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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

545 replies

IVFendomum · 17/09/2024 19:33

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 17/09/2024 19:36

Aa long as you don't phrase it as a party, more a we're going out if you want to join us.

Its a bit odd, but make sure everyone ia cleqr there is no food especially

Catza · 17/09/2024 19:36

Seems fine to me. My friend organized a get away for her birthday and we are all paying for our own tickets and board. I don't see it being any different to that.

littleredcaravan · 17/09/2024 19:37

I think it's fine as long as the invitation is clear what type of event it is.

Maybe something like

" date - time

Location

We have reserved an area for us to get together for drinks to celebrate X's 40th "

Perhaps include a drinks/bar snack menu so it's clear people need to pay for themselves

Zizanna · 17/09/2024 19:37

I think it’s fine for very close friends, but if I am invited to a party like that I would expect at least food. Most parties I go to serve food/ snacks and maybe the first drink for free. Would also depend if you have been to these people’s parties and what they have provided to you then.

Kitkat1523 · 17/09/2024 19:38

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 17/09/2024 19:36

Aa long as you don't phrase it as a party, more a we're going out if you want to join us.

Its a bit odd, but make sure everyone ia cleqr there is no food especially

This…..phrase it as we are just going out, nothing special….I would specifically say it’s not a party so no food etc …..then there will be no expectations

Putting · 17/09/2024 19:38

I think you need to provide at least a couple of rounds of drinks for the type of event you’ve described.

If you can’t afford that then may be better to arrange a meal and make it clear at the start everyone pays their own way.

Newgirls · 17/09/2024 19:39

Can you ask the pub to do a welcome glass of fizz for everyone? Put out bowls of chips etc? After that they can buy own drinks?

InTheRainOnATrain · 17/09/2024 19:39

I’ve never been to a party like that- usually you at least get a drink when you arrive and nibbles off a sharingboard. But I wouldn’t be offended or anything. Just make it clear, ‘join us in the pub for drinks’ sort of thing rather than make it sound like you’re hosting. And think about timing, if it starts at 7 and there’s no food people may drop off early because they won’t have eaten before and are starving.

Kinneddar · 17/09/2024 19:39

So long as you make it very clear well in advance that everyone's paying their own.

I think though you should budget for buying everyone a drink on arrival

SixNewThreads · 17/09/2024 19:40

I would assume a party had food and drink. Just be clear in advance.

YOYOK · 17/09/2024 19:40

Newgirls · 17/09/2024 19:39

Can you ask the pub to do a welcome glass of fizz for everyone? Put out bowls of chips etc? After that they can buy own drinks?

I’d do this. I think it’s a bit weird to not offer anything but equally, wouldn’t expect to be fed and drink for free. Just a token something.

bergamotorange · 17/09/2024 19:40

You have to make it clear on the invitation - you are not organising a party, you are asking people to come to a bar and buy their own drinks.

Scallopp · 17/09/2024 19:41

How have you phrased it? Would you all like to come for a meal? Or you're invited to xxx's party. One involves food, one doesn't.

lunar1 · 17/09/2024 19:42

I think you'd need to say 'first drinks on me' then it's clear you aren't paying for more, but it's a nice gesture.

If you have people coming from further they might be staying the night, it would be really odd not to provide anything.

DappledThings · 17/09/2024 19:42

It's fine, if you phrase it as saying you've reserved an area in a bar and we'll be there at X time then it doesn't sound like a party so people won't be expecting to be given anything for free. If you invited people to a party at a venue like a hall or your home that would be different

Nousernamesleftatall · 17/09/2024 19:42

How many are going? Can’t you even do some sharing platters?

MintyNew · 17/09/2024 19:43

What would be the point though? So you invite them to celebrate your dh but really offer nothing? As you said some people would even travel in. I think you should provide some drink and at least something to eat.

KatyaKabanova · 17/09/2024 19:43

As it's a special birthday, people will probably feel obliged to bring a gift. Make it clear it's not a party and you're spending no money on anyone.
If you can't afford to do anything, maybe just don't?.

Alongthepineconetrail · 17/09/2024 19:45

If it's for his 40th then people will bring a gift regardless of whether you've said it's an official celebration or not. I think it's a bit cheeky to do this because it's like you're having a party but not.

If you're skint then ditch the party because it looks like you're expecting the guests to fund a party you can't afford to host. A bit cheeky fuckery and looks like you're only doing it for the social media pics.

Scallopp · 17/09/2024 19:47

MintyNew · 17/09/2024 19:43

What would be the point though? So you invite them to celebrate your dh but really offer nothing? As you said some people would even travel in. I think you should provide some drink and at least something to eat.

The point being for their friends to celebrate with them. Most people aren't grabby and dont need to be given something for free.

YogiBearcub · 17/09/2024 19:48

I think you need to be super upfront about it. Be clear that the gift is their presence. This said I would probably try to get some sharing platters of food for all even if you won't fork out for drinks or it just looks really mean. It is better than providing the drinks as those who are not drinking will feel they miss out.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/09/2024 19:49

I think a minimum of 1 round of drinks on arrival and sufficient nibbles is the very least I would do, won't people be bringing him a gift?

KatyaKabanova · 17/09/2024 19:49

Alongthepineconetrail · 17/09/2024 19:45

If it's for his 40th then people will bring a gift regardless of whether you've said it's an official celebration or not. I think it's a bit cheeky to do this because it's like you're having a party but not.

If you're skint then ditch the party because it looks like you're expecting the guests to fund a party you can't afford to host. A bit cheeky fuckery and looks like you're only doing it for the social media pics.

This.
Although I'd say sm pics and the gifts.

Saschka · 17/09/2024 19:49

If you are reserving an area, can you pay for some crisps/snacks to start with? Wouldn’t need to be a lot, or very expensive (ten bags of crisps wouldn’t cost much, and you could buy a bottle or two of wine to share if your friends drink wine).

MintyNew · 17/09/2024 19:50

@Scallopp I'm not sure if you have ever been to an event, but if you invite people and they make an effort and turn up with a give the bare minimum decent thing you do is give them a drink and a bite to eat.