DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

We have 3 small children under 5. Both work full time . The last few months DH seems to be really resentful of being asked to do anything and has started to ignore me when I call his name. ‘DH , please can you get the potty ( because I’m feeding the children )’

He has always listed the things he does
I’ve hovered up again .
I’ve washed up 3 times today already !
I picked the children up from Nursery and played within them for an hour until you got home.

He is their father ! I would say I do three times as much as DH but wouldn’t even think about listing that I’ve changed 10 nappies , made dinner , dressed the children, swept up , gone shopping , been up since 6am.

Lately when I call him to help he has admitted he ignores me . This has been noticeable and has really hurt me .

I feel DH is creating a narrative that I’m always asking / moaning and it’s so hard on him as he is exhausted.

I don’t want this narrative of me being a nag and him listing off his jobs. I’m fed up. I do alot and DH gets off lightly at times . We both work FT.

When I tried to discuss this easier he said I am being sensitive !

Advice please .

can't imagine it's an enjoyable life for anyone involved, I don't know what they were thinking. I only know of one other couple who put themselves in that situation in this day and age, they were both well-salaried doctors and they had a full time nanny and a cleaner twice a week. Even then they didn't see the kids as much as they all wanted.

Just say well done darling and give him a reward sticker!

OP@Pinkchickglitterpants please listen to this….most people marry and have kids because they love each other but you have to understand that you and your husband have BOTH put yourselves into a situation that will cause undue stress on BOTH of you…something has to give, I totally understand a woman needing and wanting to maintain a career and I am NEVER excusing a man not understanding that in this situation they have to step up equally, but sometimes in a relationship you have to be explicit about how you are both struggling and what solutions are going to work. I and many other women have survived this stage and managed to come out of it with an intact ,decent marriage so please explore all solutions.

It's not PA , my DH and I agreed to it to try to resolve the situation amicably.
He was convinced he did more than me
Humble pie was eaten

Definitely write your own list. If he’s going to be petty then do the same.

Sounds hideous and there are so many of these threads - makes me glad I’ve been a single mum for 20 odd years.
the way I see it there are various options and which I plumped for would depend on your unique circumstances eg how stressful and demanding is his job and how decent is he in other areas like generous with money, how much do you love him and want to fix or if you’ve had enough in general - good luck xx

Have a mature proper convo with him and explain how you’re feeling and the extent of your workload and listen to his point of you and make a plan to resolve

tit for tat him argue and tell him what you’re doing when you’re doing it until he sees your point

threaten to kick him out if he doesn’t buck his ideas up

throw money at it - gardener cleaner bit of childcare outside of work hours so you can spend time together alone - whatever you can afford to take the drudgery away so your free time is dedicated to your kids and eachother and not all chores.

How on earth do you have 3 children under 5 and both work full time? That just sounds insanely hard for everyone! Not to mention the childcare bill must be eye watering. We had 3 under 5, DH worked full time and I was a SAHM and it was still SO hard. I don’t know how you’re doing it, no wonder you’re both stressed…!

+1 for Fair Play. You can buy sets of the cards too.

Did he want any of these children or a family this closely spaced because it doesn't sound as if he did.
Presumably he has at least a couple of brain cells and can understand what work needs doing.
Personally I'd be wrestling him out of the door and claiming CMS instead.

Just put a red tick by each task he needs acknowledgment for doing. Then write “Could do better” underneath.

He is clearly a still a little boy hoping for a gold star, rather than a fully functioning adult who is part of a family.

I’d suggest he takes the lead, and just calls me for help as required.

Just give him one of these every time he mentions the job he's just done:

Motivational Stickers

LTB tbh

I don't think you should write out your own list, because that will leave you open to accusations of bias, and you'll just end up going back and forth with him.

Researchers have drawn up an objective list of domestic tasks that you can download, print off and go through with your partner (if you can persuade him to). That will make it really clear where the balance lies. It's called the Checklist for Gender Equality. I think other women on here have found it useful.

Here's the download. Good luck!

Be careful what you wish for. It’s really bloody hard on your own.

Your approach is not PA, and if op and dh can do it amicably then great, but he's already being PA and ignoring her so will he be reasonable about it?

This.

OP, you need to make the point loudly and clearly. If he says what he’s done, you respond in kind. If he ignores you, you stop doing his laundry. Just leave his in the basket.

To me it sounds like he sees ALL of the house and child stuff as your sole responsibility so he sees it as he is doing you a favour by doing anything at all.

Whereas you likely see it as being a joint responsibility, because you aren't living in some kind of time warp from 1982. So him listing out three things is ridiculously underperforming.

You are always going to be stuck in arguments and resentment unless you can agree on the first principle which is who is responsible for what. I must admit I find the first version absolutely ridiculous because what on earth does he think he is doing in exchange for you being responsible for ALL of those things? You both work full time, does he see his job as being "more important" than yours?

Being exhausted is a separate issue. It's legitimate IMO to be exhausted and to communicate this to your spouse and try to work out what can shift to help alleviate that. Maybe doing less at home is one of those things - though there is also looking at general health, sleep apnoea, drinking/diet, is he burnt out, does he get enough support at work, do you (each) have time and space to de-stress? Or are you both tired because having three small children and working full time and not having household help is genuinely exhausting but you are getting on with it and he is not coping or somehow seeing it as your "fault"?

Couple's therapy might help you work this out if you would be open to it, because there are likely 3/4 issues - how much "should" each person be responsible for and what is a fair expectation. How can you communicate to each other when you feel you need more support. Are things equal? And is he exhausted, why, and what can be done about that? If you normally can discuss stuff when he's not struggling then it is probably worth a try.

OTOH if you've each got into seeing the other with contempt it is supposed to be very difficult to come back from that. And unfortunately IME some men do have an inherent gender bias where they see women as having a different role and do have expectations from their wife/partner which are unequal. If he does have that then I think that's also very hard to unlearn.

@Pinkchickglitterpants

Hi I have not read the whole thread so sorry if this has been recommended.
Have a read on listen to Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.

I found it good as it talks about fair not equal in the division of Labour. She is also interviewed on the Don’t buy her flowers pod cast which is a good listen.

I thought I was doing loads until I saw it set out in front of me and then got I better!

My ex would literally write lists of what he'd done. He once listed every step involved in putting water down for our dog. And the truly horrendous part? I'm pretty sure that was before I chose to have a child with him.

I think children highlight the management and priority of household tasks.
This is a big continuous test for marriage.
I know DP and I are similar but we each have a specific way of doing things. Compromise, patience, and communication are the keys to not letting it destroy the family.

My DH has called me a nag in the past, when I’ve asked him to do normal little jobs, like cleaning up the crumbs when he’s made toast. So I stopped asking and just did it myself, as I don’t want to be a nag. But can you see what he did there?
Calling a woman a nag is a man’s way of shutting you up.

I'd do the same.

This runs a lot deeper than simple laziness

Did he have a stay-at-home mum who did everything by any chance? You probably have different ideas of what equsl parenting looks like

Time for couples therapy, definitely, to get to the bottom of it

This 'list of' thing is coming up too often - who is behind it? I think it's a men's rights thing. Someone mentioned Andrew Tate on another thread recently - the was a husband listing all his wife's faults. What comes up next is "What do you do for me?" usually meaning 'You aren't providing enough sex of various kinds so I am not going to take on my reasonable share of housework and parenting unless you provide more.'