To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

It's not grabby to expect hosts to....host. It's not being given something for free, it's celebrating because you've been invited. I think it's very rude to provide nothing for people who have come to celebrate with you.
Even if someone comes to your house, you offer them tea or coffee, that's not grabby.

If its a party yes. If its let's all go for a meal for x's birthday then people just sort their own bill.

Might be a regional thing but I would not expect a meal / free drink in the circumstances you describe. We always pay for ourselves if we go out for a meal or drinks for a friends birthday, I anything it would be the guests buying a drink for the birthday person not the other way around.

I would just say something like
"Heading to x for a few drink on Friday for John's birthday. Would live if you could join us"

Yes I would be offended if I had travelled for a 40th and it was just an area set aside in a bar without at least one welcome drink and some crisps and olives. Yes I would judge you. If you can’t afford to host / prefer to spend money on a night away, don’t call it a party and don’t call it a 40th. People will very likely bring gifts - no way would I turn up empty handed to someone’s 40th drinks.

If you invite people, then you're a host and you should provide something.

Depends how it's worded...if can you come to xs birthday or we would love for you to come to xs birthday I'd expect at least a small buffet.

If you saying we are going for a few drinks Friday night around 10 at the bar if you're out pop in means no food ?

Come to think of it, I would very clearly state NO GIFTS on the invite to the non-party

"A 40th" is actually short for "a 40th birthday party" or "40th birthday celebration".

How can you have a party or celebration in a bar....without drinks or food?

Do it if you want to, but be very clear (although I don't know how you can without sounding a bit weird).

I think you just don't have the budget to do all the things you want to do. Which is totally fine. Gift + party + weekend away is a lot. Maybe do the celebration later in the year or at home when you can get more for your buck?

Fine and expected if you’re below 30. Not fine or expected if you’re above 30.

I wouldn't be expecting drinks because that can get very expensive very quickly, but I would be expecting food - spring roll and a cocktail sausages type stuff, not anything fancy.

Why don't you involve your husband in this? You clearly have a some kind of separate finances arrangement but surely you could agree that a milestone birthday party might come out of family money? He might have feelings on this too and not want to feel awkward around his friends, whichever way he lands on it.

I think you have to be really, really clear on the invitation that no refreshments are on offer.

The fact you're splashing out on taking your husband on holiday and on a gift but you aren't prepared to spend on even a token drink per person and some snacks doesn't make you come across brilliantly, if I'm honest.

If it was a day-before casual text message, join us in the Dog and Duck and have a drink with us Dave's 40th, that's one thing, but when you get into issuing formal invitations, meaning people make arrangements around it in order to attend, it isn't very polite to offer nothing at all.

Like I said it depends how it was phrased. If they've been invited to a party, yes something needs providing. It's grabby to say well what's the point, like the poster did who I was replying to.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I think it'd more unreasonable to expect to be paid for. I would just pop on the invite the plans and state food and drink aren't included. I don't care if it is included, I just want to know before hand :)

@Businessflake spot on - I think this was in the back of my mind when I was responding. Apart from my 21st when my parents gave me money to put behind the bar and pay for some food, birthday drinks in my 20s was just a gathering. 30th birthday - I put money on the bar. Did nothing for 9 years then paid for drinks / brunch / various parties for my 40th. Haven’t done anything for years but have set money aside for proper parties for my and dh 50ths in the future.

organising birthday drinks past a certain age and not even standing one round is not on (like I said if you can’t afford it, host at home or not at all)

I just find it strange that you're inviting people - so you're a host, but you don't want to spend any money, but there's obviously going to be gifts and celebrations and photographs?

You need to make it very clear you aren't hosting a party but are going for drinks they are welcome to join

Each to their own but i wouldn't do it, if i couldn't afford at least one drink & some nibbles i'd do something smaller- a few friends at my house etc.

Its a bit stingy, but I get it. Could you maybe BYO fizz and maybe BYO birthday cake to share? The pub may charge a small fee. At least its something. Or, as others have said, make it crystal clear everyone is paying for their own.

This. You're going to come across as a cheapskate & very inhospitable especially if people are travelling long distancs. You'll need to provide a list of restaurants and possibly hotels for the long distance guests.

I agree, @Twinklefloss . If you can't afford it, don't do it.

Clearly I hang out with a different crowd, because there would be no expectation for birthday drinks in a bar to be paid for by the host. Birthday boy would likely receive plenty of drinks from friends.

You definitely need to stretch to a few bottles of prosecco and some Nibbles.

I think a party without food isn't a party, sorry.

I am doing it to get together and have fun with friends, wish DH a happy birthday. Not arsed about pics on social…

I wouldn’t assume drinks, but I would assume a buffet unless I was told otherwise.