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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my child’s school being extremely unreasonable?

313 replies

RainbowSlidders · 18/09/2024 13:42

As the title says, I am so bloody angry/upset right now I don’t want to respond until I have had confirmation that they are being as unreasonable as I think.

I lost my dad on Sunday late evening, he lived 300+ miles away including a ferry journey we rushed down Friday AFTER school and drove back early hours of Monday morning all kids attended school Monday. This was a very unexpected death, he had not been ill and was very active and health for a 78 year old. He suffered a brain haemorrhage, the bleed was massive and catastrophic.

Due to cultural differences the funeral lasts 7 days, I understand this is not the norm and my children won’t be attending the full 7 days. The service will take place Thursday, I submitted a leave of absence form for Wed/Thurs/Fri due to the journey. The attendance officer from my son’s school has just rang and been extremely unpleasant, said it will be unauthorised as it’s not viewed by the school as an exceptional circumstance and we will be charged £160 fine as my son had a week off in July for surgery. I made it clear I did not agree and the fine won’t change my mind I was going to my dad’s funeral. I also said it was exceptional circumstances as you only die once, maybe not my finest moment but it was the least rude thing I could think of.

Am I being ridiculous? I have been feeling really off since Sunday, crying on and off for no particular reason so not sure if it is actually me being unreasonable. Monday after dropping the younger 2 at school I had to drop my eldest daughter off at university for her first day which was also very emotional for us both.

OP posts:
Choochoo21 · 18/09/2024 17:37

Do you have a partner?

Get him to deal with this and you try and put it out of your mind.

Your DH needs to email the head teacher and ask if it’s correct.
I would then appeal it and take it to the governors and even higher.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

johnd2 · 18/09/2024 17:41

If they are being like that do you think that they think it's an excuse? I wonder if some unscrupulous parents have used that as an excuse in the past, and now they are going in guns blazing before establishing the facts?

RainbowSlidders · 18/09/2024 17:49

Thank you everyone for your kindness it is very much appreciated.

DS has come home upset, this woman has said I need to write her a formal letter “explaining myself.” I’m not sure what for? I have used the correct form, so angry I forced him in on Monday now. Dh has said he will go in tomorrow to ask wtf is the problem.

The school is an academy so not sure if they make their own rules up? DD is at a different school and they were very kind to her today but not heard back from them about the funeral. My eldest dd university had been really supportive to so I’m not sure what’s going on at my son’s school.

OP posts:
RainbowSlidders · 18/09/2024 17:52

@johnd2 they can think it’s any excuse all they want, I have a death certificate that at this moment I am happy to roll up and stick up her arse.

OP posts:
iwfja · 18/09/2024 17:58

Disgusting behaviour by the attendance officer
"Explain yourself"???
Oh do fuck off.

I would ignore all of it for now, get the funeral over with and then take it to the governors. I wouldn't be writing any letters or answering any more calls to do with it.
They absolutely should not be harrassing you like this at a terrible time.

I'm very sorry about your Dad. I also lost my Dad suddenly like that and it's absolutely horrendous.

Seatalteaxl · 18/09/2024 18:02

Outrageous. Are the children generally happy at school? As I could consider moving them for this.

nosleepforme · 18/09/2024 18:08

No this isn’t okay. The circumstances are exceptional. It’s obviously not ideal, but neither was dad dying, so too bad. It’s pretty nasty to call and be rude at this time, very inappropriate and unprofessional way of them handling things!

Superhansrantowindsor · 18/09/2024 18:15

School are so out of order. In time, when you have a chance to grieve and you feel ready , you need to complain to governors. At the moment your focus must be your family. I’m sorry for your loss.

Ihopeithinkiknow · 18/09/2024 18:19

So not only are you dealing with your loss you now have to worry about getting fines because your kids are gonna miss less than a week at school to be with family while you are all grieving. This makes me so mad, when my son died 2 years ago I phoned my daughters high school to let them know what had happened and she will be back when she is back and thankfully they said "that is no problem at all" and even now they are still being brilliant with the support they offer her. I am so sorry for your loss and my advice would be to just try and concentrate on what you need to do now as a family and complain about the heartless twat after. I'm well aware that rules are rules but I'm sick to death of there being no leeway when people go through stuff like this

MadCatWoman7 · 18/09/2024 18:20

I would just take my children, submit a letter to the head as to why and what sort of a reception you received, and face the music when you get back from the funeral. Family is everything and your father passing so unexpectedly is the most important matter in hand for both you and your family right now. He is their grandfather. If you do get flack when you get back, take it to the board of governors, your MP, council education department etc. The school's attitude is unacceptable.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/09/2024 18:30

So sorry for your loss. Not only have they been bullying you. They've been bullying your son too. It must have been horrid for him to be told you had to write to "explain yourself".
What an absolute lack of support in the face of a very sudden family bereavement.

I'd be considering writing to the education authority as well as the Head/govenors.
It doesn't sound like a school that has a caring attitude. Do they have form for being so unreasonable?

prh47bridge · 18/09/2024 18:35

RainbowSlidders · 18/09/2024 17:49

Thank you everyone for your kindness it is very much appreciated.

DS has come home upset, this woman has said I need to write her a formal letter “explaining myself.” I’m not sure what for? I have used the correct form, so angry I forced him in on Monday now. Dh has said he will go in tomorrow to ask wtf is the problem.

The school is an academy so not sure if they make their own rules up? DD is at a different school and they were very kind to her today but not heard back from them about the funeral. My eldest dd university had been really supportive to so I’m not sure what’s going on at my son’s school.

All schools can make their own decision on what qualifies for authorised absence, but they must follow the national rules and the law regarding fines. As per my previous posts, if they count your son's absence for an operation as unauthorised, they are acting unlawfully.

Channellingsophistication · 18/09/2024 18:48

So sorry for your loss. You are not being unreasonable at all. School are being totally unreasonable.

BirthdayRainbow · 18/09/2024 18:52

Did the woman say to your child that you need to write in and explain yourself? That just adds to the outrageousness of her behaviour.

I am sorry for your loss.

MrsR87 · 18/09/2024 19:14

I’m a recent ex-teacher and this is terrible! If I found out this about a child in my class/form I would be kicking up a fuss on their behalf.

It’s quite staggering when mental health of children is so high up on the agenda of schools! Children need time to grieve; for some that might involve keeping their minds busy in school but for most it will absolutely be spending time with family and perhaps attending the funeral!

I would suggest sending your DH into the school or calling them in a very calm manner as I think most school staff would be appalled and would help with your case.

Sorry for your loss.

Trallers · 18/09/2024 19:19

I would document all interactions so far as factually as possible (keep emotion out of it for now) while it's fresh. Dates, times, what was said. Then take it higher and ask for input on how to deal with a) the situation of the fine/leave and b) the member of staff behaving like that towards your family (especially your son) whilst dealing with a loss.

tsmainsqueeze · 18/09/2024 19:52

I am so sorry, why would anyone choose to be so harsh and unreasonable about this ?
My 3 kids were heartbroken when we lost my dad , children should have every right to time off for this reason.
The attendance officer could get weeks off in theory due to a bereavement without any penalty so very unfair.
I would absolutely fight this and i would certainly remind her of what you said about them closing the school due to a bereavement.

morningtoncrescent62 · 18/09/2024 19:52

RainbowSlidders · 18/09/2024 17:49

Thank you everyone for your kindness it is very much appreciated.

DS has come home upset, this woman has said I need to write her a formal letter “explaining myself.” I’m not sure what for? I have used the correct form, so angry I forced him in on Monday now. Dh has said he will go in tomorrow to ask wtf is the problem.

The school is an academy so not sure if they make their own rules up? DD is at a different school and they were very kind to her today but not heard back from them about the funeral. My eldest dd university had been really supportive to so I’m not sure what’s going on at my son’s school.

Oh ffs, it sounds like you're dealing with a right little jobsworth (as we used to call them) at your son's school. Just imagine upsetting your DS at a time when he's grieving, and making things more difficult for you. As for explaining yourself, just who do they think they're talking to? I hope your DH is able to get them to see sense. Again, OP, I'm so sorry that you're being put through this unnecessary extra stress and upset.

ridl14 · 18/09/2024 19:57

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐 as a teacher, this is horrendous. Of course you should go and the fine is ridiculous! He was off for surgery as well!

FasterMichelin · 18/09/2024 19:59

That's awful, I'm so sorry. Fight back. How disrespectful of them, and to tell your son you need to explain yourself!? Sorry but who the F is she/he? I would definitely mention that in the letter...

Dear xxx

I understand you told my grieving son that I, his mother, need to 'explain myself'. That feels very patronising and dismissive, but even so, here is my explanation...

What a twat they are.

Cherrysoup · 18/09/2024 20:04

I’d be furious-teacher here. A student has been granted leave of absence for a family wedding in a far flung country this week. Another was competing in a sport, granted for 3 days. Generally, we just allow a week or so for funerals, which may well be hundreds of miles away, like the OP’s. I too would contact head and chair of governors, I think the way you’ve been spoken to and told you’ll be given a fine is epically shit.

Stanleycupsarecool · 18/09/2024 20:10

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I would not let this drop, I’d be recording everything and getting everything in writing. They are discriminating against you if nothing else, not to mention the fact the are completely heartless.

All these threads regarding the ridiculous focus on attendance are really making me want to homeschool my DD when the times comes.

Mummapenguin20 · 18/09/2024 20:12

Wtf have I just read. So sorry about your dad op. Tell them to fine you let them take you to court there going to look absolutely stupid x

HauntedbyMagpies · 18/09/2024 20:18

Oh how awful 😣 I'm sorry for your loss OP. I'm very impressed that you tolerated two such massive journeys whilst in the throes of grief, with kids! You're a strong woman.
As for the school - absolute bullshit. Whoever you spoke to sounds completely devoid of any compassion.
Just ignore it for now. Concentrate on what matters then appeal & complain later.

dapsnotplimsolls · 18/09/2024 20:37

I'm sorry for your loss. Can you see the attendance policy on the school website? The July one should be medical and wasn't the same school year anyway. The distance involved should qualify as exceptional circumstances.

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