DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

We have 3 small children under 5. Both work full time . The last few months DH seems to be really resentful of being asked to do anything and has started to ignore me when I call his name. ‘DH , please can you get the potty ( because I’m feeding the children )’

He has always listed the things he does
I’ve hovered up again .
I’ve washed up 3 times today already !
I picked the children up from Nursery and played within them for an hour until you got home.

He is their father ! I would say I do three times as much as DH but wouldn’t even think about listing that I’ve changed 10 nappies , made dinner , dressed the children, swept up , gone shopping , been up since 6am.

Lately when I call him to help he has admitted he ignores me . This has been noticeable and has really hurt me .

I feel DH is creating a narrative that I’m always asking / moaning and it’s so hard on him as he is exhausted.

I don’t want this narrative of me being a nag and him listing off his jobs. I’m fed up. I do alot and DH gets off lightly at times . We both work FT.

When I tried to discuss this easier he said I am being sensitive !

Advice please .

When I tried to discuss this easier he said I am being sensitive!

This is the problem. If the only way to sort this out is by immature stickers, writing your own list, rounds of applause and medals etc then I think you've got trouble ahead.

You need to be able to discuss issues that are bothering you, regardless of whether they are big, small, rational, fair or downright ridiculous.

Is this a recent thing, because you must have had quite a few crazy years with 3 under 5.

Get a cleaner. If you both work full time.

Outsource your washing to a service launderette.

My DH is like this although our DCs are now 14 and 16. It’s been brilliant recently, I’ve just had major gynae surgery and he’s had to pick me up from the hospital, which has been a huge chore. He’s listed everything he’s had to do ( bearing in mind the dog is in day care, kids are self sufficient and I’ve been hobbling up and down the stairs to get my own food) and won’t shut up about how overwhelmed he is. Op, this is what you’ll be facing into in the future. We’ve both always worked full time. It’s bloody miserable

In case no one has posted it:
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

It's not my vibe to use it but I know people who say it helped them have those conversations and change embedded patterns on domestic labour split

Please stay working FT.
Can you imagine how much worse he would be if you didn’t work FT!!

I would definitely speak to him when the kids are asleep and say exactly what you’ve says on here.

Tell him just because you’re the mother, doesn’t mean that you should do any more than he does.

Unfortunately, it’s only after having kids can you often see a man’s true misogyny.

He thinks he’s going you a favour by washing up or doing something for your kids.
He sees these as things that are your job and thinks you should be lucky he’s helping you out.

You are right that they are just as much his kids as yours and you shouldn’t have to ask him to do any of this.

I would suggest ending it but then he’d get off lightly because he wouldn’t have to do anything then.

I don’t want this narrative of me being a nag and him listing off his jobs. I’m fed up. I do alot and DH gets off lightly at times . We both work FT.

Easy

you do Monday and dp does Tuesday, then you do Wednesday and dp does Thursday and so on with the children

you write a list between you of jobs to be done each day that the other person does, so laundry two loads, washing up, cooking

The the work is split equally and he will wish to fuck he'd never said a word....

I also suggested it and put a link in. I agree with you. It really highlights all the invisible Labour that (mostly) women do. It was sooo helpful we bought the cards too.

Don't forget to add the time you spent pregnant with them 😏

So good to see others recommending this. I really hope she gets her husband to write an equivalent book aimed at men too as I think the book is aimed at women but actually would be so good not to have to do the Labour of distributing it all fairly too! I had to buy and read the book. I had to prompt the conversation. I had to manage his defensive responses initially. I had to get the cards etc. eventually he got it and it’s much better division now but for ages I still had ‘I have cleaned the toilet for you’ and ‘you don’t appreciate what I do’. It’s tiring.

This really resonates . I think this is the approach I want to take. I’m not going to start listing all my stuff . I will ignore his lists and not even entertain it. I will say - your being sensitive and walk off!!!!

II refuse to dote on someone who will be like this to me. I will treat him with the same level
of respect . Might sound petty but he as clearly withdrawn from me so I’ll focus on myself and the children.

@Pinkchickglitterpants sorry but that is not the way to resolve issues in your marriage!

If one of the items on the list was "I have washed up 3 times today" my response would be, "we need to buy a dishwasher" and "thanks for highlighting this"!

My husband and I used to have this argument so we downloaded an app called Nipto. It's so immature but you click on the things you've done and it awards you points. You can add different chores to it and decide how many points each chore is worth. I mean really we shouldn't need an app 😂 but it was good to show how much we were both contributing. It also motivates you to do more to win (or is it really loosing) at the end of each day.

As others have said, I would be about the petty life and would be formulating my own very long list of everything I had done that day. When he approaches you with his list, hand him yours.

I can sympathise op. My husband will tell me and everyone else that I do NOTHING around the house, that he does everything. My favourite time was when he was stood telling the Tesco delivery driver this - as I was lugging all the crates into our kitchen and emptying them (for the order that I placed) and the Tesco driving glancing at me repeatedly whilst also looking incredulously at him as if admiring my restraint for not pointing out the obvious right there and then.

The worst thing is, these men GENUINELY BELIEVE what they're saying. All we do is nag. It's so laughable yet so frustrating. My husband does 3 loads of laundry at the weekend and seems to think that's everything done. Conveniently forgets I cook every day, tidy and clean the kitchen daily, tidy up the random crap that gets left places, clean the bathrooms/toilet, sort the kids lunches, take the kids to school/clubs as needed, do all the mental load of planning and organising everything, go to all the school meetings, etc, etc, etc. last weekend I told him I was going to stop doing everything I do if he really believes I do nothing. That shut him up pretty quickly.

I'm liking the idea of a list to present to him. We both work full time, have very similar income (his maybe £4-£5k more) so he can't/shouldn't argue that the work should be split anything but evenly.

OP - good luck and please know you're not alone.., pm me if you get a new patio and need an alibi 😉

I don't think you should make a competing list, that would just be sinking to his level and you'll just end up in a pass agg loop that will be a total waste of your time and energy.

Pick a time when the kids are in bed, let him know beforehand that you want a serious talk. Look him in the eye and tell him exactly out of order he is being, how it makes you feel and how much work you do. Ask him why he is behaving like this and actually sit and listen for his answer (many selfish men don't actually have a good reason or they think they do but when they articulate it they realise how petty they're being).

With three kids under 5 I'd definitely be adding 'get a vasectomy' to his To Do list.

If my husband was telling delivery drivers I did ‘nothing’ honestly I’d think it was well beyond saving. The level of disrespect is beyond the line, and these men believing doing the minimum is enough is already utterly disrespectful. You deserve better than you have, you’d still be doing everything if he wasn’t around so what’s the point of him?

My husband isn't ignoring me, but he does get resentful at times when I leave "chores" for him to do, like not emptying the bins.
If he makes a comment I tend to respond with a list of the stuff he doesn't do, like shopping, food prep or admin.
It's not that much about the fact that I did it because these are things I'm better at, but more about putting things back into perspective that emptying the bins is a 5 min job in comparison.

He's denigrating you to the Tesco driver?

He'd have an awful lot more "chores" if you split and insisted on 50/50 custody.... Is that little list ALL he's done?

Do NOT talk vaguely about 'working as a team'. Even if he responds, you will still be doing the lion's share and he will still think he's fucking Decent Dan.

Do the list of what you do.
Show him.
Compare it to his list.
Tell him that decent men don't exploit other humans for their own gain, which is what he's doing.

I've said this a million times before but male exploitation of women is so ubiquitous that it's like the air that we breathe - we don't even see it.

Do your list (secretly) then ask him to do his list then offer to swap with him.

I will be really interested to know how you get on?

What do you do for him now that you will think he will miss?

It it a meal made for him, his laundry washed, dried and put away, his morning drink?

This is horrible advice. Going tit for tat and showing this level of contempt for each other is a recipe for disaster. Its a marriage killer. If you can’t break the impasse with humor and return to love the marriage is doomed.