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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see my own family instead of hosting in-laws when husband not here?

190 replies

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 14:44

Husband is going on a golf trip away with his dad for 5 days. He wants me to have his mum here with me, while he and his dad go golfing. She is not easy going and I won’t be able to relax and go about my life normally. She is not infirm or unable to stay at home on her own - They live in the same village as my husband's sister, who is always on hand anyway.
My family want to come and stay that week and I would like them to. AIBU to want to see my family instead, when he is going golfing with his Dad?
I would really like to know how many people on here host their in-laws when their husband is not there at all. I’ve had them on my own for a week before, when husband wasn’t even in the country, but it takes a lot from me because they are not easy going at all.
Thank you.

OP posts:
rainingsnoring · 19/09/2024 16:53

What an incredibly selfish person your DH sounds. It doesn't sound as it this is a new thing.
Good for you for not giving in and for choosing to see your family instead.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/09/2024 16:53

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 14:51

I think I’ve always done whatever makes him happy, so I am second guessing myself.

Show quote history

And therein lies your problem. Do what pleases you and if he doesn't like it, tough luck! You have every right to prioritise your family.

Also, it's nothing to do with getting in first! Does he think he's your keeper? He sounds like a sexist twat!

WallaceinAnderland · 19/09/2024 16:55

He wants his mum there to spy on you whilst he's away.

andthat · 19/09/2024 16:55

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

Show quote history

I say this with kindness… grow a backbone.

He doesn’t get to dictate your time, why on earth would you think he does?!

You want to see your family. Tell him you’re not hosting his mum and that’s the end of the matter.

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 19/09/2024 16:57

Jk987 · 19/09/2024 16:28

Say yes to your family then say to MIL there won't be room because your family are staying. It's perfectly true and fine.

Your MIL can still come for the day or overnight in a hotel if she likes?

Even if no one is visiting her, OP should say no.

I would relish a few days on my own, no way would I want to be taking care of MIL.

BlondeFool · 19/09/2024 16:59

What a bizarre expectation. Of course you'll want to see your family while he's away

Iloveacurry · 19/09/2024 17:03

Put it this way, would he entertain your parents without you there? No, I don’t think so.

Conniebygaslight · 19/09/2024 17:05

Is he the possessive jealous type OP, does he want his mother there so you can’t have a good time without him? I can’t think of any other reason. He sounds a peach….Tell him to sod off.

BiscuitDreams · 19/09/2024 17:06

Omg I would be devastated if I had to host MIL instead of spending time by myself or with my family. And I get on with my MIL (which is why she would think it would be outrageous if DH suggested she came to visit 😃). It's his family and he does this stuff when he's actually around. I would be tempted to tell him that MIL is welcome to come but I would go and stay with my family (or a hotel). Stay firm!

HotMummaSummer · 19/09/2024 17:10

I hosted my MIL for a couple of nights a month or 2 ago. My husband went on a sports related trip with his dad and he arranged for her to come.
He arranged it and at first I wasn't sure as I didn't know if it would make my life any easier but MIL is really lovely and helpful and we ended up having a lovely time.
If my family were free to visit during that time I would have prioritized seeing them though!

thestudio · 19/09/2024 17:16

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/09/2024 14:46

Let's check if this is horrible sexist...

If you went away on a jolly with your dad, would be host your mum for a week? I bet a lot of money he'd think that was weird.

Have your family over.

this is the solution to SO MANY MN PROBLEMS MrsTP.

I've been around as long as you and honestly, I think we're going backwards.

Gymnopedie · 19/09/2024 17:16

OP adding up what you've said across your posts it sounds like he is generally selfish and you end up walking on eggshells and doing what he wants to keep the peace.

That is no way to live. Use this opportunity to stand up for yourself. Be prepared, it will turn nasty. But please don't live the rest of your life pandering to a selfish (and by the sound of it childish) bully.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 19/09/2024 17:18

@LightDrizzle
Is he 6? He baggsied it by saying it first?
He is a cheeky fucker. Don’t entertain this, he doesn’t get to dictate this, he’s so far out of line it’s breathtaking.
I think to avoid being bulldozed you need to message or call your MIL directly to let her know DH mentioned her coming round to stay but your family are coming and as she can imagine, you are looking to catching up with them as you don’t see them often, but big thanks for being willing to help out! ♥️

This 100% ^

Beautiful3 · 19/09/2024 17:19

That doesn't seem very fair. He's getting to do what he wants, which is fair enough. But he's asking you to do.what he wants too?!!! I'd push back and say no. He isn't going to be there to see them. Say, you're choosing to go.away with your dad, so I'm choosing to have my mum over. We both get to do.what we want, right?! Otherwise thats very manipulative and controlling of him.

Cupooee · 19/09/2024 17:26

That sounds unbelievably controlling, not healthy and a huge red flag.

He is not around but is controlling your time still.

This is not normal, nor acceptable and I bet is not in isolation.

How he reacts to NO will be interesting.
Does he accept it?
Or are you afraid of him?

I suggest you consider contacting Women's aid, because I think you might be tolerating a lot more than this.

1dayatathyme · 19/09/2024 17:37

I agree OP should make it clear she is hosting her own parents although the adverse undertones on this thread regarding the mil who was probably thinking she was doing OP a favour by being around to help etc is beyond me.

TheyreStillGoingWithThemPlumsKerr · 19/09/2024 17:41

I think @PenelopePitStrop put it so well:

‘he asked first’ - how ridiculous, he doesn’t have first dibs on YOUR time

Zanatdy · 19/09/2024 17:43

No way should you give in. It’s a good opportunity for you to see your family. He’s being incredibly selfish and I’d like to know if he’s ever hosted one of your parents when you’re not there

aloris · 19/09/2024 17:43

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

Show quote history

His reasoning here is just bizarre. So he asked "first." So what? Or is his reasoning that if you say "no" to his mother staying, then your mother also can't stay, because he "asked first" and feels that if you said no to one, then you have to say no to the other? And why would he not want you to have your mother to stay when you see his parents frequently but only see your own 4 times per year?

I just don't understand any of this and the only explanations that make sense to me suggest that he is somewhat of a toxic person. Is there some complicated backstory?

onfiree · 19/09/2024 17:46

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:08

He said “it would be nice to see her” but he’s not going to be here..
and she would like to see the kids.
we have just seen them 2 weeks ago.

Show quote history

This doesn’t make sense. If he thinks it would be nice to see her, then he should invite her when he’s home to host her. Makes zero sense for it to be nice to see her and he isn’t even present.

onfiree · 19/09/2024 17:46

He sounds controlling

BarbaraHoward · 19/09/2024 17:47

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

Show quote history

He doesn't get to "get in first", it's your time not his. Confused This is a really troubling attitude.

Original poster
BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 17:48

Shinyandnew1 · 19/09/2024 15:26

He ‘got in first’?! He sounds like a whinging child!

Have you said no, @BrainAddled ?

I wouldn’t entertain this for a second. He doesn’t get to dictate your social life to ease his conscience! Tell him/her that your family are coming to stay because you want them to. If he wants his family to come and stay, he needs to do it when he’s home.

Please don’t do this!

I have said no thanks to you all ❤️

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 19/09/2024 17:50

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/09/2024 14:46

Let's check if this is horrible sexist...

If you went away on a jolly with your dad, would be host your mum for a week? I bet a lot of money he'd think that was weird.

Have your family over.

This!

Wheresthebeach · 19/09/2024 17:50

Well done OP.
Frankly that's insane. You are not your MIL babysitter. When he's away you do what you want and having difficult family is the last thing you should be doing.