To want to see my own family instead of hosting in-laws when husband not here?

[BrainAddled]

Husband is going on a golf trip away with his dad for 5 days. He wants me to have his mum here with me, while he and his dad go golfing. She is not easy going and I won’t be able to relax and go about my life normally. She is not infirm or unable to stay at home on her own - They live in the same village as my husband's sister, who is always on hand anyway.
My family want to come and stay that week and I would like them to. AIBU to want to see my family instead, when he is going golfing with his Dad?
I would really like to know how many people on here host their in-laws when their husband is not there at all. I’ve had them on my own for a week before, when husband wasn’t even in the country, but it takes a lot from me because they are not easy going at all.
Thank you.

Wow. The fact that you have to ask this, and that your husband thinks this is acceptable is very very worrying about your relationship.

OF COURSE you don't have his mum over when he's off with his dad. It is absurd.

To understand how absurd this is, and to highlight the sexism and distortion of equality in your relationship, would your dad come visit and expect to be hosted by him if you went off with your mum on a cruise for a week.

Why can’t his Mum go golfing with them and do her own thing while they are on the course?

"You asked and I'm saying no."
He doesn't get to control your time.
It can feel hard at first to even figure out what you want if you aren't used to it. On this occasion you are clear what you want, so make it happen. You only get one shot at life!

This. I wouldn't have any issue with DH going away with his mates, but he doesn't get any say in what I do while he's not here. Why would he?

And to be fair he wouldn't ask so I think you have the classic MN 'DH problem' here. Why does he think it appropriate to tell, or even suggest, this to you?

Start with hosting YOUR family.

He's not going to like it though. Don't give in to him.

Enjoy your family visit! Maybe plot a long weekend away with them pre-Christmas sans children and enlist your MIL to come and stay and enjoy quality time with her son and grandchildren. London or Edinburgh are lovely that time of year. See a play or show, eat drink and shop, go to galleries.

"He said “it would be nice to see her” but he’s not going to be here..
and she would like to see the kids.
we have just seen them 2 weeks ago."

This is transparent bollocks.

He or his Dad has been guilt tripped about going golfing and they are looking to you to fix it.
Have your family over.
FIL will have to think of something else.

My family are already coming.
Your mother has her own life.

"No it won't, you know your mum is hard work and I won't be able to relax"

Does he think you’re his staff? He doesn’t get to ‘get in there first’ and dictate how you spend your time. You are not an extension of him, you are not his employee, you’re your own person and just as he is going off on a jolly and doing what he wants, so can you. Or another take would be that he’s actually ‘employing’ his mother to keep an eye on you, which is possibly even worse.

Absolutely not, dear god. NO NO NO!

Op, can you give us a few more examples of where you've gone along with what he wants when it isn't something you want?

"It would be nice to see her"

Umm, not for me & you won't be seeing her.

As for "I got in first".

What's good about him Op?

In fact. Further to my own post. It seems you have dc. So presumably you have a 5 day break away booked in/just had one with your own friends/family whilst he looks solo after the dc then?

“I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

That tells you everything - no he wouldn't. Absolutely no way would I have my MIL to stay at the expense of my own family. He can host her. Absolutely no fucking way. Especially as you say she's difficult. No, this is not something you vowed to do on your wedding day was it? I shall have my PITA MIL over to stay every time my DH and FIL go on their jollies.

Next time you go away, get your DH to host your family and see how he likes it. Seriously, bide your time. There's no way he'd consider it I bet.

Definitely have your own family to stay. If he is worried about his dm he can take her with them on the golfing holiday

He ‘got in first’?! He sounds like a whinging child!

Have you said no, @BrainAddled ?

I wouldn’t entertain this for a second. He doesn’t get to dictate your social life to ease his conscience! Tell him/her that your family are coming to stay because you want them to. If he wants his family to come and stay, he needs to do it when he’s home.

Please don’t do this!

I’ve had to host in-laws while DP is away. Am SAH
His mum is a self centered demanding Diva
Separated from his dad
Dad is a bore

I just cope with them, it’s one of the duties for me as am SAH
If I was working FT … would have a reason not to host.

I also have to wonder... does he often put barriers in place around you spending time with your family? Or your friends? Is this a way to ensure you don't get alone time with your family? Who knows what you might use it for? To tell them about his behaviour or complain about his family? or to allow your children to bond with them?

If he thinks it would be nice to see his mum, why doesn't he take his mum in the holiday?

He doesn't get to dictate who visits the house when you're not there, especially because you probably never get a week away and even if you do, I bet he wouldn't host your parents while you were gone 🙄

What a pathetically childish response. ‘You got in first with your golfing trip. You may cancel, stay home and host your family. Or you may accept I will host my own fucking family, and also book my own trip away, will you be inviting my mum to stay then, or is this one rule for me and a different one for you??

Or, op, you could turn it around. Do you really want me to have a miserable week ? You’re off playing golf and you think I should not only look after the house and kids but have a difficult guest of your choice? Wouldn’t a caring husband want to make the week easier for me not harder?

he sounds more and more like an absolute tosser.

I hope you stay firm with this one OP. He is taking the piss! Even if you are not having your family to stay - why can you not have a week on your own with the kids? Nice and cosy for him to be number one son with his Mum by arranging this for her and it's you doing all of the leg work. Just no!

Do you work Op or are you a sahm?. I ask this because if you are a sahm he might think he can tell you what to do because he is the big man bringing home the bacon. Regardless tell him your havi ng your family and his Mother can come when he is home. Sometimes when I read some of these posts I just cant believe the way men act and think and how so many women end up with such A Holes.

Look at where doing everything to make him happy has gotten you.

If you teach people that your own happiness is unimportant and that you are at the bottom of the list, don’t be surprised when that’s how the treat you.