To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Nope OP. No matter what, it will come across as tight and mean not to provide anything on the night. Sorry but I would judge you for this if I had made a special effort to get there. Your husband might be mortified also....

Either have a proper "do" or don't bother, it could be quite embarrassing if people comment amongst themselves about the lack of hospitality provided.

It would be ok if you were meeting up in the local pub or something and people could just drop in for a bit. And no matter how you might phrase it on the invites it will come across as a non party party. At the very least, I'd expect some finger food and maybe the first drink. But not nothing at all. Sorry...

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, you just have to be clear about it when you invite people. It’d be different if you were having a party and buffet in your local rugby clubhouse, but even then I’d still expect people to pay for their own drinks at some point!

I’ve been to a 30th in a London reserved area in a pub, no food provided, think we may have had one drink provided, then paid for ourselves. Totally fine.

Presumably you’re inviting fairly close friends so it shouldn’t be an issue anyway.

If it’s a pub with a minimum spend in order to reserve the area, you could maybe cover that yourself if you felt inclined, then most people get a “free” drink. But honestly, good friends won’t give a shiny shit, they’ll just want to celebrate with you.

Christ as if I give a shit about gifts! I just want to have a fun night and celebrate his birthday with our friends.

What time is the event planned for? If it's over what would be a usually dinner time, say between 7pm-9pm then I think you either need to lay on some food or make it very clear that people should eat before they attend. Would it be possible to host a little party at your house, you could lay on an inexpensive spread, have some beer and wine ready to go and it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask friends to make a contribution by way of a bottle of wine in lieu of a gift.

People on MN are a different breed, obviously used to moving in circles where everything is always provided for them. In real life, it's not like that. Unless it's a party.

When I said what's the point, I meant if I was going to make the effort to go to someone's celebration the very least you could provide is some sort of drink/food if it's in the evening.

Well, if you're inviting people to someone's 40th, they're going to bring a gift.
People will make an effort, some will be travelling.
Maybe put that statement on the invitation about the shit..

I think people will be fine with drinks. I went to a friend's 50th which was held in a local bar and there were no free drinks but there was a buffet which she'd provided. It wasn't anything fancy, there were lots of crisps and nuts along with other things but it was nice that we all had some food. Oh and a birthday cake made by another friend for her.

@Scallopp funny enough, many posters have made the same point as me. The bare minimum etiquette is provide something.

I wouldn’t bother doing this if nothing is provided. I’d be annoyed to travel more than 25 mins for this

I don't know why people are talking about hosting. Asking people to join you in a public pub isn't hosting. It's just organising a time and place. So no expectation to provide anything.

🤣🤣

I’d expect some money behind the bar, although I’d be late anyway, so it’d be gone by then.

You may not want people to bring gifts but most people probably would if they've been invited to a party. If you worded the invite as ' come to x party' then I think people would expect food at least. If you worded it as ' we're getting together at x place for x birthday please feel free to join us' then I don't think people would expect food or bring a gift (some still might). How did you word the invite?

At a party, not in a public house.

It is a party though - a 40th.

I'd run it past your partner first, I'd be really not happy with this set up and I'd end up paying for everyone's drinks.

You give an invitation. You're a host.

@IVFendomum It's not going to be fun for the guests who'll be expecting a drink and at least some nibbles. Some guests might not have eaten beforehand expecting a buffet, birthday cake, forked out for travel, gift, possibly a baby sitter and not even a welcome drink. A bit shite if you ask me.

I think most people invited to a 40th with a reserved section in a bar would expect some food like nibbles and maybe a glass of bubbly.

Not a sit down meal and full drinks but something. Because it is an invite to a celebration in a reserved area.

This is normal in my groups of friends,

I would phrase it something like

Hey going out for DH birthday on ( this date) as it's a big one. I have reserved an area so we can all sit together. Let us know if you can make it.

Thanks

It depends who you're dealing with, in my world, Portuguese heritage, that could never fly! Food is an expected MUST. Could you not organise some sandwiches and cheese boards or something from the bar?

Perhaps important to ask the 40 year old if he wants a party and mention that if he says yes, you'll need him to contribute.

I invited my friend to join me for a drink after work next Thursday. Doesn't make me the host, just an organiser.

Arranging drinks in a pub is not at all the same as booking a venue for exclusive use and inviting people there or asking people to your home.

People won’t say anything…..but they will definitely think you are a cheapskate if you don’t even provide a few nibbles

if you have said
’Meet us at …. bar for some drinks for DH birthday’
the providing nothing is ok.

If you have said
’Pleaee come to dh birthday celebrations at private area of ….. bar from 8pm onwards ‘
then as the guest I would assume some sort of nibbles/light buffet. But would be expecting to buy my own drinks.