you is extremely hurtful and disrespectful and that it’s starting to kill your respect for him and attraction to him. Explain in i phrases that when he does that you feel alone and upset. That it doesn’t feel like a partnership and if nothing changes things don’t look good longer term.

If he does 10 things
You do 10 things.
Your list will obviously include dc but no dh's meals or washing or tidy up.
Tit for tat I say.
But I'm petty like that.

Perhaps, if he says, "I've changed 3 nappies," you could say, "oh is that all? I've changed 5 today, so you'd better do the next 2 — we don't want a situation where one of us is taking more of the load."

"Today I've taken the rubbish out, wiped the table, put away the toys," you reply, "Oh I didn't realise! I've been doing so much extra work. I've done the dishes, two loads of washing, walked the dog, cleaned the car, organised the lunches, ordered the new babygros, been on the phone to sort out the council tax, GP appointments, vaccinations, and school homework issue, changed 6 nappies, helped DCs 1 and 2 with homework, got the shopping in and hoovered the hall. That means you can do the next two days' chores to make it equal."

I would say “Well done 👏 I’ll add 3 stars to your reward chart Good job 👏

Making your own list is good.

But, for me, as an incredibly petty person, this doesn't go far enough.
Stop everything you do for him.
No more cooking for him
No more washing his clothes
No more cleaning up after him.

Only focus on yours and the children stuff. That will drive the point home.

But it may not be best to listen to my advice, because I am in bad mood today 😕

Mine does this sometimes
On Monday he completely lost it, and got all huffy and said he felt resentful that he had to empty the bin and take the recycling out!

I basically said well done quite sarcasticly then he started listed all the things he does that I don't notice. Which wasn't truthful.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! It'd as if he wants a medal, it should be just done!

I did start picking up on the little things he didn't do, but I wouldn't advise it, as it's petty and you will get nowhere when you have 3 small children to take care of.

I'd be telling him you both live in the house and if you need him to do something he should be doing it. You are a team, I'd be telling him him how hurt you are when he ignores you and if he helped you more you wouldn't be a "nag" which you aren't being by the way, then maybe things would be better.

Maybe a list of things that are you could both take responsibility for might help.

Definitely write your list. And then see what he says

F me.
What a way to live - voluntarily.
☹️

I’d get him a massive reward chart and stick it on the fridge whilst secretly plotting to divorce him

Read FairPlay, make him read it, download the cards and have him see the current state of division of labour. That and couples therapy. This resentment will kill the marriage and cause you to be desperately unhappy.

Playing devil's advocate but do you have the same standards? I ask as my ex was obsessed with the state of the house, for me adequately tidy was enough. I felt he was constantly asking me to do stuff that (imo) wasn't necessary, I valued my downtime over some of the household stuff that he considered necessary. Even with DC, he was very 'helicopter' where I encouraged independence. He felt I wS lazy, I felt he was making his life harder by choice...

I'm not saying separate but maybe have a conversation, align on what you both consider 'the essentials' and divvy out the tasks to just take the friction away.

Next time he lists out his jobs, stop him in his tracks and say the following

‘“ DH do you want a medal? Do you think that the things you do are extraordinary? You are a father, you decided to make the decisions in your life to have a family? This is what it means to be a father. This is what it means to partake in the family!! what you are doing is not in anyway amazing or in need of reward. You are doing what needs to be done, like I am,day in day out. Like every other parent does day in and day out. You are not being an amazing partner or an amazing parent. You are just doing what needs to be done. If it’s a case of not feeling appreciated, then I am letting you know now you are appreciated and what you do is appreciated, but I don’t need to appreciate them every moment at the moment that you do them. You can just assume that you are appreciated and that you are needed, now get on with it and do your job”

Absolutely this.
Only do things for your children.
Nothing whatsoever for him.
3 young children with a full-time job is very tough.
Conserve your energy.
Sort out your contraception.
For many familys the 3rd child puts them over the edge.
You need to mind yourself first, your children need you well.
Cut out ANY task that doesn't benefit the children.

He sounds like a complete loser with one foot out the door.
Loser man child.