My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

[Keenrower]

Dds best friends mum has sadly passed away. Dd is very close to the children. Is it appropriate to bring my daughter to the funeral. I'm sorry for asking on here but we have never been in such a situation before. 💔 for such a lovely family. Just to add dd is 10

Just to add her friend was at the back with parents during the funeral.
Afterwards DD was really happy to have her at wake to have some normalcy and avoid chats with distant family/random friends etc

It’s fine and you don’t need to bother them at this difficult time. Also funerals are public events - you don’t need an “invite” as such. It’s for people to come and pay their respects. At 10 she’s likely old enough and I doubt she would be so distressed that it would be traumatic for her. It’s not her own mother who has died and shielding children from death does nobody any favours.

I wouldnt even be thinking about the wake just bringing dd to the Church service & offer our condolences after. I thought it would be nice for the child to feel dd is there for her. Wouldn't dream of getting in the way.

Does your daughter want to go? Do you think she can cope with seeing people distraught?

My cousin aged 9 was taken to the funeral of a relative with young children and it gave her a terrible fear of losing her own mother. For many years she would not go anywhere without her mother because she was afraid her mum would die while she was away. The child she was closest to in age always said she hated her friends seeing her so upset.

No. If it’s just to support the children don’t put your child through that. Plus the bereaved child may not feel comfortable with her friend there may not feel they can grieve . I speak from a widows parent pov before anyone criticises my stance , I will see these things different.

Send a note to the family offering your condolences, say that your Dd would like to support her friend and would she like her to attend the funeral ?

That way you can go along with their wishes.

It’s good for your DD to be there if she can. So many children and young peole are protected from death, then the first funeral that they go to is for someone close like a GP. It’s better to see what it’s like with someone who is less close, because it’s an important part of our life and culture. .

I'd think it a bit weird if you went to the church and didnt carry on to the wake. I've never known anyone not go to the wake after. Better not go at all than only go to part of it.

I would say no. My DH died when my kids were 17, 13 and 9. Most of my 17 year olds friends came but none of the others friends came but they did come to the wake which I was please about. I don’t think they needed to be there for the actual funeral, really not necessary.

I don’t know UK etiquette, but where I live it used to be the case that children didn’t attend funerals, but it’s certainly not the case now.

About two years ago one of my DC’s classmate’s mothers died after a long illness. DC and a lot of their classmates went to the funeral. They were all respectful. I think it was helpful for their classmate to see the quiet show of acknowledgement of loss and the quiet hand of solidarity in what was the most terrible of times.

Thanks for this insight, I appreciate it & will give it more thought.

Honestly I wouldn’t think it would give the friend any comfort at all, she will likely be in a state of shock with her family and not register a friend . Having someone to chat to and play with at the wake thoigh would be lovely. A funeral of a young woman is going to be tough. Why would you put your child through that if she doesn’t need to be there

I doubt that was due to going to the funeral though. Unless it’s an open casket, funerals just involve music and some readings. It’s the death that’s upsetting, not the funeral. I can understand a 9 yo being worried about her mum dying but I’d think that would be the case even if she didn’t go to the funeral.

DS's bff's mum died 8 years ago next month. I didn't take ds to the funeral. I wish I had. The saddest thing o have ever seen is an 8 year old at his mother's funeral. His sister had her cousins (all closer to her age, all girls) to distract her, his dad was too grief stricken to comfort him. I wish I'd ignored the headteacher who'd raised her witchy eyebrows at me and said "I don't think that's very appropriate" when I said I was thinking of taking DS.

I'd take her, but do some prep. Has she been to a funeral before? Does she know what to expect? Has she seen her friends since their mother died?

You need to ask.

Sometimes families state' close family only'.

You can't assume you would be welcome.

Is it an open invitation type funeral where everyone is welcome, or is it more a private invite only type one?

My mother’s funeral (when I was 12/13) was at a crematorium (not sure the difference between a church funeral and a crematorium one) and was very much an everyone’s welcome type one. And the wake was also very much everyone is welcome for food and chatting and stuff.

to add, I’m pretty sure this was also my first funeral.

Speaking as another widowed parent 2 of my girls wanted bff there, 1 didn't. I think the best thing to do is ask if the daughter would like a friend there. Whatever she says goes. That's the way it worked and it allowed them to have something to control on a day where they had no control of anything else. It gave me hope when all 3 ended up outside at the wake exploring around with the 2 bffs.

If your daughter can deal with it then I say yes.....

The protocol is to ask someone in the family. Not to decide for yourself if non relative children are welcome.

According to my cousin there were people "howling like wounded dogs" totally out of control and the widower collapsed following the coffin out to the churchyard. Hard to take for an adult, let alone a child.

I think if you took her to the wake that would be appropriate, however in the church if your DD's friend saw her would she be happy to see her or would she be nervous about being so openly devastated. It's a time when she probably feels her most vulnerable without her mum. I do think though it's a really lovely thought but in this case, if it were me, I'd avoid the church with DD

No she hasn't been to a funeral before but attends church service as part of school & we go to Sunday service most weeks so knows church etiquette. No details of the arrangements have been released yet so I don't know it it's during school time or not. No she hasn't seen her friend or siblings since their mum died.

Ask the family if it would be appropriate for kids to attend.

My friends husband died and quite a few mums thought it would be a good idea to bring their 9-10 year olds. The poor mum had to put out a long apologetic message out to ask people not to bring their kids, as her daughter wouldn’t want all her friends to see her upset. It would have been much better for parents to ask in the first place.

Here (Ireland) it wouldn't even occur to me not to go - here it would probably be a bit rude not to bring her tbh. But MN has taught me that the UK is different wrt funerals. If you have a feel for their cultural background and views as a family then go for it, otherwise I'd check in.

It's not going to bring her comfort. Her mum is dead.

Would you be going to the funeral if it weren't for DD. I think if they were best friends it might a bit inappropriate as she'll not have her mum but her BFF will have hers and who knows she might find she wants distance from that.

Tbh I'd ask the family they'll know best

Yes I'll be going regardless of dd