Is my child’s school being extremely unreasonable?

[RainbowSlidders]

As the title says, I am so bloody angry/upset right now I don’t want to respond until I have had confirmation that they are being as unreasonable as I think.

I lost my dad on Sunday late evening, he lived 300+ miles away including a ferry journey we rushed down Friday AFTER school and drove back early hours of Monday morning all kids attended school Monday. This was a very unexpected death, he had not been ill and was very active and health for a 78 year old. He suffered a brain haemorrhage, the bleed was massive and catastrophic.

Due to cultural differences the funeral lasts 7 days, I understand this is not the norm and my children won’t be attending the full 7 days. The service will take place Thursday, I submitted a leave of absence form for Wed/Thurs/Fri due to the journey. The attendance officer from my son’s school has just rang and been extremely unpleasant, said it will be unauthorised as it’s not viewed by the school as an exceptional circumstance and we will be charged £160 fine as my son had a week off in July for surgery. I made it clear I did not agree and the fine won’t change my mind I was going to my dad’s funeral. I also said it was exceptional circumstances as you only die once, maybe not my finest moment but it was the least rude thing I could think of.

Am I being ridiculous? I have been feeling really off since Sunday, crying on and off for no particular reason so not sure if it is actually me being unreasonable. Monday after dropping the younger 2 at school I had to drop my eldest daughter off at university for her first day which was also very emotional for us both.

I think you absolutely should bring that up. That's astonishingly hypocritical.
Regardless of that, if it is your culture to mourn in that way, it's racist to not authorise the absence. I am sorry that the school is adding to your stress like this.

Yes, unreasonable, FIL died in January, we had one DC in Y6 Primary and one DC in Y8 Secondary, both schools immediately came back with authorisations, condolences and offers of extra support.

First of all I am so sorry for your loss OP, I know it feels so much worse when it is unexpected. You must be devastated by that alone, but having to see your DD off to uni too, must have felt like everything and everyone was against you, and then you get this response from some jobsworth in a school!! No wonder you're angry, I'd be absolutely fuming! Thankfully my kids are way past school age, and I do understand how important it is for kids to attend, but in a circumstance like this, I find myself horrified by the lack of empathy being shown at such a difficult time. I would tell anyone involved in this to go to hell, and I would definitely NOT be paying a fine. Absolutely DISGUSTING behaviour on the school's part.

If your son had surgery and you gave evidence for it, it won't have been unauthorised so there must be more to it. The school will give you a day for the funeral but the rest will be unauthorised this will be the same at most schools, my schools attendance officer would only give a day for funeral maybe a day for travel. There are tough guidelines they have to follow and they can't make the rules up as they go.

They’d be prising the fine from my cold, dead hands.
Tell them to get to fuck.

Signed,
a teacher.

I would ring/e-mail the attendance officer back and ask him to put all that in writing: you found it difficult to follow what he said because of your grief, esp concerning your son's previous week 'off', etc etc. Ten to one you'll hear no more. If he does e-mail back, forward it to the governors / Daily Mail via us!

The attendance rules are as draconian as a lot of rules from Academies seem to be. We are supposed to have moved on from Victorian theories of education, yet here we are.

I'm sorry you need to deal with this on top of everything else.

I'd definitely escalate it. I'd lean especially hard on the cultural aspect and throw around terms like protected characteristics (race and religion) and the Equality Act. You should not be discriminated against on the basis of your religion or race. And also, as others have said, the medical absence shouldn't be counted as unauthorised, what the hell?!

I would say exactly that. On their social media pages.

The school is not just acting unreasonably, they are breaking the law.

The week in July for surgery is not unauthorised absence. The school is acting unlawfully by treating it as such. Without that absence, taking 3 days for a funeral would not trigger a fine even if the school did treat it as unauthorised.

There is guidance from the National Association of Head Teachers that says, "Absences to visit seriously-ill relatives or for bereavement of a close family member are usually considered to amount to ‘exceptional circumstances’, but for the funeral service and travelling time only, not for extended leave". This is not binding on schools, but I would expect most schools to follow it.

You should ask the attendance officer why they are unlawfully treating your son's absence for surgery as unauthorised and why they are ignoring NAHT guidance regarding your father's funeral.

He still has 100% attendance - having time off for an operation, dental appointment, funeral etc doesn't count as an absence.

Take your children and simply don't pay!

They let children take days off school to attend outside sporting events that they are competing in!!!!

@RainbowSlidders - I am sorry for your loss.

Please see my other post on this thread. The school is being thoroughly unreasonable and, if they are using your son's absence for surgery to justify a fine, they are acting unlawfully.

Me too, OP I am so so sorry for your loss, and I can only imagine how emotional it must be losing your dad and dealing with the first say of university for your DD.

I cannot believe how nasty the school have been. I'm really outraged for you. You deserve to be treated with care and respect in times like these. Definitely complain to the governors.

And what the hell is going on anyway, when they complain your son has already been absent for a required surgery? I mean, for God's sake. It's like the Hunger Games over there!

That's terrible, sorry for your loss.
Of course the school are being unreasonable.
When you feel up to it write a letter to the headteacher and governors because they really shouldn't be talking to people like that when they're going through a family bereavement

I’m a teacher. Three days for a grandfather’s funeral would always be allowed - it would come with words of sympathy and promises to keep an extra special eye on the children / cutting them some slack and being understanding if they don’t do homework etc

I would assume the member of staff you spoke to was being ridiculous. I would politely but firmly email the head teacher, copying in the chair of governors (and the class teacher so they know and can keep an eye on your child).

Really sorry for your loss Xx

I lost my Dad last year in similar circumstances. At a time like this this hassle is the last thing you need. You are right to be very angry OP - I hope you hand their arses to them on a plate. I am so sorry for your loss

@RainbowSlidders a pp have said go straight to governors and find out about official complaints process.

if you don’t feel you are getting anywhere I wouldn’t normally advocate this, but go to your local ‘paper’ the school will obvs hate this but this is actually something that is really unforgivable from the school. And imo abusing what the unauthorised absence process/fine is meant for.

I'm so sorry you've lost your dad.

good advice from PP ^^

Get their position in writing.

Another way would be to email and say I am in the throes of grief and just wanted to confirm that my understanding was correct:
you won't authorise abscence to attend his grandparent's funeral, where your religion/culture requires presence over a number of days, and which you believe is necessary for him to participate in for mental health and wellbeing.
because DS had time off for essential surgery and recovery last year

DS has an otherwise 100% attendance record.

-

Then request that this is reconsidered, with urgency

Medical is always authorised, therefore irrelevant. They will be making this decision currently in line with their own cumulative attendance targets, nothing to do with his personal attendance.

They can choose to authorise the abscence for funeral under exceptional circumstances as stated on govt' website

It is worth looking at their written policy too and quote it back to them if helpful.

I would reply to abscence person (who tend to be gung ho) and cc Headteacher, and Pastoral Lead also and Lead Attendance Governor in. I would hold the school closure for a teacher's funeral in reserve should you need it.

ELMhouse, that is a great post. I also thought of the op going to the local press but let's see how it goes with the governors because I doubt she wants personal publicity.

It's a sad state of affairs if kids aren't let off school - and op has said they won't be attending all of the Shiva, only bits of it - following a sudden bereavement like this.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP - the sudden death of a parent is such a shock, and you also have to support your kids through the loss of their grandad. It makes me so angry that the school have put you through additional stress at such a difficult time. I don't have any useful suggestions - my kids are in their 30s and there were no draconian attendance rules when they were at school. just reasonable expectations (and the occasional person who took the piss, but not many of them). So I don't have any experience of this situation, and other posters have given useful suggestions, but I didn't want to just cut and run. I do hope you manage to sort things out with the minimum of additional stress and unpleasantness.

Lovely post.

That’s outrageous. Definitely go through the channels to complain. Although probably that’s the last thing you need right now dealing with a sudden loss. My condolences.

i’m very sorry for your loss.

I’d email the Attendance Officer asking them to confirm in writing their position re the absence for surgery in July and the requested absence for the funeral. This may well bring about a backtrack in itself. If not, forward the email on to the Head, asking if this can be resolved informally or whether you should follow the steps in the formal complaint procedure (copy will be on the school’s website). I’d politely mention the school closing for the maths teacher when you forward it on to the Head, and ask for clarity around the application of the rules.

Hopefully the Attendance Officer will take the opportunity to reflect and therefore make any further action unnecessary. I would imagine you have plenty on your plate without having to battle with the school.

FWIW, we would probably authorise 2 days for the funeral (one for funeral, one for travelling) and anything extra would be marked as unauthorised. As the surgery should have been authorised, this would not result in a fine and we wouldn’t make a fuss about the unauthorised extra day,

So sorry for your loss.

The new code of conduct was introduced this academic year so therfore I would be surprised if an absence that occurred in July could even be included,check this out with your local authority, as I work in that area and would not be able to do this.
Nevertheless you should be able to obtain medical evidence for the July absences regardless which would mean that you haven't met the criteria.
Again I would speak to the Education department for clarity but seems that the school need Education on the new protocol.
You can also refer to DFE if you want to find anything out yourself on EPNs. Your schools website should also have up-to-date information available to parents.
Good luck with it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Tell them to go fuck them selves. What a horrible response.

I hope you’ll all be ok. 💐