My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

[Keenrower]

Dds best friends mum has sadly passed away. Dd is very close to the children. Is it appropriate to bring my daughter to the funeral. I'm sorry for asking on here but we have never been in such a situation before. 💔 for such a lovely family. Just to add dd is 10

@Keenrower Sadly there have been several parents at my DDs primary that have passed away since we’ve been going. I think my first point would be speak to the school. There is a chance the family have already spoken to them on how best to support the child/children.

After that I would see if any other parents know about the funeral arrangements or even speak to the funeral home as they will know what the family want.

Your DDs best friend may not be in the right headspace to want your dd there or it may be just what she needs, no one can really tell you.

Personally, as long as it wasn’t specifically said no children, I’d take my 10yo dd making sure she understood she’d be with me and only to spend time with her friend if her friend wanted it and after the service.

I'd think the child would be supported by family on day of the funeral. Perhaps take your DD to the wake. I'd check with family what they think would be best fir the child

Well I took my eldest son to the funeral of my childhoods BF’s mum’s funeral. He did know her though, and him and my god-daughter used to call her ‘great Aunt Anne’ as a term of endearment. My other two children didn’t know her well but my friend wouldn’t have minded at all had I taken them. To be honest she was so crushed I doubt she even registered who attended and it’s nice to add to the numbers. I know for my dad’s funeral it was nice to see lots of mourners.

Unless my daughter was really close to the mum and needed to go for her own well being ,then no I wouldn't take her. It is not necessary. It's for the family to decide how best to support the children ,I'm sure they've spent a lot of time doing so. If you wish to go to show your support then that's enough and you can offer a play date. I wouldn't want my 10 year old to experience this if she doesn't need to.

My husband died in an accident this summer. I have three children, one which is ten. She wanted one specific friend at the funeral who had previously lost her mother and was very clear she didn’t want any of her other friends to attend because she wanted to keep those two worlds separate. At a time when the children’s world has been turned upside down and they are trying to find things they can control please don’t take your daughter with out checking with the family first.

My brother died when I was a similar age and close friends of my age were there. Even now, many many years later, it is comforting to think they were there. I would talk to the family

I attended a few funerals around that age. It was very upsetting and I wasn’t well supported. I don’t think I should have been there.

I only recently in a religious ceremony realised how triggered I am by being in church (other issues to, but a lot of it from grief / funerals).

Having said that, for my own brothers funeral when I was a teen my mum’s best friend’s daughter came to support me which was lovely. But we were older.

NRFT

but do this. For the bereaved girl knowing her friend came will make her feel supported and means she will have someone to talk to

I lost my dad relatively young (20s). My friends being there at the time meant a lot

One caution: is this situation making your DD anxious about you possibly dying? It’s unusual to lose a parent young so this would be a normal worry

I would say definitely not. The family will have far too much on their plate to be fielding questions about their DD's friends. Also, I would be concerned that your daughter may become too emotional at the funeral, and even though it she will have the very best of intentions, I would worry that it might seem like she was drawing undue attention to herself. And given that it seems like a big ask for a child of any age to go to a funeral and not cry, it is probably best if ahe doesn,'t go.

@Isabel99 I'm really sorry for your loss.

I wish other posters would actually read your post - and those of others who have been in similar positions instead of just blindly typing, 'It will be lovely for the bereaved child to have her there' or 'Just go. No one will mind'.

It's very clear that both adults and children are individuals and not all will welcome this. Some will find it intrusive at the most difficult time of their lives. Some will be actively distressed by having someone there that they may not want to be there and will resent their presence. The only way to know is for the OP to check with the family first.

I don't think OP (or anyone) thinks the DD will be physically with the bereaved girl providing support. It's the same sort of support adults show at funerals - demonstrating you're there for someone by taking the time to show up, being a body in the throng of support. That sort of thing. Not physically holding her friend's hand through the service, the family will obviously have that covered.

To be fair I don't think the school can discuss other pupils due to confidentiality?

I think she should go if she wants to. It's odd that we try to shield children from funerals in the U.K.. As long as you're there with her, it's the right think to do.

So she won't be supporting her friend then. So that's not your reason for taking her.

That would absolutely be a support. That's what most support at a funeral looks like outside the immediate family.

My DF died when I was a child and one of my memories of that day is being able to talk and laugh with my friend who came at the reception afterwards. Also easier for my mum who could talk to everyone without having to check on us. My sister was only 7 and she too had a friend there. I think it was really important though that they had been there for the funeral part as well as the tea, they had been present to experience what we had just experienced.

Edited to add - obviously they were sat with their own parents at the back not with us in the front row. No one expects that! It was still comforting in a very adult environment to see our friends.

@Hatty65 thank you, was my first post in 10 years. Having just been through it, i feel it is so important to ask the family first. My teenage son was adamant he didn’t want most of his friends at school to know, trying make sure it didn’t get round wasn’t easy but I did everything possible because you just want to try and make it slightly easier for them if at all possible. X

I think it is a lovely idea. Obviously your DD's friend will be very upset and preoccupied but may see your DD there are feel supported.
In the UK we are really weird about children at funerals and it can be VERY DAMAGING (I speak from experience of being excluded from a funeral that I very much should have been allowed to attend. It contributed to the trauma)

I would, as other posters have suggested, check with the family. They may well not want your daughter there. The child may well not take comfort from seeing her BFF sat in the arms of her mother whilst she buries her own. The grandparents may well feel the same too.

I have been in exactly the same situation as you and sadly DD and her primary school BFF are now no longer friends. The next weeks and months ahead will be tricky for you and your DD to navigate. Personally I would ensure the grieving family know you are there for them but avoid being too present and avoid being too motherly in their presence. My own DD bore the brunt of her friend’s grieving, it was a very difficult time for all.

Absolutely, if my child wanted to go, I’d take her-it’s a lovely thought. Her friend has had such a shit thing happen to her and may need her friends. Death is part of life-I had a lot of bereavement as a child and teen so am maybe more accepting of it. What kind of kids do we raise if we pretend to them that life is always rosy?

But like previous PPs it would be good to check with the family-they won’t mind-even if the answer is no, it will be a comfort to them that friends are thinking of them and offering support.

This happened to us and my daughter did attend to support. It was very much appreciated.

No! She's too young to be "supporting" her friend on a funeral.

@Isabel99 I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks so much for weighing in with your sons perspective, I can completely understand where he was coming from.

They can if it’s what the bereaved family have asked for. As I said there have been several parents pass at my DDs school. Each situation very different and the school communicated on each occasion what the family had asked them to.