To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Just make it clear that there will be no food. Then people have the option of where they are going to eat instead of being forced to eat at the bar you are at.

I have been invited to a wedding where there will be no food but in an area where you can easily get anything you want.

food at parties/ weddings is often rubbish anyway

If you are too broke to host a party then don’t host a party. You can’t afford a party. Simple,

It's absolutely fine to tell close friends you're meeting up at x bar for birthday drinks. Have done this many a time for friends 30th/40th/50th birthdays. Not everyone can afford a party. It's not a party in the traditional sense and I wouldn't expect food in those circumstances

People don't bring gifts to a man's 40th, especially not held in a bar! They'll offer to buy him a birthday drink.

@IVFendomum I do think you need to provide food, especially when they are travelling in. And ideally a first drink at minimum. It is your husband's birthday and you've not said it's a surprise so presumably he can help to finance it if he wants it to go ahead? I imagined he'd rather do that then invite a bunch of people and have them go hungry.

If you can't afford it between you, can you move it to your home so you can host a bit more easily and provide some food/drinks?

It's his 40th. Gifts are relevant.

But you want the glory of hosting a party without literally any cost to yourself!

Exactly and not only that but the OP and her DH will probably not go near the bar all evening because they'll have all of their drinks bought for them by unwitting 'guests', and the DH will go home with armfuls of gifts.

Cringeworthy!

FWIW for my husbands 50th we were skint so I invited 10 or so people round to our house / garden for drinks and finger food, it was fab!

Imagine going to a 40th and there would be no drinks and no food whatsoever. Wtf?

I think I live in a parallel world to most of the posters here. In our group of friends and extended friends it’s completely normal to do what the OP is suggesting. Everyone knows it’s meeting up at a bar with a reserved space, no expectations of any food or drink being provided. Most people offer to buy the birthday boy/girl a drink and then people just buy their own!

Worst CF’s in a long time. 😂 And Op is trying to justify it. For a 40th. 😫😂

Seems like no one in this thread has ever been to an event held at a bar or social club. Of course you're not expected to pay for drinks or food. Especially in London. The guests can offer to buy the birthday boy a drink if they feel like it. No one is buying a 40 year old man birthday presents unless they're his immediate family.

It's not a kids' birthday party fgs. I think the last time some of the people in this thread went out was about 1982 by the sounds of things.

This is exactly what op should be doing.

Why the pricey bar in London? If you find the food pricey won't your friends as well?
Sorry but I think it's poor form to invite anyone to something you're celebrating and not even give them something to eat. Even worse as it's in the evening.

This would be totally normal in my group of friends - we often have birthday drinks in a bar/pub and there's absolutely no expectation of food or free booze. Unlike some of the horrified people on this thread we actually love eachother and enjoy getting together for fun and celebrations. OP go ahead - you know your friends and I'm sure they will just be happy to see you.

She's not hosting a party. She's just arranged for a private area in a bar all his friends can meet. People that can't afford a full on catered party can still meet for drinks and have a good time 🙄

Absolutely wouldn't phase me at all OP. A drink on arrival or some nibbles are nice but I wouldn't think anything of it if it was just a buy your own situation. I must move in different circles to some of the PPs. I don't need any kind of freebie in order to celebrate my friends.

There's irony in people who want a free bar and a meal laid on before they'd even consider attending calling you grabby...

The poster implied you need to provide drinks etc as they'll be bringing gifts.
The consensus appears to be pub = just meeting for drinks. Reserving an area = drinks must be provided. I'm saying they'll bring gifts either way. So no, they're not relevant

Hi OP,

What kind of bar is it that you have reserved? This makes a difference. If it is an "after work" kind of bar, say for example it's an All Bar One type of place, then it is fine to invite people along to buy their own drinks. A well written, but casual, invite will explain this and manage a guest's expectation.

If you have reserved a bar in a more elevated place, with cocktails, music, or a DJ, etc then no, it is not okay to forego any hospitality to your guests on arrival. Ironically, it is cheaper to buy several rounds at the first bar for guests than it is at the second.

You also can't ask guests to travel long distance or miss "dinner" without offering something. It's really important to pick the right venue for your budget and communicate well with guests so everyone feels good about the experience.

Sorry but no. To not even pay for one drink, that is cheap. For a 40th.

OP never called it a party or claimed to be hosting one.

Have people really never heard of the concept of meeting for drinks for someone's birthday rather than having a party? I had no idea this entirely normal thing was so outlandish in some circles.

I would phrase it as you're going out and have reserved an area at the bar, if people would like to join. Make sure they know food and drink aren't being provided so they can eat beforehand. I wouldn't be cheeky enough to turn up and expect to be fed/bought drinks at your expense, but would appreciate knowing so I could eat before leaving the house.

I meant from the perspective of the host.
Eg. OP invites everyone to an expensive bar on her husband's 40th birthday and expects them to fork out.
But my yes 100% if I was a host I would be embarrassed at taking advantage of my friends in this way, accepting gifts and celebrating on their money.

It does sound I need to provide food at least - it won’t be the cocktail sausage type cheapo option as it’s quite a smart bar, it’ll be pretty pricey I think

But does it have to be at this bar, where it wouldn't just be expensive for you but all the friends too?

I realise you said your own place isn't big enough to host - though you could always invite fewer people - but why not hire a cheap hall or something, buy your own booze instead of paying extortionate bar prices and ask the guests to bring a dish each as their gift?

You're asking people to come and celebrate his birthday though? Put themselves out to do that when you're doing nothing other than letting people know where you'll be?

That's ok I suppose but you need to be very, very clear on the information (not invitation, because it isn't) that there will be no drinks or food provided. It will then be clear that people are to pay for their own. If they're so minded then they'll come and there won't be any expectation of anything from you.

I think it's a bit weird and against the grain but as long as you're clear that you're not providing anything at all, it should work.

I was at my friends 40th in January in a bar and now thinking back.

Is there a menu in this bar that people can order food from?If not, could you provide some snacks bought cheaply at aldi as nibbles? I feel like it's nice to have something ... even just crisps, crackers, dip etc.

As for drinks, people can definitely by their own drinks. You're in a bar after all! No expectation on you there!