DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

We have 3 small children under 5. Both work full time . The last few months DH seems to be really resentful of being asked to do anything and has started to ignore me when I call his name. ‘DH , please can you get the potty ( because I’m feeding the children )’

He has always listed the things he does
I’ve hovered up again .
I’ve washed up 3 times today already !
I picked the children up from Nursery and played within them for an hour until you got home.

He is their father ! I would say I do three times as much as DH but wouldn’t even think about listing that I’ve changed 10 nappies , made dinner , dressed the children, swept up , gone shopping , been up since 6am.

Lately when I call him to help he has admitted he ignores me . This has been noticeable and has really hurt me .

I feel DH is creating a narrative that I’m always asking / moaning and it’s so hard on him as he is exhausted.

I don’t want this narrative of me being a nag and him listing off his jobs. I’m fed up. I do alot and DH gets off lightly at times . We both work FT.

When I tried to discuss this easier he said I am being sensitive !

Advice please .

I’d be tempted to add another “job” to his list - grow the fuck up.

But seriously, I’d have a conversation about how many adults live in the house and how many of those adults are the parents of your children.

I've read that to pay someone that does all a wife and mother does would be shelling out £150.000 a year at least. Bargain id say.

Remind him that if you divorce him he will have to do it all AND 50% of childcare.
Has someone been putting new ideas in his head @Pinkchickglitterpants ? Changes in behaviour get prompted by something.

Very good.
Cheeky twat.
I would be particularly tempted by the divorce bit.

Life must feel like neverending drudge work, do either of you go out and do your own thing?

Have you had an open conversation about how you're both feeling?

Does he pull his weight? Can you take it in turns to feed the children and get organised so the other isn't being called every five minutes?

Point out to him that whilst there are 5 of you living in the house, 3 of them are unable to pull their own weight. Therefore you and him have to do the tasks of 2.5 people each, and whilst you recognise that this is a pain in the arse, you really don't want to be pulling the weight for 4 people, so please can he start not just pulling his own weight, but 1.5 extra?

Sometimes it isn't apparent to men some that pulling their own weight is not enough when there are cute-but-useless kids in the mix.

The 5 year old can start doing a bit though - it doesn't take a grown adult to fetch a potty, for example (unless it needs emptying in a tidy manner).

You have 4 children - because he considers you responsible for household.

My ex was like this. I used to joke about it with friends and thought it was all men.

It's not.

DP is brilliant round the house. He probably does a lot more than me (whilst also working a physically demanding job). He'll get in from work, feed the dogs, put a wash on, start getting tea ready... He just gets on with it and never says a thing.

Life is so much easier, calmer and happier!

Make your own list.
My DH freely admits he has no idea how much I actually do to make life just run. But when he complains I just point out how much I have actually done that day and he realises he has it easy

Make your list but then sit him down and talk to him.

He's grumpy, resentful and arsey with you and not pulling his weight. That's not sustainable. You get he's knackered, as you are too but you both chose to have 3 kids. It will get easier but 3 under 5 is a treadmill and the sooner he wakes up to the reality of this the better. it is absolutely relentless but the alternative is worse. Divorce means 50:50 so solo parenting. Does he want you BOTH to shorten your working hours and take the income hit?

I think you'll have to be the grown up in this situation. We all have crappy weeks but unless he's been like this forever I'd cut him some slack.

What does he want? A weekend off? A night out once a week. Be sure to establish if he still wants it if it's going to be reciprocal [ie he covers the equivalent time off for you ?]

When was the last time he did something nice for you and you for him?

You are BOTH working full time and yet you are doing the majority of the housework and childcare and having to point out to him things that need doing because he's too lazy and self-centred to work out what to do for himself.

I'd leave for the weekend. Take off after work tonight and don't come back until Monday after work.

Send him a message saying that you're aware he doesn't like you asking him to do stuff, so you're taking yourself out of the way so you can't ask and he needs to work out for himself what needs doing.

Tell him this is how it'll be every alternate weekend from now on out, because you know you can cope with your three children by yourself as you do it allllllll the time, but he has no idea how much effort goes into keeping those wheels spinning.

Once he's had to do it for himself for a while he'll get a better understanding.

But essentially he needs to pitch in willingly or fuck off. No one needs a sulky man child littering up the place.

Needs a serious conversation - does he feel put upon? Say you're struggling too so let's change things. Both of you write a list together of all the jobs, & how often they are done each week. Then you both brainstorm how to simplify/let go of stuff and how to divvy up the rest fairly. Listen to his ideas, cut corners, compromise on standards. Think up left field solutions, build in breaks. Do you need any extra stuff to help - a robot vacuum, an extra airer, a spare freezer in the garage, a weekly takeaway?

Include wifework management tasks as well as who physically empties the potty or cooks the dinner.

Knowing that you need to both have full time jobs having 3 children so close together was not the best idea to make a happy family.

Yup Eve Rodsky Fair Play could be pretty helpful here

^ This. He does need to grow up! You are in the parenting trenches currently. It’s relentless!

If you can grab half an hour and go somewhere neutral for a drink that would be ideal. Have a list prepared of everything you have done in the last week. Then compare it with his list.

Then say you don’t want to be in a relationship where your other half, who is meant to be your team mate and supporter, is resentfully keeping score, especially when you are doing far more than he does! The better you work together, the quicker you get it all done.

Explain that raising three kids is a lot of work and whether you could afford getting in a baby-sitter to cover one weekend morning, afternoon, or evening, to give you all a break. Or what are his other suggestions? That you work pt and he earns more?

FFS you shouldn’t have to orchestrate this kind of chat but there we are. Very disappointing for you op 💐

Wow he deserves a medal and an OBE! Cheeky bugger

I was thinking exactly the same thing. Bloody soul destroying.

This!

Include wifework management tasks as well as who physically empties the potty or cooks the dinner.

Absolutely this - you need to write out an exhaustive list, especially if you have to collect HIS dry cleaning et al. I know, I know another job for you to do. Pin it on the fridge!!!! They really think they do it all, don't they???

Write your own list and log his next to it. It's called parenting what a twonk.

You shouldn't have to ask he should just do it , but yes as others have said if he wants to play that game make your own list and tell him every time you do something

A bit of a different situation as my DH has mental health problems and I have physical health problems so both disabled. But...

I was so sick of the place getting so bad and me not having energy to do anything else but clean so I wrote out a big list of everything that needs doing, and how many time per week.i showed him and asked if there's any jobs he especially does/ doesn't want to do, then split the jobs and wrote him a chart of what he needs to do each day.

It's been 2 weeks and the place is so much better! I still have to keep saying "have u checked your list" but that's better than having to check if each job needs doing then tell him to do them individually!!

Men do this because fundamentally they see doing anything domestic or childcare related as an imposition on them. Men think they shouldn't have to do anything other than paid work, no matter what their partner's situation.

Hi

Thanks all for the replies.

I don’t want to live and be miserable like this !

3 under 5 is hard but as a team it’s okay. But this silly competition thing and ignoring is cruel and makes me sad and it’s horrible.

I will talk to DH and say we are both working as hard as we can but we need to be a team. I can and will not live like this any longer.

Life is too short.

If this continues I will not continue in this. I won’t beg someone to look after their own children. I’d rather do it all alone than have a miserable grump in my home.

I go to work for a break !!!! to the comment who said working full time isn’t a good idea - I will not give up my carer ! It keeps me sane and gives me the independence I need !!!

I agree. If you’re doing his washing, tidying up after him, making lunch, cooking for him just stop. If he asks just tell him that you’re sick of him behaving like a martyr over entry level chores and if he doesn’t share the load equally and without this ridiculous “performance listing” he’s on his own.