Is my child’s school being extremely unreasonable?

[RainbowSlidders]

As the title says, I am so bloody angry/upset right now I don’t want to respond until I have had confirmation that they are being as unreasonable as I think.

I lost my dad on Sunday late evening, he lived 300+ miles away including a ferry journey we rushed down Friday AFTER school and drove back early hours of Monday morning all kids attended school Monday. This was a very unexpected death, he had not been ill and was very active and health for a 78 year old. He suffered a brain haemorrhage, the bleed was massive and catastrophic.

Due to cultural differences the funeral lasts 7 days, I understand this is not the norm and my children won’t be attending the full 7 days. The service will take place Thursday, I submitted a leave of absence form for Wed/Thurs/Fri due to the journey. The attendance officer from my son’s school has just rang and been extremely unpleasant, said it will be unauthorised as it’s not viewed by the school as an exceptional circumstance and we will be charged £160 fine as my son had a week off in July for surgery. I made it clear I did not agree and the fine won’t change my mind I was going to my dad’s funeral. I also said it was exceptional circumstances as you only die once, maybe not my finest moment but it was the least rude thing I could think of.

Am I being ridiculous? I have been feeling really off since Sunday, crying on and off for no particular reason so not sure if it is actually me being unreasonable. Monday after dropping the younger 2 at school I had to drop my eldest daughter off at university for her first day which was also very emotional for us both.

Make a complaint to the governors. This is hideous. I'm a governor. I would go ape shit if this happened at my school.

Not heard from my youngest secondary school as of yet.
I want to ring her back and call her a fucking hypocrite as in 2022 they closed school for two full days so staff could go to a math teachers funeral that died of breast cancer. Normally I would never say anything like that but I am so fucking angry right now.

July was medical so its irrelevant
So this is 3 days, so below the fine threshold. It doesnt matter if its authorised or not essentially.

So basically, the attendance person is being an intensive jobsworth.

This doesn’t sound right. The absence for surgery should be authorised for medical reasons. Absence for a funeral - well, I think it should be authorised, but legally not sure where you stand on that. So those days may be unauthorised. But, if the surgery was authorised, then only 3 days off shouldn’t trigger a fine. It’s probably not worth arguing about whether the funeral is authorised, but I’d fight them about the surgery. This should save you the fine, as long as he doesn’t have any more unauthorised absences for a while (10 weeks I think).

sorry about your dad 😞

They are being completely unreasonable and I am so sorry they have been so unpleasant at a difficult time for you. i understand you can appeal any fine and if I were you I definitely would.

They’re being unreasonable and I’d be considering complaining! Not just for how incorrect they are as yes it is exceptional, but also being culturally insensitive!

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, @RainbowSlidders, I hope you’re able to take it easy soon 🧡

I’m sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t give a damn whether they wanted to authorise it or not to be quite honest, nor would I be paying any fine. This world is bloody ridiculous!

When my little girl passed, my boys were allowed a good few days off with no concerns. I'd go further.

The surgery should have been authorised as medical leave so that’s a mistake on their part
They are being totally unreasonable / not culturally sensitive and I would make a complaint

I’m sorry to hear about your dad and that the school is making things more difficult for you when you really don’t need it.

My school would authorise a grandparent’s funeral as exceptional circumstances, including travel. The surgery would also be authorised.

Look up the school complaints procedure, in this instance it would probably be the head that you need to escalate this to, including the shitty attitude of the attendance officer when you are grieving.

Having also suffered a bereavement recently, I honestly think some people enjoy making people’s lives difficult at a time when they just need people to make them that tiny bit easier.

So sorry about your dad OP. Go to the funeral. She can stick her policy. Hope your daughter is ok starting uni just after losing her grandad…

Sounds a bit odd. For reference I lost my Mom this year and funeral was in middle of gcse. I let DS tutor know and she got an advanced copy of the exam timetable and there was an exam that day. I said he would attend the exam. I then got a phone call off the Head of Year saying absolutely don't worry and DS went to the funeral and sat the exam on on the spare days assigned.

Can you appeal it?

Definitely unreasonable. The surgery should have been authorised and so should these 3 days. Writing to the governors seems like a good idea. But I would certainly not be paying a fine. They could take me to court if they liked. No reasonable thinking person would think that is ok.

Closing the school for 2 days for the maths teacher is also crazy and probably worth mentioning in your letter to the governors.

I'm sorry about your Dad.

Having also suffered a bereavement recently, I honestly think some people enjoy making people’s lives difficult at a time when they just need people to make them that tiny bit easier.

This is so true! I really hope Karma is real because people are awful when you're already down 😥

YANBU and I'm very sorry to hear of your father's death.

Why did they give your son unauthorised absences for surgery? It should have been marked as authorised under medical circumstances/illness.

A few months ago, there was another AIBU thread where a mum asked if she was being unreasonable to press the school to change an absence to authorised. Many Mumsnetters stuck their noses in to say she was being unreasonable and persnickety and unfair on the office staff. They couldn't understand why it's important to keep the record straight. Nor did they seem to grasp the idea that local authorities will jump to issue fines, and that the main way to combat this is to make damn sure that your child's absences are always authorised, and fight them on this point if necessary.

I am sorry about your dad.

Whilst I do think the school are being unreasonable, new rules about attendance have come into place so being unreasonable about time off is going to be the norm now.

I would take it further to see if it can be changed to authorised (even if it needs to be backdated after the funeral has happened) but take your children anyway.

Surely July wasn’t unauthorised though? So doesn’t put you over the threshold for a fine?

They are very U though

So sorry about your dad op.

I definitely think you should fight the surgery counting to any time off as that was clearly a medical need.

The new regulations also only came into force in August so an absence in July shouldn't be counted.

At the school I work at we would always authorise the day of the funeral, however we get a lot of requests that include overseas travel and so we usually would only authorise 1 or 2 days for a funeral.

School admissions are under huge pressures with the new restrictions however there is absolutely no need to be unpleasant to a grieving family.

What an arse. My children recently took two days out authorised for a grandparent’s funeral due to the travel. I’d have been livid if anyone had kicked up a fuss.

I think they've got it wrong. It says on the government website that one of the circumstances in which they can miss school is if 'they're too ill to go in', which I'm sure must include them having surgery.

So sorry for your loss.

The charitable view is that the school are getting to grips with the new absence policy and being a bit heavy-handed in their interpretation.

I would go to the governors and Head. Hugely unreasonable not to authorise an absence for a funeral. It’s heartless.

Awful.

I would put in writing

• surgery is not unauthorised absence but sickness
• funerals are the sort of exception that would normally be allowed and reference that the school has historically allowed this including in 2022 when the school closed for funeral attendance

Good luck

They cant fine you for less than 5 consecutive day absence, the ‘officer’ is being a t..t and nasty .

First of all its not down to the school to fine anyone its the local authority so she cant make that decision anyway.
It is down the the schools discretion however what would be deemed an authorised absence. where I work we usually only authorise for immediate family i.e. parents or siblings however it is down the the discretion of the attendance officer. If his attendance is otherwise good they could authorise it.

My condolences. The school are being very unreasonable. So much so that I can't quit believe it. Three days considering the travel is perfectly acceptable.