DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

We have 3 small children under 5. Both work full time . The last few months DH seems to be really resentful of being asked to do anything and has started to ignore me when I call his name. ‘DH , please can you get the potty ( because I’m feeding the children )’

He has always listed the things he does
I’ve hovered up again .
I’ve washed up 3 times today already !
I picked the children up from Nursery and played within them for an hour until you got home.

He is their father ! I would say I do three times as much as DH but wouldn’t even think about listing that I’ve changed 10 nappies , made dinner , dressed the children, swept up , gone shopping , been up since 6am.

Lately when I call him to help he has admitted he ignores me . This has been noticeable and has really hurt me .

I feel DH is creating a narrative that I’m always asking / moaning and it’s so hard on him as he is exhausted.

I don’t want this narrative of me being a nag and him listing off his jobs. I’m fed up. I do alot and DH gets off lightly at times . We both work FT.

When I tried to discuss this easier he said I am being sensitive !

Advice please .

Get a dishwasher - no one in our house washes up (expect for pans). Make a rota of who is doing what, maybe that will help with resentment as will show clearly that you do vastly more. Include nursery, school runs, play dates, trips to park and other activities (include who is taking them/picking them up). Did your DH want a third child? The only reason I ask is I’ve seen other dads of three pull this shit, mostly because they had been clear about only wanting 2 kids (some only 1).

ExH used to do this. Along with complaining I didn't praise him for it. He never once in 20 years cleaned the loo or did the laundry. By the end he was leaving me notes of instructions.

Tosser.

I did this
DH then apologised profusely

https://www.google.co.uk/search?client=safari&sca_esv=7ffb7a96b4e8ce9c&sca_upv=1&hl=en-gb&q=eve+rodsky&udm=7&fbs=AEQNm0Aa4sjWe7Rqy32pFwRj0UkWd8nbOJfsBGGB5IQQO6L3JzWreY9LW7LdGrLDAFqYDH2lNRNVm2fkdfNI8a8MNHxmDZRv6nXaEcWOTFM0nIm055s2dJJMu34ZP40_wGjKlZl2DC0cKLkUXSyynMHE1rcvnLR6yAa22HXiQr1hG50GD2JZBbzzc6gXPtVNIU-8VNVr836hi9AoKkNR6ETg9LyEsbYuPg&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwid8djOmtGIAxWRakEAHR1JG2EQtKgLegQICxAB&biw=375&bih=627&dpr=3#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:f76a53b7,vid:j7_12ZJP_9w,st:0

This is link to a video by Eve Rodsky. Her book Fair Play is on audible. It’s a bit American so some bits don’t relate so well to the UK, but mostly it’s incredibly helpful.

She listed all the invisible work that goes into parenting and running a house (that usually falls to women) and then created ‘Fair Play’ cards. The basic idea is that you are both equally responsible, you need to have mutually agreed standards of care and then all those tasks should be fairly split. Both parents should have self care time and equal amounts of ‘unicorn’ time that is time for them to do what they like.

I found it really helpful in having those conversations with my DH who seemed to think by doing a bit of cooking, washing up, laundry and childcare, he was, not only, a wonderfully modern, feminist man, but also a hero deserving of huge amounts of appreciation and gratitude. He’d tell me he’d ‘done the washing for me.’ Nope, it’s just the shit that needs doing and we both need to do it.

He does his fair share now (although there is a weary sigh that says ‘look at everything I do’ whenever I am in ear shot). Dear god he’s no idea. There are single parents that in one day manage to juggle more than he does in a week. But it is fair now and I do t get the ‘I did this for you’ anymore.

Don’t give up your career @Pinkchickglitterpants

I clung on to mine with a lazy horrible twat of an exH who did sweet fuck all to share the load when we had kids. He worked full time, did the garden maintenance and took the bins out. I worked full time and did everything else.

I ended the marriage 2 years ago, when DS was 8 and DD 4.5. Now I mow the lawns and put the bins out and it turns out being married to a lazy prick is excellent training for being a single mother- I’ve adjusted very easily.

Given him one of these.

Or as a PP suggested, pin it to his scrotum. 😆

He admitted he ignores you when you ask for help?! Sorry OP you have four children in the house

To do list on the fridge and tick off each one as you go along and he will see how much you are doing

If he has got the time to make a list he obviously isn’t that busy!

Also all these people saying “just tell him” “are your standards too high?” “make him a list” etc assume these men are capable of being shamed and/or care about fairness in their relationship. A nice caring husband doesn’t take the piss out of his wife and the mother of his children.

You shouldn’t need to convince someone to treat you well.

OP, just wondering how DH is in himself. Has he been quieter than normal, could he be letting things get to him at work Sometimes when you're struggling with other issues, you can't cope with having to concentrate on something else.

He doesn’t give a fuck

Or rather, he thinks it’s her job and all that work is beneath him. Do you really think he doesn’t realise exactly what he’s doing (and not doing)?

hehehehe! This 👆

Work late ! Let him get on with it all alone for a while .

Loud applause, every fucking time.

And, let me guess, bins and lawn care… not such a big deal? But would have required lots of appreciation from you right?

Yes when I get stressed at work as a senior corporate lawyer I stop doing my laundry and looking after my kids, it’s totally normal behaviour

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Funnily enough, I have a very demanding and stressful job too. As a woman I somehow managed to juggle both and use my words when it was too much…

My DH did this and I never did list all the stuff I did (extra to my normal chores), so I decided to say ‘let’s both say jobs we’ve done when we’ve done something’.
It seems to work and it makes us both feel good and productive and takes away the one-upmanship that had been happening.

We also compliment each other on the jobs we’ve done , eg ‘oh the grass looks nice’ or ‘thanks for calling the insurance’ etc.
It’s definitely taken away a lot of the animosity there had been before.

I do wonder @Pinkchickglitterpants if your DH is listing the things he’s doing because he actually feels pretty inadequate compared to you and he knows exactly how hard you’re working but lists his jobs so you don’t think he’s slacking?

He's resenting you because he feels you "nag"
You resenting him because you have to "nag" him to do (not even) his fair share of parenting and adulting.

There aren't any magic words that will make him understand your point of view. Look at it this way - he didn't sit you down to explain that he felt unappreciated/nagged/fed up did he? He just started ignoring you. Women tend to think that doing the same back is petty and will damage things further but this isn't true, you need to meet him at his level and communicate in a way he understands if you have any chance of fixing this. Stop cooking food for him, stop doing his laundry, stop tidying up after the DC's dinner, especially anything you do for him (coffee in the morning etc) just stop. Ignore him. Don't be angry or moody just be practical and do whatever you can for your children. If they are old enough to talk send them to "ask daddy" if they need something while you are busy with the other one. He won't need it explaining to him what you're doing, he will know. You simply can't "talk things out" with men like this unfortunately.

Every time my DH used to do this, I would go, "that's great, thanks. I emptied all the bins this morning/cooked the evening meal/did 3 loads of laundry/insert job"

He soon realised he was being an idiot.It stopped completely.

not a big deal and mowing lawns is actually (I now realise) quite fun. And he did a half arsed job and always left the catcher off so he left grass clippings everywhere. And never trimmed the edges. I loathe an unkempt bush.

yes I had to effusively praise him for all his Hard Manly Work

This made me laugh!

Oh dear! He's been reading too much internet stuff about how men should be able to relax once they're home from work, without realising you're not a trad wife.

3 children under 5 is a full time job for you both. You can't ever be in a position where, during waking hours, you just sit back.

Personally I wouldn't list out what you do. It's not a pissing contest - you need to pull together, not compete.
Do you have additional enough help? e.g. someone to help clean / do laundry?