To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Classic I've gone part time after second child and thus have massively reduced income. He does pay for most stuff - including lions share of the biggest outgoings - mortgage, nursery fees etc. Not a financially abusive situation! I'm just feeling the income shortfall and we don't share a single bank account. Jury out on that - as I'm in theory in favour of independent finances. For a different thread I think...

I'm going to go against the grain here. I went to a 40th drinks at the weekend, it was phrased as "I'm having drinks at this place/time/date, would be lovely if you could join me. We will have birthday cake at around x time".
Lots of people came, everyone bought their own drinks, some bought food. All enjoyed cake. I'm sure some people bought presents, but as a school run Mum friend, it didn't even occur to me, and I didn't see lots of people with presents. Everyone had a lovely time.

What are you on about?! A “midlands” thing. Never once in my life have I thought that being invited for drinks means the host is going to be buying all the drinks. Born and raised in the South East, live in London now.

Like I said…it must be regional….no one would do that where I am

I would expect the first round of drinks / snacks to be paid if you’re hiring out a bar. But make sure you don’t keep an open tab and let everyone buy after that

What’s the drama here? Just with whatever is normal in your social circle. You won’t get anything from asking MN as some people are rich enough to hire a band to play in their massive house and serve champagne and canapés, others might go for a pint down the local.

For what it’s worth in our friend group (nobody is rich but not struggling for money either) someone just messages and says ‘It’s my 40th in October, anyone up for a night out to celebrate’ and they get lots of ‘oh yes, we could go to that new bar in town’ etc. Some of us might meet for dinner first but no expectations. We’d all make sure to buy the birthday person a drink. Nobody would bother with presents.

I wouldnt specify no gifts if you're putting food and drink on, why shouldn't he have gifts? It's normal to give someone a gift for their birthday.

I would phrase it as its x birthday and we thought it would ne nice to get together at x bar. From 8 pm. Please note no food /drinks will be provided so please eat before you come x

Independent finances while you aren't earning to care for a mutual child doesn't sound particularly sensible. Worth doing that other thread.

However considerable numbers on this thread think that the birthday person should pay for drinks and food

It was a bit of a tongue in cheek comment as others had brought region into it

Because this is MN, if you are expected to spend money getting there and on drinks then you don't have to take a gift because your mere presence is enough 🙄

I would put a certain amount behind the bar so that everyone got at least 1 drink and then buy some chips or sharing plates. Not a plated meal for everyone.

OP can’t afford that

It's absolutely astonishing how many people on here don't understand the concept of a birthday night out in town

No, I think most people understand that, but that isn't what the OP was suggesting.
If a friend says 'It's my birthday next week do fancy meeting for a curry / drinks / clubbing / an Italian?' then we would all totally expect to pay for ourselves. As in, a night out.
However the OP is talking about arranging a do for someone. Also, inviting some of his close friends from further afield. That makes it into a party, and yes, at a party, it is usually expected that the host puts on some food.

Anyway, glad you've resolved it OP and hope you have a lovely time.

I'm going to go against the grain here. I went to a 40th drinks at the weekend, it was phrased as "I'm having drinks at this place/time/date, would be lovely if you could join me. We will have birthday cake at around x time".

I think when it is worded like that there is no ambiguity, and it is obvious that the person inviting isn't actually hosting.

When we go out with friends for a meal for someone's birthday we don't expect them to buy us a meal - we pay for ourseves, but if we get invited to their house for a party they do lay on food and drink, although everyone brings drinks as well.

However the OP is talking about arranging a do for someone. Also, inviting some of his close friends from further afield.
How is she? Because she's doing it on someone else's behalf? Or because she's got someone in a bar to write her name on a bit of paper to hold a couple of tables? She can invite people to come from Australia if she wants to, doesn't change her night in a bar from being a night in a bar into a party.

Like the one I mentioned earlier, that I was invited from 300 miles away to join. That I happen to live quite far away didn't change a night in the pub into a party or mean I expected to be given food and drink.

My normal dinner time is 8.30-9 so if there's not going to be food I need to know so I can eat early, but I'll still be hungry again later if I eat at around 6

OP just don't call it a party. Call it getting together in the pub then it will be clear it's not a party (which should be catered).

If you are as broke as you say, don't host a party if you can't afford food (at the very least). For one it could leave a sour taste in your partners mouth if he realises you've done it and can't afford it.

Pleased to read your update, OP. Have a great evening.

Great decision and hope he has a great birthday. Wow - this thread created some debate. Even got me thinking about the matter!

So? If people want an engagement party and it's culturally important, they'll host one.
Generously.

Enough space to have someone come in for a cuppa, a snack or a meal?
I used to have a one bedroom flat in London. I still invited people round. Also fed them.

Anyway, I'm pleased to read your update, OP and that you're providing food and drink.
Have a great time!

Can you have a party at your home instead and get a load of drinks and snacks in from Aldi or Lidl? People will ask what they can bring if they come to your home and you can say bring a bottle. The whole thing will be more welcoming and probably cheaper than getting the first round of drinks for everyone in a pub!

You asked if people had really never been to a party with a free bar, and I was saying no that isn’t common in my circles either.

You are more than free to provide your guests with food, drink, or even a pony if you want to. It just isn’t something that my friends and family do, outside of weddings and funerals.