My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

[Keenrower]

Dds best friends mum has sadly passed away. Dd is very close to the children. Is it appropriate to bring my daughter to the funeral. I'm sorry for asking on here but we have never been in such a situation before. 💔 for such a lovely family. Just to add dd is 10

@12FreeRangeEggs makes a really good point.

The child may well not take comfort from seeing her BFF sat in the arms of her mother whilst she buries her own.

Whilst you may think it is supportive for you both to go along, it might feel horrible to someone who has just lost their mother. It's a poignant reminder of everything she has just lost, to see you and your DD sitting there together. I really, really wouldn't. I certainly wouldn't without asking what the family want. It is about their needs - no one else's and as @Isabel99 says - a lot of children who have lost a parent really need the space to process it in their own way. They don't want to be the centre of attention or for a spotlight to be turned on them when they are grieving and vulnerable. They often want their friends to stay away and to be able to keep up 'normal' life with their friends. They don't want to share their experience with them. They want to keep this part of their life separate and it's really important that people don't intrude, believing they are helping, or doing something for the best.

I know someone who lost her father whilst at primary school and she once told me that one of her friends came to the funeral along with another girl who was the class bitch. She said she silently struggled through the service feeling furious, impotent rage that they were there, as they sat at the back all tearful and brave, and then they displayed pretty 'party manners' at the wake and all the adults patted them on the head and said how lovely they were, and how kind they were to come support 'their little friend'. She said she never spoke to either of them again and she still hates the fact that they intruded on her father's funeral. To her, it was unforgiveable.

I think op it’s about supporting the friend in the way they most need and I very much agree with posters that the weeks after will be so important if you can offer a place to come to for fun and change of scenery from home without mum ( though I would caution against sleepovers at first ).
I think the friend would appreciate having dd at the wake. I’m a bit hesitant about the service. I just think it could potentially be the wrong thing and don’t feel it is the moment that would provide the most support.
However, I have always remembered that when my grandmother - to whom I was very close - died, a large bunch of flowers came to the family from our second cousins, but with it was the prettiest little posy I have ever seen, with tiny forget -me-knots, miniature roses and other small spring flowers such as white narcissus. It had a tiny card in a little envelope with just my name on it, and inside read “ To Calli, holding you close in my heart, with love, your cousin Kate [girl my age].” I cannot tell you how much it meant to have that sent just to me as a young girl at that sad time, and I remember looking at it on my bedside table and really feeling so loved and thought of as an individual, as well as the usual condolences for the rest of the family. I wonder if before the funeral you could send something similar from your Dd? Often the children get a bit passed over with the flowers and a little personal bunch sort of speaks between the girls directly. I wonder if this wouldn’t be a more appropriate way to support thd friend at the funeral stage, and she will have them to go home to afterwards as well .

Really? I can imagine a million, and even cases where it might be perceived as disappointing a child's friends weren't there.

It really does depend on the family's culture, and I don't mean nationality. There are plenty of British families who like / need to be surrounded with love in times of tragedy, and ones in particular for ones who practice a faith it would be standard practice for their faith family including children to be around at the funeral.

OP is that not to much for your daughter to be seeing. A mum with young children has passed away, it's going to be really traumatic for the people there and will be traumatic for your daughter to watch that grief

I know because my partners mum passed away when he was 11 and have been told by the family friends that going to that funeral was one of the most distressing and sad times of their life and that it has stuck in their mind for a long long time

I am Irish and would 100% be brought to a friends parents funeral. I mention my nationality as i dont understand the concept of keeping children away from funerals. We called it the big sleep. It comes across as a taboo which i dont understand. Ar dheis go raibh a hAnam dìlis - may her gentle soul rest in peace.

Yes, me too.

Particularly the funeral of my aunt who died very tragically in her late twenties. I was nine. My other aunt didn't let her children who were the same ages as me and my sisters go and I think she was right.
I'm sure it was the general circumstances, everyone shocked and grieving and not just the funeral itself but I really do wish we had been shielded more from it all because it was far too much to process at that age. It can be the first time children really grasp the concept of mortality, that people can die young, that you can lose somebody so important to you. It caused me a lot of worry and anxiety for a long time afterwards. I've had therapy as an adult and learned to use cbt techniques to rationalise some of the very intense fears I've had since that time, of death and of grief.
OP, the thing is you have no way of knowing what it's going to be like and no control over it obviously. You know your daughter and how well she's likely to handle seeing raw grief like that. With all the points pp's have made, particularly that you don't know if the daughter herself is actually going, I think I'd just ask the family.

I was not able to attend th3 funeral of a friend's brother and really regretted it.
I went to plenty of funerals as a child and it was a positive experience. They're an important part of the mourning process.

Just ask the family what their wishes are OP.

Firstly ask the family, if they mind you bringing your daughter. If they are happy to do so, and you believe your daughter will cope with a funeral, then ask her if she'd like to go. The choice to attend, must absolutely be hers and if she'd rather not go, then she needs to know that is okay too. She may feel a sense of guilt if she doesn't, because of her friend, but truly may not want to go. The other child is going to be distraught, and will probably only want to be with her family. To be honest if it was my son, there is no way he'd have coped with a funeral at 10 years old. I probably would have taken him to the Wake instead of the service. All children are individual and cope differently. I didn't go to my first funeral until I was 15, when my Aunt died, and that was bad enough, I was beside myself with grief.

You've had so many different responses OP so can only offer mine from someone whose Mum died at almost exactly that age - I was so, so glad to have friends at the funeral. I found the service incredibly sad and it meant so much to me to see them there, and we all had a fun time at the wake afterwards as strange as that may sound.

More recently my similarly aged DD attended the funeral of her friend's Dad (who was also a friend of me and DH). Her friend's Mum was really pleased DD was willing to go (we did ask) and although she was the only guest child at the service, lots of kids came to the wake and again had a good time.

The wake can have joyful elements and I imagine your DD's friend's family is planning to make it child friendly. All of us adults at the recent funeral I mentioned were pleased to see all the kids running around, a reminder of life going on in the midst of grief, and their happiness bringing some light to the generally awful day.

DS friend's parent died and DS was invited to the funeral. After the service it was bittersweet because the kids were running about and playing/chatting innocently like children do. A stark contrast to the sad occasion, where there were lots of tears from the adults. It was quite touching to see the innocence of youth at such am adult event. I think you'd be fine to take your DC to the funeral.

If the family and your DD are fine with it, then definitely go. When the girls are older, it may be really helpful for the friend to have someone who is a connection back to this really important, albeit very hard and sad, day in her life.

One of the Mums at school died and her kids had friends at the funeral. They even ran around a bit and played at the wake. They wanted to do something normal in the face of overwhelming tragedy. Everyone's grief is different.

My sons best friend mum died when they were 9, albeit during Covid, so we didn't attend the funeral. We did go to the roadside to see the hearse off, and the boys were able to have a very quick hug. I know it meant a lot to him and my son has been the one he turns to in class etc if things are a bit much. They remain very close. I'm so sad either of them had to go through it, but glad my son has learned about stepping up for a friend in a time of need

I would take her if she wants to go.