DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

We have 3 small children under 5. Both work full time . The last few months DH seems to be really resentful of being asked to do anything and has started to ignore me when I call his name. ‘DH , please can you get the potty ( because I’m feeding the children )’

He has always listed the things he does
I’ve hovered up again .
I’ve washed up 3 times today already !
I picked the children up from Nursery and played within them for an hour until you got home.

He is their father ! I would say I do three times as much as DH but wouldn’t even think about listing that I’ve changed 10 nappies , made dinner , dressed the children, swept up , gone shopping , been up since 6am.

Lately when I call him to help he has admitted he ignores me . This has been noticeable and has really hurt me .

I feel DH is creating a narrative that I’m always asking / moaning and it’s so hard on him as he is exhausted.

I don’t want this narrative of me being a nag and him listing off his jobs. I’m fed up. I do alot and DH gets off lightly at times . We both work FT.

When I tried to discuss this easier he said I am being sensitive !

Advice please .

Yup - Christmas present of a Reward Chart

Write a list down together for both of you so he doesn’t feel you’re nagging him or asking for more and more. Once you start breaking chores down and writing it out he’ll see how much extra you do

The issue is that some people, often men, do not see the chores that other people, often women, see need doing.
So if you decide not to write a list, how will he know that you are carrying the load you are carrying.
If all he sees as chores to be done is:

• hoovering
• laundry
• minding children

But doesn't see the other chores that you do eg

• tidying up
• bathroom cleaning
• dressing kids

Or whatever

Then you'll never align. You need to sit down and write out the list of all chores that need doing by someone. Then sit down with him and ask him how he wants to divide it up. He can add chores on there if he thinks there's missing but he can't take away unless he agrees with you that it doesn't need doing at all, ever.

After reading threads like this for many years it appears that the third baby is the straw that breaks the camels back. Relationship issues, exhausted adults, messy houses, meals, mountains of laundry it all falls apart if you both work full time.

I did have three by the way.

I don't know how any couple can expect to have three very young children and both work full time and things not be very, very difficult. Can you really do it all and keep your sanity?! If there's a way that one could cut hours even temporarily until children are older that might be a good option?

I do wonder though because surely someone doesn’t suddenly become more unhelpful or do less chores after child no3 is it just that the woman has sucked it up and they have never addressed the issue until the straw breaks a camels back? I kind of think most people show their attitudes to division of labour as soon as you live with them?! Edited to make sense I hope!

You can do it more easily with help. As in cleaners, service laundry. Which leaves you with online shopping and cooking.

Tell him you'll swap lists with him next weekend.

You'll do everything on his list.

He can do everything else.

Then see how he feels.

Don’t nag him, then! But also don’t do things yourself. So for ex don’t tidy up, don’t do the food shop, don’t cook, etc. At one point he’ll ask what is for dinner - your answer: I don’t know, what were you thinking of doing?
(tried and tested with DH!)
Just don’t cave. Your children can survive even if lunch is a bit later or less healthy than usual. If you stay strong I can guarantee that your DH will get the message soon.

I can only speak for my circumstances. Things were ok after the first baby, but his job wasn’t as taxing (though low paid). It was the second child that things went sideways and downwards. He retrained and I was happy to support in the initial year as it was very heavy, but things never went back to equal after that. Then both children were presenting with autistic traits, our second was/is very high needs. I wasn’t getting any sleep, I was on my knees, my life revolved around endless meltdowns never mind handing the whole mental load. I was making my mental leaving plan when Covid hit and despite both of us always at home it was still all on me. But then fell unexpectedly pregnant, so reevaluated. When the baby was born and he used his 2 weeks paternity to sit and play video games whilst I had to get back to the school run 3 days after giving birth made me quickly go back to the original plan, took a year but I left. He’s still confused and sad as to why 🙃.

Do you have to work full time , is it your choice to do so ? 3 in childcare , you must have an amazingly paid job !
Could you consider / do you want to cut your hours , even until 1 or 2 are in school ?

we had three children under 5 and both worked full time and managed - sent out the ironing (shirts) and had a cleaner every 2 weeks.

The key to managing and for the marriage to survive is for each parent to presume that the other parent is doing their best and pulling their weight. For each parent to want to be the one doing a bit more and make life a bit nicer for the other one. Even now, when our children are long grown, if the dog needs to be put out early in the morning, we'll each try to be the one to get up to do it. the one who gets to stay in bed says thanks.

Your dh has made the mistake of thinking he wins if he does less work than you. He maybe deep down thinks the house and children are women's work. Maybe you've just gone back to work after maternity leave and he has become used to having a sahm even though you aren't one. You can certainly take Natty13's advice and go on a work to rule. But your marriage will not be a happy one and nor will your home. resentment will kill it.

I'd give it a shot of sitting down with him when you aren't stressed/kids are in bed and just ask him how he thinks this life should work because with 3 kids there is a lot of work to get through and you both will need to ask the other for help sometime. if he ignores you or lists everything he does, your marriage is going to be a casualty so what does he suggest?

it is a bit relentless right now but these are the in the trenches years - it gets a lot better.

Oh and DON'T give up your job or go part time just to do more housework!

Why would she do that? She may need her "well-paid" job more than ever very soon if she ends up kicking her "DH" into touch.

I’ve posted a couple of times - i don’t want to derail from the OP. My husband is an arse. I’m fairly certain he’s been emotionally abusing me for years - but then I question myself wondering why I think that as he would certainly not even consider it abuse. I’m stuck financially (he won’t leave, or won’t let me out the house on the market, he has threatened to take the kids 50/50 (which was purely to get at me and to avoid paying maintenance - he does NOTHING with the kids at the minute), then basically ignored the whole situation of me asking for a divorce and just pretends we are a happy family).

don’t get me wrong - I’m not perfect and I’m sure there’s plenty of stuff I do or say that pisses him off…. But when you and your kids are actually celebrating when he tells you he’s away with work for the night, and visibly disappointed when he says he’s coming home, you do start to realise it’s not just you that thinks he’s a twat.

@Tillow4ever good God I would call his bluff, you don’t need his permission to get a divorce. You can force it. As for the 50-50, I reckon if he’s as useless and as much of an arsehole as you say, then he would soon give that up too, as he’ll realise that he’ll have to be in charge of children and actually do the parenting when he has them. And then you could get yourself a job. That works around the 50-50 agreement.

It all sounds incredibly tough, I hope you find your way out of it. He is an arse and you (and the kids) do deserve better. I used to say ‘I’m not perfect’ as well, because who is? And by the end I was turning into a horrible person. But after I left and I started mentally listing all the things I put up with, it was beyond usual human flaws. I can’t believe I put up with being treated as such a lesser person for so long. The kids have a choice, he can’t just say he’ll have them 50/50. Everything he’s saying is like the final moments of a dying animal, they’ll thrash out but once it’s over the power isn’t there anymore.

A nanny is usually cheaper than 3x nursery fees especially as the subsidised amount is low with 2 FT high-ish salaries and will cover 8-8 childcare + the house is tidy when you come home, kids are are fed and bathed etc

Thank you. You are very kind. Our youngest was only 4 back then, so his opinion wouldn’t have been considered. He’s now 12, so I hope to find the strength again soon to try again.

Thank you. I already have a job - I’ve always worked full time! I wouldn’t want to change this job because I love it.

What on earth did he think life was going to be like with 3 under 5?

I don’t think this comment was particularly helpful! Stable door and all that!
Also, it probably made the poster feel as if it were her fault, which it isn’t. He’s a lazy so-and-so!

I'm petty but if he admits he's ignoring you then I'd start ignoring his washing/dinner etc. When he asks say that as he thinks its OK to ignore your requests for help you're going to ignore his. Starting with his stuff in the laundry basket....

I can say the ignoring/being equally petty does not seem to be successful. I have tried it and there is no success at all and in fact he just seems fairly irritated when I treat him the same way although I haven't taken it as far as not cooking for him. I did just win a 3 day standoff about emptying the dishwasher (it was after I had left the house spotless and it was then his 2 days in charge of dinner and he just left it all to pile up assuming I guess that I would do it on my day). You could try showing him the dad privilege checklist by zawn villnes (not tried doing this but probably will). Am keen to try to nipto app PP suggested as think this might work

I read recently that testosterone is a selfish hormone. I think unfortunately even the best of us assess things on a “what’s in it for me” basis. I did genuinely think I was doing loads as I was doing more than most but then that’s a low bar as I discovered.

Hope your chap like me sees the what’s in it for him now. I am a better dad, better husband and better colleague

.No brainier really but it took coming on here to understand why she wasn’t up for nocturnals for the penny to drop which is poor on my part.

In the end the effort to change is inherently worth losing half the house,half my pension, not seeing my lads every day and someone else being with the woman I love.

Reading that makes me think I am still selfish I just channel it better but I appears to have done the trick.