My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

[Keenrower]

Dds best friends mum has sadly passed away. Dd is very close to the children. Is it appropriate to bring my daughter to the funeral. I'm sorry for asking on here but we have never been in such a situation before. 💔 for such a lovely family. Just to add dd is 10

My daughter is 6. If in the awful event ant of her friends' mums died I don't think it would cross my mind not to take her to the funeral. And to be alert to the friend. She might want her own friend sitting near her or she might just want her there unobtrusively. One to play by ear OP.

Also slightly thrown by what a PP said about going to the wake uninvited. I've never been to a funeral (and I've been to nearly 30) where letting people know details of the service wasn't an automatic invitation to the wake as well. It's usually printed in the order of service to ensure everyone knows where it is.

It's almost certainly fine, if accompanied by you/her other parent. I don't think most people would object at all, especially if your daughter knew the mum fairly well.

It'll be worth explaining to your daughter that she won't necessarily be able to spend much - if any - time with her friend as the friend may not feel up to it or may be preoccupied with family. See if she still wants to go once you've had that conversation.

If your daughter hasn't been to a funeral before it's worth also explaining a bit about what will happen e.g. the priest will do XYZ, or about music/readings that her friend's mum liked being played at the chapel at the crem.

Many funerals now - especially if the death was expected - aren't the sombre affairs they were decades ago. It's often a celebration of the person's life. I've been to funerals - including of younger adults - where we've laughed as much as we cried and where people are encouraged to wear bright colours or bring photos/items to remember the person.

Then yes it would be fine. If this is your daughters first funeral it might be good to talk her through generally what might happen etc.

but if you helped the family out and the girls are friends, then of course.

I would say take her with you IF you think she has the maturity to cope with it and you have the kind of relationship where she will open up to you if it worries her (before or after). It will be nice for her friend to see her there even if they don't speak on the day but again, only if your daughter is comfortable with it. Does she want to go ?
It sounds as if you have been doing what you can to help in the lead up to this, so your daughter hasn't been suddenly thrown into this without knowing the situation.
Thoughts are with you. Terribly sad.

Yes, I absolutely think it's okay to take your DD. The only thing is it's worth checking that children (including your DD's friend) are coming. So a quick message asking if it's okay to bring her wont' go amiss. But yes, I think these things are good. Even if your DD barely sees/speaks to her friend, this is an experience they will both have had. Her friend will know and appreciate that.

It might also be helpful for your DD if she's close to the family.

My daughter hasn't been to a funeral before but attends church service regularly in school & on Sundays with us so she would be used to behaviour etiquette etc..

right now that poor sweet girl needs friends. Friends like your daughter and you as her mum supporting her. Absolutely you should go. And be there for her in the weeks ahead.

My BFFs sibling died when we were at high school. I went to the funeral, my mum came with me to show my support for her and her family. IMO it’s fine for your daughter to attend, she may just need to be gently told that friend may not want to speak to her on the day, she will appreciate the support though.

It is interesting and important that PPs who have been in the BF’s shoes say how much this would mean, even with you and DD appropriately towards the back.

If the reception is open to the congregation, as is usual in my area, I would ask DD whether she is up for it. She needs to be prepared to wait it out if BF’s family insists she participate in the ritual courtesies.

I would preferably ask the family. But if thats not possible yes Id take your dd - Im sure her friend would appreciate her presence, especially afterwards if you are invited to the wake. Your dds friend is going to need an enormous amount of support for a long time to come. If I was 10 I would want my bff to be there.

I would.

@Keenrower how does DD feel about it? If she is keen then I’d be asking the family if they would like DD to attend. They may absolutely not. Even DD’s friend may not want to be seen crying etc so may not want this. I think I’d have to ask, difficult as it may be, otherwise not take DD. I’d also be saying there is no pressure - it should be BFF’s decision of her Dad is ok with it and they should be able to change their mind as well.

Death is part of life, and we need to acknowledge it and face that it happens without fear. Attending funerals to support others and pay respects is part of that. I would absolutely take my daughter, and think you are doing the right thing.

First thing you need to do is ask your daughter if she’d actually like to to?

it’s her choice.

Protocol wise I think that would be fine. Just maybe let the family know who will be coming and they can respond if they feel it's inappropriate.

I think it could be tough for your daughter though. There can be a whole different level of rawness and pain when someone dies young. My children have been to funerals as toddlers and from age about 8, but I have not taken them to any of people my own age yet.

I think so, especially as used to church services.

Please speak to the family. You won’t be bothering them I promise. My husband died when our dd was 10. It really depends on lots of things so please just ask the family - and if you daughter is able to support their daughter at this time that is great.

I found my friends a great comfort at my mum's funeral - thirty-odd years later they are still my friends today, and I've paid it back by supporting at their parent's funerals, which are now starting to happen.

I'd take your daughter to the funeral but not in order to support her friend as friend will be with her family.

I think it’s really thoughtful of you to consider this so deeply. You know your DD and what she’s emotionally ready for- so in terms of her “readiness” to attend- go with your gut. And be prepared for big feelings (eg about your own mortality) later.

it strikes me that your little girls friend is about to go through something that (thankfully) few children will experience at her age- so it may not be a huge help to have your DD there on the day, but going forward it may bring her comfort to know that she has a friend who “gets” what she’s going through in a small way, having been with her at every stage of the journey, and who she can process all of this with later.

Thats a lot for a little girl like your daughter to potentially take on- even subconsciously- But well supported, it could be a great act of kindness and service to a friend, that will probably be a formative experience.

My husband died in 2018 when my youngest was 11. Her two best friends came to the funeral and sat up at the front with her, it was so good for her to have that additional support. I would check it's ok with her parent and the child herself, and if so, and your daughter wants to, go for it.

Please ask the family. My children (10 & 11 at the time) were particular about which of their friends they wanted at their dad's funeral. Although I didn't fully understand at the time, I honoured their feelings and said kindly "yes"or "no" when parents asked.
They said that they'd have been very upset if a child they hadn't wanted there attended.
Turned out their instincts were right: months later one mum said, "I missed a trick not taking my kids to [your late husband's] funeral - it would given them good practice for their Grandad's". (I'm not suggesting this applies in your position, just trying to give you one family's lived experience.)