Page 22 | To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

IVFendomum · 2024-09-17T18:33:48+00:00

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all. I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income. AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Saschka · 18/09/2024 19:00

KatyaKabanova · 18/09/2024 18:25

Enough space to have someone come in for a cuppa, a snack or a meal?
I used to have a one bedroom flat in London. I still invited people round. Also fed them.

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Someone, yes. One person at a time. All of my husbands friends, all at once, for a party? No, there isn’t room for that.

KatyaKabanova · 18/09/2024 19:02

Saschka · 18/09/2024 18:58

You asked if people had really never been to a party with a free bar, and I was saying no that isn’t common in my circles either.

You are more than free to provide your guests with food, drink, or even a pony if you want to. It just isn’t something that my friends and family do, outside of weddings and funerals.

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I never said "free bar".
I've never been to a do with a free bar in my life.
Read my post.
I said I'd never been to a do where drinks weren't provided.
I think the OP is doing the right thing, providing food and drink - not limitless, not a free bar, just good hosting.

Moonshine5 · 18/09/2024 21:41

IVFendomum · 18/09/2024 10:39

Classic I've gone part time after second child and thus have massively reduced income. He does pay for most stuff - including lions share of the biggest outgoings - mortgage, nursery fees etc. Not a financially abusive situation! I'm just feeling the income shortfall and we don't share a single bank account. Jury out on that - as I'm in theory in favour of independent finances. For a different thread I think...

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Why are you spending all this money on him and struggling day to day financially. You're a family unit and you look after the children - is your DH aware of childcare costs and your precarious financial position?
Let him fund his 40th (overnight weekend / gifts etc - he clearly can afford to and you obviously can't.
I agree with with you OP and @GRex and do that other financial thread you suggested

GoldenSunflowers · 19/09/2024 08:35

Good decision, OP. Have some food and drinks to get the party started. Those who arrive too late will miss out (I’d be one, always last minute things to sort out with the kids), which is perfectly fine, but I think it’s good to splash out a bit on a 40th.

Toomanyemails · 19/09/2024 08:54

I'm going against the grain and saying this is fine! In my early 30s friend groups with very varied incomes it's the norm (and its not always those earning the least who expect their guests to pay their way), we get together to celebrate each other and not for a free drink. I've even travelled across the country for this kind of event in London and just made a nice weekend of it.

You just need to be clear when you invite people as others have said, and phrase it more as a get together than a party invite: "DP and I are going out to X bar for some drinks to celebrate his 40th, we've reserved an area and we'd love you to join if you're around!" You could maybe mention any happy hour or other deal the bar has on?

fortheveryfirsttime · 19/09/2024 09:14

IVFendomum · 18/09/2024 10:33

Thanks for all the replies!

Update I've told DH about it and he's very happy to pay for some food and drink. They've got some nice sharing platter type options.

I'm also gonna specify no gifts as its a good point that people will bring them and we really don't want/expect them. We just want to have a good night out and if people come along that is a gift in itself 🙏

Also feel that I want to point out I couldn't give a shit about social media! For those who said this is for social pics?!!!! Non merci.

I'm glad you're pleased with the outcome but I feel a bit sad that you've felt you needed to.

What you had planned was perfectly lovely.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 19/09/2024 11:37

fortheveryfirsttime · 19/09/2024 09:14

I'm glad you're pleased with the outcome but I feel a bit sad that you've felt you needed to.

What you had planned was perfectly lovely.

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Completely agree. 💐

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 19/09/2024 11:38

Hope the occasion is huge fun and the birthday chap and all your friends have a great time.

KatyaKabanova · 19/09/2024 16:29

Toomanyemails · 19/09/2024 08:54

I'm going against the grain and saying this is fine! In my early 30s friend groups with very varied incomes it's the norm (and its not always those earning the least who expect their guests to pay their way), we get together to celebrate each other and not for a free drink. I've even travelled across the country for this kind of event in London and just made a nice weekend of it.

You just need to be clear when you invite people as others have said, and phrase it more as a get together than a party invite: "DP and I are going out to X bar for some drinks to celebrate his 40th, we've reserved an area and we'd love you to join if you're around!" You could maybe mention any happy hour or other deal the bar has on?

You're not going against the grain. Lots of people have said exactly the same as you.

LouH5 · 19/09/2024 19:07

fortheveryfirsttime · 19/09/2024 09:14

I'm glad you're pleased with the outcome but I feel a bit sad that you've felt you needed to.

What you had planned was perfectly lovely.

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I really agree with this 😊 I also posted further up thread to say that meeting friends in a bar, I’d never expect food and drinks provided.

It sounds like it will be a great night, I hope you enjoy it!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/09/2024 10:27

IVFendomum · 18/09/2024 10:33

Thanks for all the replies!

Update I've told DH about it and he's very happy to pay for some food and drink. They've got some nice sharing platter type options.

I'm also gonna specify no gifts as its a good point that people will bring them and we really don't want/expect them. We just want to have a good night out and if people come along that is a gift in itself 🙏

Also feel that I want to point out I couldn't give a shit about social media! For those who said this is for social pics?!!!! Non merci.

That's great, I'm so glad you've got it sorted to your satisfaction, I hope your DH and you and your friends have a really lovely evening! And Happy 40th Birthday to your DH!

Original poster

IVFendomum · 20/09/2024 13:51

Moonshine5 · 18/09/2024 21:41

Why are you spending all this money on him and struggling day to day financially. You're a family unit and you look after the children - is your DH aware of childcare costs and your precarious financial position?
Let him fund his 40th (overnight weekend / gifts etc - he clearly can afford to and you obviously can't.
I agree with with you OP and @GRex and do that other financial thread you suggested

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I have actually tried to start a conversation with him about it today as resentment is starting to build up for me.

Will come back to MN depending on how it goes!

Thanks for all the posts - whether you think I’m BU or not. I asked for your honest opinions and got them! Am happy with the outcome with regards to the 40th.

OP posts:

YOYOK · 20/09/2024 23:00

IVFendomum · 20/09/2024 13:51

I have actually tried to start a conversation with him about it today as resentment is starting to build up for me.

Will come back to MN depending on how it goes!

Thanks for all the posts - whether you think I’m BU or not. I asked for your honest opinions and got them! Am happy with the outcome with regards to the 40th.

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Fair play to you for listening to every response and taking it graciously. I’m pleased you have the outcome you want and I hope it goes well. 🙂

Perhaps you need to find some time and sit down and properly talk about the finance issue. It sounds like this has brought it up for you. Maybe start new thread if you do want to talk. I find MNers are sensible about these matters.

GRex · 21/09/2024 07:13

Good luck with that chat @IVFendomum.

Lifeofasd1 · 03/10/2024 05:08

IVFendomum · 18/09/2024 10:33

Thanks for all the replies!

Update I've told DH about it and he's very happy to pay for some food and drink. They've got some nice sharing platter type options.

I'm also gonna specify no gifts as its a good point that people will bring them and we really don't want/expect them. We just want to have a good night out and if people come along that is a gift in itself 🙏

Also feel that I want to point out I couldn't give a shit about social media! For those who said this is for social pics?!!!! Non merci.

Oh thank the Lord...
I couldn't handle the cringing image..
To all the other posters who have no problem doing this..inviting people from afar.. please stop ye tight bastards with your hands in your pockets..
Believe me..ye wont have this dilemma again for ur next party,i heard all your guests are washing their hair that night..
Dear God stop pretending your cheap "fun" party is just a night out...
If that's your idea of celebrating them u just go out with hubby on ur own, if anyone asks if ye planning anything..you say NO just going out for a drink if u want to catch up with us..
Stop the booking of areas, stop the invites to afar.
And to the posters who have done this in the past and said it was a great fun nite... it wasn't, it was shit

TinySmol · 03/10/2024 05:38

I know someone who did that, about 20 years ago. They got married privately. Then, they had a do, a few months later, in this private room of a bar. No free food or drinks were happening. They did make that clear from the outset. It was very odd. It was in Edinburgh.

Maggiethecat · 03/10/2024 20:30

Don’t even get me started on people who thinks it’s fun to have people over to order and share the cost of a takeaway!.

if I wanted to get a takeaway I’d have it at home! If you’re inviting me for a meal, cook it or say it’s a takeaway that’s on you.

If you can’t afford to feed me just have me over for drinks!

ButterAsADip · 04/10/2024 09:17

Maggiethecat · 03/10/2024 20:30

Don’t even get me started on people who thinks it’s fun to have people over to order and share the cost of a takeaway!.

if I wanted to get a takeaway I’d have it at home! If you’re inviting me for a meal, cook it or say it’s a takeaway that’s on you.

If you can’t afford to feed me just have me over for drinks!

The other side of that coin is that you look like you are only friends with people to get something out of it. We went to a friend’s on NYE for a curry, for example. Can’t remember who paid, we definitely would have offered to split it, maybe they said ‘no no it’s on us’ - the point is, I can’t remember because that part of the event doesn’t matter to me. I do remember that we had a brilliant night, great conversations, good karaoke, and the kids behaved!

Maggiethecat · 04/10/2024 21:02

I say it as someone who is naturally a giver rather than a taker.
I’m often that person who insists on paying the bill if I go out for coffee with a friend, will happily split the bill rather than totting up my items when out with friends even when I know I’ve had a lot less and as a family we are very welcoming with food when we invite people to ours.

I don’t expect to be fed if I go to someone’s house and will happily have a drink and a chat. Just don’t invite me to your home and expect me to pay for something to eat. That’s not the way to host someone!

Ilikeadrink14 · 19/01/2025 14:35

Maggiethecat · 04/10/2024 21:02

I say it as someone who is naturally a giver rather than a taker.
I’m often that person who insists on paying the bill if I go out for coffee with a friend, will happily split the bill rather than totting up my items when out with friends even when I know I’ve had a lot less and as a family we are very welcoming with food when we invite people to ours.

I don’t expect to be fed if I go to someone’s house and will happily have a drink and a chat. Just don’t invite me to your home and expect me to pay for something to eat. That’s not the way to host someone!

Exactly that! I am the same.