DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

We have 3 small children under 5. Both work full time . The last few months DH seems to be really resentful of being asked to do anything and has started to ignore me when I call his name. ‘DH , please can you get the potty ( because I’m feeding the children )’

He has always listed the things he does
I’ve hovered up again .
I’ve washed up 3 times today already !
I picked the children up from Nursery and played within them for an hour until you got home.

He is their father ! I would say I do three times as much as DH but wouldn’t even think about listing that I’ve changed 10 nappies , made dinner , dressed the children, swept up , gone shopping , been up since 6am.

Lately when I call him to help he has admitted he ignores me . This has been noticeable and has really hurt me .

I feel DH is creating a narrative that I’m always asking / moaning and it’s so hard on him as he is exhausted.

I don’t want this narrative of me being a nag and him listing off his jobs. I’m fed up. I do alot and DH gets off lightly at times . We both work FT.

When I tried to discuss this easier he said I am being sensitive !

Advice please .

@Ilikeadrink14 I take your point about stable doors etc. But the number of Threads on MN that feature Full time employment, DC with special needs, babies, puppies, a DP who works away some of the time.
Why do folk load themselves up with tasks that will be restrictive. They refused to be practical before the last pregnancy. Then they get a time consuming pet.
Some just bring chaos and set themselves up to fail.
A friend is like this, DH away with military, child with special needs, dog that needs miles a day. She has now taken an allotment. Soon in arguments about the dog being there. She has to hurry to get the plot ready. Gardening at a run!
I wish she would try fewer things and concentrate better.

Make a list every day for about a week of what you do and a list of what the twat does and then present it to him!!! Show him the level of how unreasonable he is!

I had this and I had a breakdown. My husband felt like such a martyr having to deal with this, and the children on top of his undemanding job. In reality I was still doing everything child related. What worked for us was a single appointment with relate. The marriage counsellor asked all the right questions and as my husband was explaining how amazing he was, he suddenly had a rare moment of self awareness and realised what a prick he sounded like. Things improved rapidly. He still needs to be minded it isn't all about him occasionally.

Try not to be petty as it won’t do anything for your mental health and cause more arguments. You won’t win a competition of who has done more.
I was working 70 hours a week and just decided I wasn’t doing cleaning so I outsourced. I got a cleaner and it was amazing. DH didn’t like the cost so I said he can clean the bathrooms for free, mop the floors etc. it gave me time back to do those deeper clean jobs like pull the kitchen cupboards out and give them a good sort out which helped my mental health as could never find anything!
sounds like you have another child in the house.
try and automate stuff. Get online shopping delivered. Come up together with a three week meal plan and have a shopping list for it then you can just click go. This is because DH hates shopping and I refused to go by myself! I also spend way more in the shop!

if you can then just go away for a weekend to see family or friend and leave him with the kids and having to do everything. Then come back and say the house is a mess as it will be a tip!

then they expect you to put out because they helped you by hoovering once.

I’d write my own list in return and then I’d leave him because he sounds like a twat

I’m not sure it’s as simple as that though.

Maybe she needs the company of a dog with her dh away a lot?

And maybe the gardening is a necessary change from parenting a child with SEN?

If she just restricted herself to fewer things her life might become wholly centred on the domestic which many women loathe!

This is exactly what I'd say.
Not making my own lists, or not doing anything for him. IMO that's just petty.

If you divorced, he'd have to do 100% of the chores and 100% of the 50% of the child caring and chores.

The mutual chores are not your responsibility, the parenting and tasks aren't you're responsibility.

You want a partner, not a point scorer.

I felt relief when my ex and I split, and it was so much easier to rely on myself and work full time. The drain I felt and the overwhelm managing his moods and the resentment when he had to do chores was more effort and impact than my doing them.

Sorry he seems to have lost sight of this. Jimmy on relationships do some great videos on mutual chores and supporting each other with young families.

Good luck, whatever you decide. Hopefully a reality check that you're both exhausted, you're both short on time and how you can both support each other better will be better for the next bit. Things are hard and relentless right now but it does get easier.

Well, WHY wouldn't you think of listing what you've done? Sounds like a fair enough way to make the point. Maybe followed by "Ooh, I'm beating you! And by quite a margin, too! You're going to have to up your game if you're going to catch me by the end of the day!". He ought to get it pretty quick.