DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

We have 3 small children under 5. Both work full time . The last few months DH seems to be really resentful of being asked to do anything and has started to ignore me when I call his name. ‘DH , please can you get the potty ( because I’m feeding the children )’

He has always listed the things he does
I’ve hovered up again .
I’ve washed up 3 times today already !
I picked the children up from Nursery and played within them for an hour until you got home.

He is their father ! I would say I do three times as much as DH but wouldn’t even think about listing that I’ve changed 10 nappies , made dinner , dressed the children, swept up , gone shopping , been up since 6am.

Lately when I call him to help he has admitted he ignores me . This has been noticeable and has really hurt me .

I feel DH is creating a narrative that I’m always asking / moaning and it’s so hard on him as he is exhausted.

I don’t want this narrative of me being a nag and him listing off his jobs. I’m fed up. I do alot and DH gets off lightly at times . We both work FT.

When I tried to discuss this easier he said I am being sensitive !

Advice please .

My ex was and is still like this. When he uses the term ‘coparenting’ I genuinely have to stifle a laugh. He says ‘I do as much as you do, I feed the kids, wash clothes, play with them!’. He didn’t and still doesn’t see absolutely everything else that needs doing beyond the very very basics. Unfortunately it’s a hard line to walk, making your own list is tit for tat (and why should you have to?), ignoring him builds resentment. And resentment leads to having a very irritating ex that you have to ‘co parent’ with for the next few years as you carry on doing 99% of everything regardless…

Exactly. He's not going to take any notice.

Rule is nobody sits down until it’s all done. Works for us.

No don’t stoop to his passive aggressive bullshit game playing level. Sit down and tell him how it makes you feel, to stop it and step up.

I’d rather do it all alone than have a miserable grump in my home.

And this, dear woman, is exactly what he is working on.

Both working full-time and 3 children under 5 is always going to be really really hard work. I think outside help is the only answer. Neither of you have an easy life.

his sounds a fuck ton easier than hers

Urgh. My ex was like this about washing up after I made dinner. He’d take his phone into the kitchen to watch something on high volume, spend 30 mins washing plates, gets highly irritated if anyone ‘disturbed’ him, and expected praise for doing it. Note, he never washed the sink or surfaces because ‘that’s not washing dishes’ meant. I was called ungrateful a lot…

Ew. I couldn’t tolerate this. What a big, useless baby.

You both work F/T. You shouldn’t have to ‘ask’ him to do anything as it’s a partnership. And the fact he’s spinning this ‘asking’ into ‘nagging’ tells you all you need to know about his lack of respect for you. What a pig.

What is he doing whilst ignoring your calls for help, OP?

I think PP’s idea of ‘no one sits down til it’s all done’ is a good one.

It is terribly wearing having to be the thinker / director of everything - he should be capable of knowing and seeing what needs to be done - and bloody well help get on with it!

Problem may be that he truly believes at some level that you are responsible for childcare and housekeeping, so anything he does is impressive rather than just necessary, and gives him a credit balance that means you should do everything for a given amount of time until his credit runs low and it's time for him to take on another job. Very difficult to deal with, but a few sessions with a couples counsellor might help to make these things conscious so the two of you have a chance to work out some more reasonable arrangement.

Many years ago I emailed my own list to my husband including all the 'mental load' jobs. After reading that, he shut up for good!

In this day & age, there are still plenty of men who bag themselves a nice woman but neglect to tell her that they have a very 1950s view of marriage. The woman only finds out when it's too late that their husband view of fatherhood was one where they basically lead their lives much as it was before, with the woman taking on most or all of the childcare, and the fathers just picking up the fun parts.

I'm sorry OP, but you might not be able to tackle this with reason. It's a good idea to list out everything you do, but don't expect he'll respond to that.

Even if he sees you're doing more, it may not matter. If his ideal scenario is that he does absolutely nothing at all and he feels entitled to that, that everything baby & house related should be on you, then you will get exasperated and upset trying to fight your corner.

Let's say your ideal scenario is that you do 50 / 50. If his ideal scenario is 0 /100, then the closest you're probably going to get with him is a 25 / 75 split, if that.

This. He thinks he's having to do you a favour all the time, that you're failing yo meet (his) expectations, and that you're a big meanie to expect him to do all of that.

this is very true. My exH had a completely sexist useless father and many of his friends (though not all) had very 1950s style relationships. When we split he was genuinely aggrieved because he “had never been out of work”. A man from a very affluent middle class home who went to top schools and had been bankrolled into an excellent career wanted a medal for going to work every day.

Interestingly I had never been out of work either but it seems working full time while haven’t kids isn’t as impressive or tiring when you have a vagina.

Who wants to live in a boot camp. It sounds awful. I'd hate it.

‘no one sits down til it’s all done’

Depends what it is - not all housework is important. Some of it is actually less important than sitting down.

He sounds a bit thick. You have 3 small children. This is the trenches of parenting. It’s constant and exhausting. No list will change this. He needs to get off his ass and realise that leisure time = zero.

Yeah this - or just text him every time you do a job

nappy
bin
cooked
dinner
bath

just constantly. Or maybe ask Siri to send a message to him so he can hear you doing it.

or fuck off for a few days with an emergency and leave him to it. Sick relative. Maybe get a puking bug? Go away for the day then ‘accidentally’ get stranded

but he sounds like a dick.

You both work full time! Good grief, I thought you were going to say you were a SAHM but even then is attitude would be poor.
Tell him to f'ck right off with his lists or if you want to be churlish (which I wouldn't blame you for) do a long list of you own and then tell him for f'ck right off.
Why is looking after his own children a chore!? Thats just a general parenting requirement surely??

This is the precursor situation to so many threads we see on here - mum overloaded, dad not doing his share. Both working full time. I don’t know what the answer is - the longer I’m on mumsnet the more i think that most men do not really want children. I am a modern woman and of course believe we should be absolutely equals - but honestly - is what we have equality?? No. We are just ignoring the ‘job’ of creating new people that women do, and then the equality bit is us being expected (to some degree) by society to be working full time ASWELL. It’s bollocks imo. It’s not possible to have three young children, two full time jobs, and a bloody fabulous home life. Unless you have a lot of help from others paid or family. If anyone has the secret please share!!! I’m not sure there’s anything you can do op because the truth is, even if you threatened divorce you’d still have all the workload AND probably even less help. I would try and throw some money at the issues and get some outside help so you can try and refund yourselves you & DH. wishing you all the luck xxxx

Good for you. Do tell him all this. If he says you're being sensitive or any other crap, stop him and say you need a sensible adult conversation and you will not accept accusations or personal insults.

I've just had a very similar situation with my xh who also happens to be my business partner. In his head he does all the work where in reality he has it very easy. He comes to work 4 days a week and does the actual job. Nothing else. I also do 4 days of the physical job, but also cover staff absence so realistically usually work 5 or even 6 days. I do all the paperwork, bookkeeping, payroll, rotas, 99% of the ordering, basically everything that actually keeps the business running.

Today he's told me I do nothing so my response was that I'll take next week off. I never take a week off unless I'm actually leaving the country. But as I do nothing I won't be missed surely?! The only thing I'll do is the payroll as I wouldn't let the staff suffer, but I might not pay him to make him think I haven't done it😂

Annoying.

Is he doing it because he feels (not necessarily correctly) underappreciated. So he wants praise for doing stuff but isn't getting it so trying to draw attention. Everyone wants notice for what they do but I do think men are a bit more likely to feel put out for not getting a fanfare - either as the breadwinner, or for "helping" with the kids/house. So long as it isn't downplaying what you do, doing you down in the process this isn't so bad and it doesn't hurt to show appreciation (but that should be reciprocated)

Otherwise he is trying to set up a narrative where he is hard done by which undermines you in the process. In which case you "noticing" the things he does will make him worse not better.

Yup another that says start listing!!!