Is my child’s school being extremely unreasonable?

[RainbowSlidders]

As the title says, I am so bloody angry/upset right now I don’t want to respond until I have had confirmation that they are being as unreasonable as I think.

I lost my dad on Sunday late evening, he lived 300+ miles away including a ferry journey we rushed down Friday AFTER school and drove back early hours of Monday morning all kids attended school Monday. This was a very unexpected death, he had not been ill and was very active and health for a 78 year old. He suffered a brain haemorrhage, the bleed was massive and catastrophic.

Due to cultural differences the funeral lasts 7 days, I understand this is not the norm and my children won’t be attending the full 7 days. The service will take place Thursday, I submitted a leave of absence form for Wed/Thurs/Fri due to the journey. The attendance officer from my son’s school has just rang and been extremely unpleasant, said it will be unauthorised as it’s not viewed by the school as an exceptional circumstance and we will be charged £160 fine as my son had a week off in July for surgery. I made it clear I did not agree and the fine won’t change my mind I was going to my dad’s funeral. I also said it was exceptional circumstances as you only die once, maybe not my finest moment but it was the least rude thing I could think of.

Am I being ridiculous? I have been feeling really off since Sunday, crying on and off for no particular reason so not sure if it is actually me being unreasonable. Monday after dropping the younger 2 at school I had to drop my eldest daughter off at university for her first day which was also very emotional for us both.

Yes, they’re being VVVV unreasonable.

The complaints procedure will be avaliable on the website
I would also consider contacting your MP and updating your parent views with Ofsted which is not some thing I would recommend.

We are definitely going, that is non negotiable. I think I just needed someone to tell me I wasn’t over reacting, I have had a terrible few days and might not be being totally reasonable

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Id ask to speak to the head or another member of SLT immediately. Whoever the AO has to answer to, and put it all in email as well. The surgery in July doesn’t count in the slightest for one thing, they’re a jobsworth who isn’t even jobsworthing correctly. Even if it did count in some bizarro world, I’m pretty sure the new guidelines start from this September. If it counted previous UA, many families would be facing retrospective fines right now. At worst this will be UA if the school are really that cold, but I’d absolutely remind them that they disrupted the whole schools education for a funeral recently, and if they choose to be hypocritical then it will be noted with a letter of complaint to the governors (but I’d leave that threat to all else fails).

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

You are not being unreasonable. We had a similar situation with the sudden death of a very close family member. Due to the distance and funeral being on a Thursday, we also needed 3 days to attend. School couldn't have been more supportive. Not only did they approve the time with no questions, they provided materials to help the kids grapple with what had happened.

I know it's understandably the last thing you want to do right now, but I'd consider contacting the governors.

Definitely unreasonable of the school. My daughters school authorises 1 day for weddings or funerals of close family members, not sure if that's standard practice.
The absence in June was last school year so shouldn't be relevant I don't think.

My children missed two days of school to attend a grandparents funeral due to the distance and school were lovely about it. It was a standard crematorium funeral plus wake but due to the distance and timing of it we couldn't do it in a day.
One of them had also had four tummy bugs in the school year so his attendance can't have been great before that.
I am not sure of the ins and outs of authorized vs unauthorised but even if they had to tell you you would be fined I would have expected any contact with you to be very very apologetic and sympathetic due to the circumstances.

I'm so sorry. You must be up the wall, such a shock and now this!

YANBU. My grandmother died last year - so my kids great grandmother - and we were granted 2 days off for the funeral. We only had to go down to London for the day, we could've done it by train if necessary but school actually offered their condolences and said it was fine, 2 days was ok.

The fact they're bringing up medical leave as a reason to say no is outrageous.

I'd flat refuse to pay a fine in these circumstances and explain myself to a court if necessary.
The attendance officer sounds quite mad.
Sorry about your dad.

My daughter lost her paternal grandfather in 2022 very suddenly.

I emailed school and said she's off the day after he passed and off for the funeral. They said, fine, even though she was in the midst of revising for GCSEs.

Previous medical leave shouldn't even come into it. Compassion goes a long way.

I would be tempted to compose an email to the headteacher including the following and copying the governors:

"My father and my children's grandfather has suddenly and unexpectedly died. We are in shock and grieving. How dare you threaten us with fines and compliance action because my children will be attending his funeral? This is completely unacceptable and inhumane behaviour and unless we receive confirmation that the absence will be authorised and an apology, we will be taking the matter further."

I’m sorry for your loss.

The school are being very unreasonable.

I would make this as public as you can. Social media, local newspaper. There is nobody who would think that the school is being reasonable.
Schools seem to care more about their reputation, attendance figures and social media PR than they do about their pupils and family’s these days.

Madness - what an unsupportive school. I would escalate to the head and then the governors - even if you do this after the funeral when you are feeling more together (you shouldn’t have to think about this now - it’s important to think about your family first) - take the kids out of school so they can pay the respects your dad and culture deserves and that the kids also need . Then go to the governors and get the unauthorisation overturned. The attitude displayed by the attendance officer is a serious concern and you are not being unreasonable at all. Important to make school realise their job is not to make families lives difficult. To even mention that your child ‘has already had time off for surgery’ is beyond silly!

Why wouldn't you just have a conversation with the Head first? The AO has clearly got this wrong but going to the press seems completely OTT and probably not in the best interests of the children.

You go to the funeral. The children go to the funeral.
you give school no thought at all.
they are being deeply unfair and lacking compassion.

i am sorry for you loss.

I am so very sorry for your loss, and horrified at the school. The absence for surgery is medical, and was last school year anyway if it was in July, so I don't know why she's brought that up. I'd go to the Head and then the governers with this, and when you're feeling stronger, make a formal complaint about her attitude.

Again, so sorry for your loss

That is awful. Grandparents are often very invested and influential people in their grandchildren's lives. The lack of acknowledgement of that is quite frankly awful. What have we come to as a country?

OP I am very sorry for your loss. You are right to be up in arms. You don't need a battle now as you're already in one with your emotions and all the stuff that comes with planning a funeral and sorting things out when someone has died. I'd send the email above as suggested to the Head with the Chair of Governors in copy and let them sort it.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/66bf300da44f1c4c23e5bd1b/Workingtogetherrtoimproveeschoolattendancee-Augustt2024.pdf

Here's the new guidance that was released to all schools. May be worth you going through it as it only came into force this term and some schools don't fully understand it yet.

The school can mark the absences as unauthorised, but you shouldn't be fined.
We took ours out for 3 days for a funeral abroad, they authorised 1 day and 2 days were unauthorised, but we were not fined.

Our head always says that she isn't legally allowed to authorise, but that she also can 'forget' to let the council know if she feels the absence is needed and child has otherwise excellent attendance. Surely your head could for this too?

Is this quite standard then only to authorise for immediate family funerals? And grandparents don’t count as immediate family?! I can’t believe that can be true, that’s so sad… it’s attendance figures gone mad! What is the come back on a school of reduced attendance figures - does anyone know? do they get less money? A bad OFSTED?

a child at our school died recently (tragic) and the whole school (more than a thousand kids) was authorised to go to the funeral if they wanted. The whole school also took the morning off to talk about the child and to be there to watch the cortège pass by the school if they wanted to. I think your school sounds especially uncaring.. but it would be interesting to know where that attitude comes from and whether they are forced into it through targets?

Was it definitely the School's own Attendance Officer you spoke to, OP and not someone from the Local Authority Attendance Team? Have you previously recieved letters or been invited into meetings in school about your child's attendance?

The reason I ask is that the decision to fine parents rests with the council and IME (I work in a school and one of my responsibilies is overseeing Attendance) the thresholds are very high. Under the national rules, all schools are required to consider a fine when a child has missed 10 or more sessions (5 days) for unauthorised reasons. BUT it is highly unlikely for a one off unauthorised holiday/absence and there is an expectation that where a child has low attendance a lot of support is put in place before going down the legal route. I have never heard of a parent being fined by the LA for a 3 day unauthorised absence, only where there was a pattern of severe and persistent absence.

The absence in July is irrelevant as that was medical, and should therefore be authorised assuming you were able to provide the school with medical evidence.

HT's can authorise absence for exceptional circumstances but the fundamental principles for defining ‘exceptional circumstances’ are that they are "rare, significant, unavoidable and short". Many schools will consider a funeral exceptional circumstances and grant 1-2 days leave, depending on the distance, but might not allow more than that.

In your schools I would call or email the school and ask for a conversation with the Head.

The consecutive rule has gone - it’s the total number amount of absence either consecutive or individual days over a 10 week period now so applies

But either way I would query why the July absence is relevant as it was medical.

Well first of all I think it's ridiculous that kids are not officially allowed to miss school for their grandparent's funeral.

But secondly, from a practical point of view, if the funeral is 300 miles plus a ferry away (as for the OP) then that in effect means OP can't attend her own parent's funeral, unless she has someone to leave her young kids with for several days.

I'm all for kids having good school attendance, but the current rules (or individual school and local authority interpretations of the rules) are absolutely draconian and ridiculous.

Ours would authorise for parents, grandparents, siblings, nephew/niece, aunt/uncle and first cousins. Not for great aunts, 2nd cousins etc.

Yes, attendance can impact on ofsted gradings, and if a child is absent on census day, the school may lose their whole funding for the entire year.

I think part of the issue is the massive increase in termtime holidays, meaning schools are having to crack down on all absences to try to keep their figures acceptable. Another example of the behaviour of a few people, leading to others being unreasonably punished.

Don't ring her when you are angry, in fact do not ring at all.

Write to the school governors.

You are being treated appallingly so it's not surprising you are upset. I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a shock when something like that happens (my mum had a burst abdominal aneurysm).

I am sure all will be well and you won't be fined. If you get a bill, don't pay it, just send it back and let them do their worst. However it will not come to that.