My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

[Keenrower]

Dds best friends mum has sadly passed away. Dd is very close to the children. Is it appropriate to bring my daughter to the funeral. I'm sorry for asking on here but we have never been in such a situation before. 💔 for such a lovely family. Just to add dd is 10

Sorry, I see @Hatty65 has said something already about the children maybe not wanting their friends there. This is what worried me - if I think of being that age.

But when the other child is distraught and your child isn't sure how to react? Or she may try playing or ask to play roblox. No def no appropriate

My mum died when I was 8, and my whole class attended her funeral, it was the catholic church adjacent to the school. Never actually gave it a thought at the time, other than wondering why my bf was crying when it wasn't her mum that had died. It is kind that you are thinking of your DD friend, maybe see how she feels about attending the funeral, and then
a brief message to the family to see if they are ok with that.

Personally, I wouldn't take my child of that age to a funeral that could be avoided. I would be more inclined to have her at the wake, if anything at all.

@DappledThings I disagree with your thoughts that it's better not to attend than to just attend part - I went to the service of a friend's stepdad earlier in the year. Couldn't make the wake after as I had childcare issues, but there's no way I wouldn't have shown my support at all.

In Ireland it wouldn't even be a question, if a parent of my child's friend dies of course we go to the funeral. I understand the culture of death is different in the UK though so I'd maybe check it was OK with a family member

@Keenrower have your DD what she wants to do? She might not want to go.

you know your child… will this cause upset for her when she sees the coffin? Worries about losing you?

Personally I think going to the wake would be better given that she won’t even be sitting with her firend.

My sibling died when I was younger than the BFF and my parents did not take me to the funeral even though I wanted to go (I absolutely understand their reasoning). At 10, the only way I would not take the child in OP's shoes is if I felt she would struggle to cope with the situation.

People are saying, "ask the family", but the OP's daughter's friend IS the family. It was her mother who died. Why should only the adult members of the family get to have their friends come to offer respects and support and none of the child's. I appreciate that a chid won't offer the same kind of support and as an adult needs, and may feel confused and upset (though that is hardly unusual at a funeral). But maybe the sight of a known face of their own age in a sea full of mourners would be very welcome to to OP's daughter's friend.

Wow that's awful @Hoogieflip !

I think it sounds like a nice idea op, but I agree with checking in with someone in the family

@Keenrower having lost my daughter, it was heartening to see grandchildrens' friends with their parents at her funeral. please do it. x

That sounds like you are fairly close to the Family- Ask Dad and see if he minds?

I would advise against this, I think she is too young (your DD).

Mum of one of DC's friends died. Another Mum took her 3 DC to the funeral, who were loudly sobbing during service and distracting. So I'd say no

That's very true- but still best check with the Dad.
{My own Mum died when I was 2.5 yrs old, and I wasn't taken to the Funeral}

I do remember going to the Cemetery later though.

Its clear that you feel, you want to help in some way, which is very kind but How does your DD feel? At 10 she's quite young to take on that role.

I think it might be putting a lot of pressure for her to feel she has a role, has to step up and behave in a certain way, as its hard to know what that role is and whether it would be welcomed because grief can be so irrational and contrary. Even when people know its with the best of intentions.

I think it's better that you as an adult can judge how to help the friend, maybe knowing that there will be invites to tea after school in future, and so on would be easier on both than a formal greeting at a such an emotional funeral.

Your DD's friend will still feel supported with a kind message and the knowledge that you will both still be there for her in the longer term.

As to attendance. It really depends on the family and the type of funeral. Some can be welcoming events, some can be very difficult. Also depends on how the bereaved child feels. Perhaps she wants her grief to be private on that day and may not want a school friend there.
It is very difficult to predict how people might feel at that exact time. At a close funeral I remember a distant cousin coming up and chatting to me as we walked to the grave site. He thought he was being really nice and he was but I just wanted to tell him to shut up and go away. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts at that time and felt it was really intrusive, having to be polite when all I wanted was a few moments to think.

So I think The most important thing is that your DD's friend feels she has a kind friend in her radar the day afterwards... and day after that, when all the fuss and attention has died down. Its the long term support that matters. That might be easier for your DD too.

Death is really the last Taboo in UK.

It's kept so hidden away - in other Countries it's more 'accepted'.

Why shouldn't children cry at funerals? They are after all very
sad occasions, especially when someone younger dies.

If someone is in their Nineties after a life well lived, it's less traumatising , generally.

If your child has not seen the family since their mum passed, I don’t think it’s appropriate for the first time to see them would be at the funeral. Your DDs friend will be dealing with a whole lot of emotions that she doesn’t understand and may feel embarrassed to know her friend has seen her in that way and not also know how to react when she sees her when upset

I think it’s more appropriate for you to go to the funeral and maybe go and get your DD and bring her to the wake where things will be less formal and more relaxed if you sense that this will be ok (or even better ask if ok to bring DD over after the service)

Also speak to the family and say that you are always open to having the friend overnight for a sleepover in the coming weeks to give her a change of scenery

Hard one, I went to a friend's funeral at 11 and was absolutely distraught. Stayed with me for a long time.

Depends on how you feel your daughter would cope to be honest. Maybe just go to the wake x

My husband died a few months ago and it hugely helped my 10 year old daughter to have her friends there.

He had been a youth football coach in his spare time and the team came in their kit. My daughter drew pictures and put them up and having so many children turned it from a day I had been dreading into a really beautiful, caring and loving day. Obviously it is different for everyone but all of the children who attended had been a huge part of his life. Both my children have talked since about the support of their friends that day.

This has brought tears to my eyes..
That's so lovely.

He must have been a lovely Coach for the children to have attended like this.

What a terrible thing for that mother to say!

Yes, this.

It’s not troubling them. Drop a quick text. And if it is ok to take her, make sure she’s prepared.

I was 10 years old when my mother died.

My two best friends and their parents came to the rosary and the funeral. My father, sister and I were deeply moved as they practiced different religions to our catholic faith.

I remember being overwhelmed with so many grown-ups that it was comforting to have my two friends around. It made me feel less alone.

My mother was ill for over four years and her final days were very hard. I was so desperate to have some sort of normalcy that after the funeral and the reception, it was nice to hang around them and play for a little while and we talked about the tv I had missed out on and happenings with our other friends and the like. I just wanted to be a kid again. Obviously, those four years made me feel like I had a heavy weight and that I wouldn't be a kid anymore but those two friends reminded me that I was still just like them.

I'm 54 years old now and I am still friends with those two beautiful women. I will never forget that they were there for me when I needed them.

My only experience is going to the funeral of a friend who died suddenly leaving behind 2 children 13 & 10. When I spoke to his wife she said the 10 year old just wanted to do everything ie school, football as usual. Your daughter’s friend may welcome time with your daughter just to escape a while from the grieving adults and heavily sad atmosphere. But I would message the family first as a courtesy.

I'd absolutely take her OP. I don't see why you'd need to ask the family either.

We lost a very close family member very suddenly when my DD was 7 and I "protected" her from everything funeral/death related. With hindsight, this was completely wrong. My DS is 11 and has been to at least six funerals - including those of his grandmother, his great grandmother, two uncles, an aunt and a young cousin who died tragically and very unexpectedly. He's also spent time with the open caskets of all of the above and did a reading at two of the funerals.

I can honestly and genuinely say that he's so much more accepting and less afraid of death than his older sister. She's an adult now and struggles with a mild to moderate phobia of death and some fairly debilitating anxiety. Obviously not all caused by how I handled that death when she was a child but it definitely didn't help.