My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

[Keenrower]

Dds best friends mum has sadly passed away. Dd is very close to the children. Is it appropriate to bring my daughter to the funeral. I'm sorry for asking on here but we have never been in such a situation before. 💔 for such a lovely family. Just to add dd is 10

Would you not think of asking the family?

Absolutely bring her, will be lovely for her friend to have a friend there

I think she is old enough to go but she may be too distressed to offer support as such.

How close are you to the family?

I don't want to trouble them at this time. I just want to know they the general protocol is? Or what other mumsnetters would do.

Simple answer is it's up to the family. But the main thing you can do is encourage your DD to be open and supportive with her friend. She's going to have a rough ride at school and having someone that can just be a friend will make all the difference in the world.

I suppose firstly I'd be considering if I thought DD was capable of supporting the children, is she up to it?
Secondly then if she is, whether it'd be welcomed by the family, if both are yes then I'd be supporting her and the other children through this time. I think that children support children in a wholly different way than adults ever can, and I'd be encouraging that if it's helpful.

So sorry your dd is going through this.

It isn't troubling them. Message say as DD and friend are really close I'd like to bring her to the funeral. If you'd rather I didn't just let me know.

I think it would be a little unusual perhaps. My best friend recently passed very prematurely leaving a child a similar age, as you can imagine he just wanted to be with his dad and closest family and was very emotional and it was an incredibly sad occasion. Not sure I would have liked to have put that on my own unless absolutely essential.

My friend and I went to support our mutual friend at her dad's funeral. I think it helped her a bit, as otherwise most of the congregation were friends and former colleagues of her dad as is pretty normal I guess (and not overly helpful or supportive for his teen children). We were early teens, if that helps.

I think this is where my thoughts end up. Maybe at the wake it might be nice for her to have her friend there but funeral for a fairly young woman is going to be pretty upsetting

They are school friends, we have helped out quite a bit since the little girls mum became ill.

I think it would be a little unusual perhaps
I thought the opposite, that it would be surprising for OP not to bring her daughter. But then I'm always surprised by people not taking children to funerals in general. We went to plenty of them as children.

I think you have to ask the family. Some people will be happy to have your DD there - some won't. I think you need to think about whether she will cope with it at 10 or not.

I'll be honest, the last thing I'd want at a family funeral would be extra, unknown, weeping kids. That might sound harsh, but I lost my older sister when she was young. It was difficult for us all, coping at the funeral as a family and dealing with our own grief as well as trying to provide comfort for her children.

The last thing we would have wanted was their 'friends' there as well - however well meaning. We didn't need additional upset children.

I just meant for my dd to accompany me to the funeral & sit with me during the service. Obviously her friend will be with family.

Ask if it's ok to bring you DD to the wake
Probably not for the service itself
It's ok to ask the family

I think it might be unusual to have an unrelated child at the funeral. Will she need to miss school, and would the absence be authorised? Does the poor bereaved child have cousins of a similar age?

If they want you going I'd be surprised they didn't want your family. It's a funeral not a wedding. In our family if anyone wanted to come to a funeral they'd be welcome.

Depending how it's announced might make it more clear.

If your daughter feels comfortable doing so, I would certainly bring her and encourage it in support of her best friend. My father died when I was young and only one of my friends came. It honestly was one of the harder parts of the funeral was not having more friends there to support me. I felt very alone as emotionally I had far deeper connections with my friends than family.

Ten years old is old enough to be able to cope with death, as long as you are able to share space for any discomfort she may have around it afterwards. To discuss death with her will help her be able to better help her friend through this very difficult experience too.

Of course you can take your daughter. Sit near the back, explain things quietly if necessary, join the condolence queue after. Etc etc.

Young friend will likely be very pleased to be able to talk about it later with your daughter. It will always be a memory they can share.

That is what I understood from your post. I suppose I thought that she wouldn’t be able to provide any support at the funeral because she would be with you, whereas at the wake she might be able to spend time with her friend.

It's absolutely fine to go to a funeral in a church or crematorium chapel but unless specifically invited either in advance or by general announcement at the service, it isn't appropriate to attend any reception. At 10 she's able to understand and behave appropriately with preparation but I suspect she is not going to be able to be supportive other than being there

Yes, please do.

My dad died when I was 14, and it was so comforting to know I had friends there, even though they weren’t sat near.

Its a horrible time, and I'm sure the support and familiarity would be appreciated.

Yes we'll sit near the back & offer condolences afterwards. To be honest I'd rather go alone but I know this little girl is feeling very lost at the moment so felt maybe knowing dd is there will offer comfort..

If your DD wants to go I think you should bring her. It will help her friend to know she's there.

I attended my first funeral right before I turned 7. I've never been sorry I went, even though I wasn't really prepared for the open casket. An older neighbor girl (12 yo) died and I asked to go to the funeral because I looked up to her and she had always been nice to me. Her sister (~9 or 10 yo at the time) was crying the whole time and seemed very alone. I wished more of her friends had been there with her. I don't know that my presence meant much to the sister, but the dad always greeted or waved to me when he saw me around the neighborhood into my young adult years when he also died.

I basically agree with this, but I would ask the family first