My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

[Keenrower]

Dds best friends mum has sadly passed away. Dd is very close to the children. Is it appropriate to bring my daughter to the funeral. I'm sorry for asking on here but we have never been in such a situation before. 💔 for such a lovely family. Just to add dd is 10

Not at all criticising your view, as it is valid. But it does very much depend on the child and type of funeral. It’s not a blanket no, at all.

im coming from the pov of the bereaved child, and honestly at the time and now looking back, I am very grateful a couple of my friends came. It meant the world.

This is what I'm thinking

I took my slightly younger two, to my uncles funeral. They were fine, and my Grandmother appreciated them being there.
Many others mentioned this too.
They were well behaved and dressed appropriately.
I regretted not going to my fathers as a young teen.

I think you can ask - and the fact that you want to be there is a form of support even if the family would prefer your daughter not to be there

I did. I checked with the family first and I think it helped

Going through the same thing but a smidge older. Yes, take her! Prepare her before hand so nothing is a surprise.

@Keenrower You HAVE to ask the family,

Please, please don't assume - all these posters saying, 'It's fine'. 'It would be lovely' are only speaking from their own point of view. They think it would be.

Not everyone does. DD's close friend lost her mother whilst in school. DD would have happily gone to support but friend was absolutely adamant that she DID NOT WANT her friends there. She was teenaged and able to articulate this to them. Similarly, DS's best friend lost his youngest brother in a very tragic accident. Again - he DID NOT WANT his friends there, trying to support him at his brother's funeral. They offered. He declined very firmly. You have no idea whether the bereaved child wants your dd there, or if the bereaved father wants other children there.

You MUST ask the family. It would be so dreadful to add more stress, anger or anxiety to them at this time, which you very well could do if you listen to complete strangers telling you it's a great idea, or such a lovely thing to do.

Not everyone feels the same.

I agree you should gently ask the family if it's OK for dd to attend with you. It sounds as though they are close and you are also friends with the family.
Do consider going to the wake as well - just prepare your daughter that you don't know how it will go - her friend may not spend much time with her at either. But equally the family may be glad she has someone her own age to be with while they may be occupied with all the other friends, family etc who are there.

No I would not take a 10 year old to support a friend. It's a grown up responsibility and an adult would be better placed to reassure and comfort a child at a funeral. Grandparents, uncles and aunts etc will be there to do it. It may also worry your DC and cause then undue stress.

I wouldn't burden the family at this time by asking about the appropriateness or otherwise of your DD attending her BFF mum's funeral. They have enough to worry about without questions around etiquette.

I'd go with DD, having explained things to her first, and sit quietly at the back. You can gauge how things are going with DD's friend, and decide at the end of the service whether or not to make your presence known to her.

Funerals are important, and DD's BFF might well appreciate her friend being there. But if it looks like she's very upset and just wants to be with her family, then just quietly slip out afterwards.

I was also going to say that the cultural and religious background is relevant. In the Church of Scotland children did not traditionally attend funeral services (although that is changing for older children), at least in my part of Scotland, but it is routine in the Roman Catholic Church for children of all ages to be in attendance.

The fact that the OPs child has a Christian understanding of death and is used to being in church will make a big difference too. I'd have a wee chat with her beforehand about how a funeral service differs from a Sunday service - whether people gather outside for the hearse to arrive or go in first, where the coffin is positioned etc.

I think it depends on DD. We recently went to the funeral of a young father with small children. My SD14 was mature enough to go and although it was a very hard day for her, she wanted to pay her respects. Bringing DD4 would have been absolutely inappropriate, she would have quickly got bored, interrupted the ceremony and not understood the situation. It would also have been confusing and traumatic to see all the adults crying and falling apart. His own children (2 and 4) were not in attendance for the same reasons.

Your DD is 10 so in between my two. Will she behave appropriately and will she be able to cope with the gravity of the situation? You will know better than any mumsnetter.

Not the UK. England, and Wales a bit. White English (and in particular CofE & non-religious) people can be restrictive about who attends funeral. Every other culture I've encountered here (working in a Catholic church in a ethnically very diverse area) is the opposite - like in Ireland, it can be considered rude if you don't go to a funeral. If you knew the deceased or their family in any way, you should go the the funeral, children included.

So, OP, it depends where you are. If you're in England and it's not a Catholic funeral, ask the family. If you're in another country and/or they are Catholic, just go.

My gut feeling is yes. My dd is 10 and she would absolutely want to attend. She is mature enough to deal with it IMO.

I haven't been in this situation though, so it's probably best to check.

My mum died around that age. I had my two best friends sat with me at the funeral and with me at the wake. It was helpful to have that support.

Not my experience at all. White English, CofE all the way including generations of vicars in the family. Never known children to be anything other than expected at funerals without anything being explicitly said. Going back decades.

It is a lovely thing to do OP.
If the girls stay friends in the future (hope they do) this is something your daughters friend won’t forget and when she is mature enough to understand the enormity of it, she will see what a fab pal she has always had.

What does your daughter think?
At 10, I think she'd probably be fine but that obviously depends on her and whether you think she'd be ok too.

Talk to your daughter, explain what funerals are all about and what will happen, then ask her if she'd like to be there. I don't understand why so many people think you should check with the family. In my experience, that's not how funerals work.

I think you going to the funeral is a good idea- it demonstrates that you are prepared to be a good friend to this family-
im less certain about bringing your daughter.
(and certainly not as support for her friend)

that’s being said by a parent who has taken children from 3 y up to funerals of family (older aunts, grand mother, older cousins)

If the woman who died was quite young – I’m assuming she was – then the funeral is likely to be very well attended. There could be over 100 people there. You and your daughter are not going to stand out, as you said you will sit quietly at the back and she knows how to behave. The family may not even notice you were there until the end.

As an adult, I took great comfort from seeing people at my parents’ funerals who were old friends. Some of them didn’t even come to the wake, but I knew they had been. Going forward, it might be helpful for your daughters’ friend to know she also remembers the funeral.

If it’s an open invitation, I would definitely go to the reception afterwards even if only briefly. The friend might be delighted to see someone of her own age. You’ll judge it for yourself.

I don’t see why the funeral should distress her, other than if she sees her friend upset. There will be readings, music, probably a lot of laughter. Much of it will go over your DD’s head. Death is part of life. So what if she sees adults crying? Hiding grief and pretending it’s not happening is not a great preparation for adult life.

I wouldn’t bother the family, they’ve got enough to think about. They will be pleased to see you there showing your respect for your friend.

100%

Sometimes it's just time to be with your family and especially at that age they might not want their friends to see them that upset

I think taking your dd to the wake might be lovely as they can be together but realistically she won’t sit with her friend at the funeral so it will only upset your dd and not provide comfort for the other children. And it might be even be more disturbing for the friends if dd was visibly upset; children often respond to things by observing how those round them are responding. Alternatively they might feel awkward about their own distress. Would you be able to collect her in between the service and the wake ?

I think efforts would be better placed offering support after the funeral, when all the well-wishing / adrenaline has died down, and the family are facing adjustment to the new normal. Be the supportive friend, invite the child over, help with childcare etc. Long term this child will need the support, in the simple day to day of life. Not on the day of a funeral.

Sorry, I should clarify. I mean CofE funerals rather than practising CofE. There still tend to be a lot of people who end up with a CofE funeral as a default when they weren't really any religion much, or were nominally Anglican. This happens less with other churches and religions in England because of being the Established Church. My personal experience is that practising Anglicans still don't have the same degree of cultural expectation that the whole wider community will attend every funeral as Catholics do, but it's true that it's stronger than in the secular world.