My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

[Keenrower]

Dds best friends mum has sadly passed away. Dd is very close to the children. Is it appropriate to bring my daughter to the funeral. I'm sorry for asking on here but we have never been in such a situation before. 💔 for such a lovely family. Just to add dd is 10

When I was young my best friends father died. I was about the same age as your child. I went to the funeral

I would definitely ask the family. The little girl is going to be upset and you don't know if it would distress her further to have friends see her upset. Everyone is different and children do not process or perceive things in the same way as adults do.

I went to a funeral for a woman who had children aged 9 and 11. They had several friends there, who all ran off steam during the wake playing a huge game of tag in the wooded garden of the hotel. Everyone loved it, but it was agreed beforehand.

Best to check with the family OP.

I think you should take your daughter.

We took both our children and another child who wished to come to my DD’s best friend’s Mum’s funeral. They wanted to come and whilst sad it was not a solemn or frightening occasion.

We were sadly in this situation this summer - we asked the family and DS was very much welcomed to come and support his friend. It has paid dividends in the new school year as well as his friend hasn't needed to tell everyone again about his mum - all his friends were there, they know what's going on, and can all move forward together as a friend group supporting him.

I was worried how DS would react as it was his first funeral but he and his friends were in much better shape than all the adults, who were in pieces.

I would ask the family, especially as some children do not attend their parents funeral themselves. You could cause more upset than comfort as it affects everyone differently.

As someone who’s mother died when I was a sort of similar age 12/13, absolutely take your daughter, I would encourage you if I’m honest.

the service part, there were so many people I didn’t know they were there, but the food part afterwards it was great. We ate food and chatted and sorted played. Was very good a couple of my friends were there, meant all the adults could do the adulty stuff.

obviously your daughters friend may want to stay with adults but equally she may not. Plus I’m sure it would mean a lot to your daughters friend, her family and her mum that you and she were there.

them coming wasn’t agreed in advance, though it was a everyone is welcome funeral.

I'd be horrified if my friend had seen me distressed at that age so I'm on the side of not taking DD.

I probably wouldn't tbh. I wouldn't want to put my 10 year old through the trauma of a distressing funeral they didn't need to go to

Yes you should take her so she can grieve too.

Took my then 6 year old to my Mothers funeral . She was absolutely fine and I could see that although it was obviously sad to say goodbye it’s also remembering and a celebration of someone’s life and her presence brought a smile to those that were there . (As an aside as they were close also took her with me to see GM in her coffin at the hospital mortuary - she peered in and said ‘ she’s definitely dead mummy she’s not breathing ‘ )
As others have said no harm in saying to the organiser you’ll be coming with your daughter if that’s ok .
Sorry for your loss.

Does DD want to go? I think it would be a good thing to take her but only if she's totally up for it.

The dad of very close friends of mine passed away when I was 11. My parents went to the funeral but I didn’t. My friends needed their family, not me. I was too young to understand what they were going through at that time and I have never once thought my parents made the wrong decision in not taking me.

I'd honestly ask. If there will be loads of adults who love the child and WANT to talk with her and who are close and want to comfort her, but don't know your child at all, having another random kid hanging around might be annoying. Although equally, having another child to bring the kid comfort and distract her while her adults are busy engaging in conversation with loads of adults the kid barely knows, might be just awesome.

My DH died when my son was 8. Three of his close friends came (they were all family friends). In all the blur I can't remember if I asked them or they asked me. I knew the vicar and made him aware about the children (there wer neices and nephews too) and he did a lovely, gentle service that involved them. As far as I remember the children didn't really interact much (except one boy had thoughtfully brought my son a football keyring). But now, three years later, I think my son really appreciates that they were there 'for him' and shared such a significant event with them. I would ask the family - they may well appreciate the thought even if it can't be accommodated
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oh thats so sad. I always take children to funerals and for this one, it would be lovely for your daughter to support her friend on the day and at the wake. Its a lot for a ten year old but then its a lot for a ten year old. It would bring comfort to her friend to see a friendly face imo

I didn't even think that the children may not attend, that's a good point.

At 10, and accustomed to church services, I think I would talk to your daughter about it and follow her lead. Especially given that she will have known that the mother was ill.

My daughter was younger, I think 7 nearly 8 (or possibly one year older) when her close friend's mother died over the summer - but so far as any of us knew it was unexpected. Several parents went to the funeral but only one classmate as far as I recall. I had briefly wondered about calling the father to discuss bringing my daughter but didn't feel confident that it would help her interactions with her friend going forward, so went on my own.

I would definitely go if the family wants it. Funerals are a part of life and it will actually help your daughter as well as her friend.

I'd say definitely not. The family have enough to cope with. I really can't imagine a scenario where this would be ok.

I lost a parent at a similar age as the friend. Personally I wouldn’t have wanted a school friend there as an observer of my private grief. It was bad enough having all my peers told about it at school and having to be pitied by all my classmates. Also I think a funeral is quite a different thing for a child compared to an adult. It felt much more performative and it was strange getting so much attention -perhaps because the grief was so insurmountable it wasn’t possible to really address it in a short church service. Having a friend at the wake might have been better as I spent most of the time offering relatives cups of tea and receiving well meaning but usually fairly insensitive comments from distant relatives.

Ask the family. Same happened in our family, DD was slightly older, I checked with her and she was really happy to have her bestie there. Really helped at the wake after.

I would check with the family, but it sounds like a nice idea. I didn't take my 10YO DD to her best friends mum's funeral and I wish I had. Another 10YO friend was there, and it was nice for the bereaved friend to have support.