To want to see my own family instead of hosting in-laws when husband not here?

[BrainAddled]

Husband is going on a golf trip away with his dad for 5 days. He wants me to have his mum here with me, while he and his dad go golfing. She is not easy going and I won’t be able to relax and go about my life normally. She is not infirm or unable to stay at home on her own - They live in the same village as my husband's sister, who is always on hand anyway.
My family want to come and stay that week and I would like them to. AIBU to want to see my family instead, when he is going golfing with his Dad?
I would really like to know how many people on here host their in-laws when their husband is not there at all. I’ve had them on my own for a week before, when husband wasn’t even in the country, but it takes a lot from me because they are not easy going at all.
Thank you.

It really really isn't.

Had in laws here this year while dh was away. Had a grand time, weird for the first day then we got back to doing all the fun stuff they normally do (board games, poker etc). Could you have both your family and your mil? They might have a fun time all together!

I can’t imagine Mil is anything but appalled by this idea. I’d rather eat my own liver than spend nearly a week with my dil.

why? Bollocks. I mean sure, as a SAHM, perhaps there are times when your in laws visit but your Dh is at work so you have to host them during the day. But I can't imagine any scenario where as a SAHM that means you have to have them there when he's off on ajolly somewhere.

He is managing your time - while enjoying his own freedom.This sounds fair ...but only to him.

He isn't thinking of his mother (who will want to spend time with him) or of you (who would want to spend time with your family) in this. (He does seem to be treating you as a subordinate rather than an equal partner here.)

Repeat to yourself :
'I am not a passive resource to be bagged or booked by anyone.'

The main problem is that you are both so used to you doing whatever makes him happy. To suddenly change that dynamic isn't going to happen overnight.

If the trip is a while away then you have time to sit down and talk about how you're not going to do whatever makes him happy any more, that you would like to discuss how that's going to work.

If it's next week, then right or wrong, if your marriage has always worked on his assumption that he can arrange your life then I think you'll have to suck it up this time, but if you're not happy then make sure it doesn't happen again.

How did you get to a state where you're making yourself unhappy just to please him? That's not just regular compromise within a relationship.

He plays golf for 5 days and you look after the kids and entertain his mum !

Is he 12?
Tell him to jog on, your family are coming to stay. End of.

WTF!! Duties? Why? Hosting the in laws is a "pink job"?

OP tell DH to piss off, do what you want with your time whilst he is off. He sounds like a child, curating your time whilst he's not there.

ooo that's risky....what about what makes YOU happy?

I go to stay at my inlaws and see them without my DH, but only since I had DC and he travels a lot with work! You are not unreasonable at all, don't host her instead of your family, invite her for dinner one day while they're there?

Sounds to me like he already offered without checking with you so is now trying to convince you.....

He needs to be there to host his own mother.

If his mother doesn't want to be home alone that's for her to sort out with her husband, not your circus.

Your husband is going away without you, you get to plan your own time, no need to get caught up in babysitting another capable healthy adult.

I’m just wondering - do you have space for MIL and your family? That way perhaps your family would take the edge of MIL!

He's guilt dumping. Neither he nor FIL want to feel guilty about leaving MIL alone for 5 days. Cue subservient little wife who will entertain her for the week. What a happy arrangement for everyone, except the OP.

👆🏼

Well the obvious answer is "no"
But- you do have some choices
1/ cancel your parents, be the submissive wife running round after
MiL.

2/ Have them all to stay 😳.

3/ Just say no.

You could soften the blow by inviting the Pil in a few weeks. But imho you need to have strong words with your DH about dropping you in it without asking and checking with you first before he opens his mouth.

No I wouldn't be doing this. Yes I'd help out if she needed something doing but I wouldn't be hosting MIL if H was away.

Put your foot down. He doesn't get to dictate what you do on your own time.

I would rather chop my own head off than do this.

Seriously, is he 5 years old?
So, OK he asked first. But your response is a firm no because you are hosting your family. When he gets back he can host his family and take care of the kids (while you go away). If your DH is entitled it's because you let him. You need to reeducate him in order for him to consider your needs and feelings. Start asap. Good luck!

His response really does make you feel like this doesn’t it? ‘Oh you asked first?? Let me be super clear, I would rather burn the house down and live in a tent than have your mother come to stay while you are away.’

I would find this very conniving and controlling. He gets to enjoy a week away while:

1 - Dumping his mother on you to entertain.
2 - Ensuring you don't relax that week as you are hosting his mum.
3 - He can check on what you are doing and where you are at all times via mum.
4 - Blocking your family from visiting, when you see them less often that the in-laws in general.

I would phone MIL and let her know there has been a miscommunication, that your family are coming for week but if she wants there are some very nice hotels in the next town over if she fancied visiting for a day or two. I would also be considering how to re-balance this marriage as I bet this is not the only time he has pulled a stunt like this, I bet you describe him as a lovely, kind man (as long as he always gets his own way)

Yes you need to start being more assertive. If you want your family to come and see you when DH is away you just state that your family is coming. If DH then complains that her mum has to stay alone at home when he is taking his dad away you tell him that his dad should have thought about it before agreeing on the boys' trip.

Don't Do It.
Foolishly agreed to hosting ILs when DH away 30 years ago.....set a precedent which is a thorn in my side. Have tried to reset presumptions over the years but met with surprise. Just Don't Let It Happen.
Enjoy your time in your way.

If he is that worried about his mother being alone then he can either invite her to go on the golfing trip, or he can cancel it, or tell his dad to stay home and he finds another golfing partner. Those are his choices and none involve you.

Invite your own family and have a lovely time.

I'm also a little concerned that you always do what makes him happy even if it makes you unhappy. Can you expand on that? Do you think he wants his mother in the house so she spies on you, or because it prevents you from having family, friends or nights out?